Hey kids, it’s time for an end-of-the-year TiggyPops quiz! Grab a pencil and paper, pour yourself a large vodka and see if you’re Top of the Pops!

Trust me, the vodka will help.

1. Which toe-tapping hit song was featured in Tiggy’s Hit Parade?
A. Kjell Kraghe – Haj Haj Happy Pis!
B. The Butter Fucks – Grease Fire Fantasy
C. Man Without Hats – We Haven’t Found Our Hats Yet
D. Billy Frig and the Twatanauts – Kill All the Pies

2. The main ingredient of Tabouli is:
A. Fire
B. Brains
C. Sandwiches
D. Tabouli

3. In a bear economy, is it better to
A. Buy Meatloaf
B. Sell Meatloaf
C. Meatloaf is not in my portfolio
D. I don’t understand the question

4. For Christmas, Tiggy wants:
A. A helicopter ride
B. A balloon ride
C. Ride me big boy, like the big hairy slut you are
D. Tiggy can want all she likes, Santa ain’t coming

5. Where is the best place to hide your stash?
A. Under your boss’s desk
B. Under your boss’s grandmother
C. In a small child’s birthday cake
D. I have no idea what you’re talking about

6. When in Rome:
A. Do as the Romans do
B. Do as some Romans do, but not all of them
C. Fuck the Romans
D. Rome is not on my travel itinerary

7. Which CD would Tiggy most like to find in her Christmas stocking?
A. Paddy “P-Doggy” Roberts – Songs for Gay Dogs
B. The Butter Fucks – Lard is my Lube
C. Monty O’Drizzle and the Steak Suckers – I Told Ya Meat Is Useful
D. Meatloaf – Is It a Prune or Is It a Plum (Rock and Roll Pudding Part III)

8. What is the best superhero power to have, apart from a Super Trike?
A. Super vision
B. Super strength
C. Super noodles
D. Super balls

9. What was the least appetizing food product reviewed on Shopping Bizarre?
A. Panda flavoured twigs
B. Twig flavoured pandas
C. Meatloaf
D. What the fuck is with all these Meatloaf references

10. What is the worst job Tiggy ever had?
A. Porn Art Movie Director
B. Repulsive Hooters girl
C. Prawn strangler
D. Genial television host of That’s My Cock

*******

Mostly As
Congratulations! You got most of the answers right. Have a cake! Or some LSD.

Mostly Bs
You got some right, but I suspect you guessed your way through a lot of this. I mean, the answer to question #3 is B? Seriously?

Mostly Cs
You’re not very good at quizzes, are you?

Mostly Ds
You’ve not been paying the slightest bit of attention to this blog. You owe the “Mostly A” guys a cake. And LSD.

Happy holidays!

Thinking About Stuff | 7 Comments »

Get into the holiday spirit with Tiggy this month! Every Tuesday Tiggy will be posting a festive feature to celebrate this most magical of seasons:

* Rainbow Princess has been busy composing a beautiful viral e-mail poem to get us into the spirit of the season! Hopefully it will be less homoerotic than her last effort.

* Those cute kids from Mrs. Davies’ class will be sharing their Letters to Santa!

* Monty O’Drizzle and Bob Nutter will be downing weapons to share some Yuletide Hunting Tips!

* And finally, an end of the year TiggyPops Quiz to tax your drink and drug addled holiday brains!

It’s almost as exciting as a holy virgin birth! But not quite.

Thinking About Stuff | 4 Comments »

Good day, dear readers! Betty Lemons here, giving advice on life’s little problems! My friends at the Ladies’ Institute tell me there’s a lot of troubled folk on the internet who would benefit from my wisdom.

So don’t fear, Betty is here! Here’s a selection of readers’ questions from my postbag.

Dear Betty,
My cat just died. I cry every day, as I miss Fluffster so much. What should I do?
Jack, Fredericton

Dear Jack,
Oh, what a to-do! As the owner of many cats, I have this problem all the time. When they stop meowing and start giving off that strange smell, I know it’s time to say goodbye! My poor old back gets sore from digging all those holes in the garden.

Find something to take your mind off your loss, my dear. Perhaps you could take up a sport, visit the library, or masturbate whenever you’re feeling down. Or become a volunteer at your local cats’ home – you will soon get used to working around dead pets, which will make your own loss easier to bear. Chin up, my dear!

Betty.

Dear Betty,
I just can’t get my Victoria sponge cakes to rise! What am I doing wrong?
Anna, Moncton

Dear Anna,
What a sorry tale! There’s nothing worse than a soggy, flaccid sponge. I consulted with my friend Doris at the Ladies’ Institute; she recommends adding an extra egg, a teaspoon of ejaculate and a pinch of salt to the mix, just before popping it in the oven. It makes all the difference, she says!
Yum yum, enjoy your nice fluffy sponges!

Betty

Dear Betty,
Ever since I discovered mojito cocktails, my life has gone downhill. I just can’t get enough of them! It’s affecting my work, my relationships, and my looks. I don’t want to be an alcoholic, but I just can’t resist that minty flavour!
Gerald, Grand Falls

Dear Gerald,
Now my dear, you probably won’t like what I have to say, but you must stay away from those cocktails, otherwise it will end in tears! My friend Maude at the book club went through a similar battle, in her case it was those fancy vodka shots you snort up your nose… terrible business.

My dear, every time you feel yourself craving mojitos, drink something else instead, like a refreshing glass of lemonade, cock juice, or herbal tea. If you are craving the taste of mint, try dabbing toothpaste around the rim of the glass or penis.

Take great care,
Betty.

Well my dears, I don’t know about you, but my sack is empty. But no fear my loves, just post your questions in the electronic message box below, and who knows, Betty may be giving you some Good Advice next time!

Kiss kiss,
Betty

Thinking About Stuff | 4 Comments »

Is it wrong to imagine having sex with a dead person? And I don’t mean that in the way you’re thinking. Do you ever watch an old movie, and begin to lust over the hot lead actor/actress? “Woah, that guy is hot! I’d definitely hit that!” Then you realize that this actor is now 90 years old, incontinent and senile. And your lust buzz dies a little. Or even worse, the actor is dead! He is now little more than a hot skeleton. Kinda takes the edge off it a bit.

Do you ever watch a stand-up comedy routine on TV, by a comedian who has since died? Do you feel a bit guilty when you laugh? The guy is funny, but he’s dead. He’s rotting away somewhere in a casket, yet there he is, cracking funnies and full of life. Your humour buzz dies a little. You feel mean for laughing at a dead guy.

Then the comedian makes a joke about… death. And it wouldn’t matter if it was the funniest joke in the world, all you can think is “Oh, it’s so ironic! He’s dead, and he’s joking about being dead, but now he is dead, and it’s so sad…” and you feel time slipping away and you realize the whole transient nature of the universe and that we are only here for a short time and you’re going to die and you wish you’d watched the news instead.

If the dead comedian was also hot, then you’re really in trouble.

Thinking About Stuff | 16 Comments »