Everything Found In 'Thinking About Stuff' Category

Guess what I've got under the counter.

Like most of you on the internet, I hate meeting people. After my run-in with the last set of whackjobs, here are some more people I will be crossing the road to avoid.

  1. A disillusioned Illusionist
  2. An air traffic controller with double vision
  3. A hairy Ukrainian in a bikini
  4. A waiter with vomit down his shirt
  5. A dental technician high on mushrooms
  6. A quadriplegic marching band
  7. A hairy Ukrainian man in a bikini
  8. A hangman with a theme tune
  9. A piss-stained news anchor
  10. A suicide bomber with a sponsorship deal
  11. A heavily pregnant Girl Guide
  12. A butcher with a boner
  13. An unhappy clapper
  14. A nail bomber with a book deal
  15. A Satanist selling life insurance
  16. A suicidal bus driver
  17. A talk show host with botulism
  18. A robber wearing a rubber
  19. An easily-distracted surgeon
  20. A talk show guest with an itchy scrotum

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail

What in the fuck. Is that.

Some readers have asked me to expand slightly on an incident I alluded to in a previous post. I didn’t really want to bring the whole thing up again. But yes, there was a police chase, yes, it was through a zoo, yes, I ruined a small child’s birthday party, but in fairness I did return the platypus. No big deal, let’s not dwell.

But you know, during those dark hours holed up in the Aquarium, I spent my time thinking about the sea and lakes and rivers, and all the stuff that’s in them. And how damn ugly most of it is.

I mean, think about a seahorse. At first glance you might say it’s cute, like a bony horse’s head with no body, and little wings and a curly tail… but wait, that’s not cute, that’s something out of a horror flick! Bodyless floating horse skeletons? I don’t wish to swim about with that, thank you very much. Everything that lives underwater is weird and is dangerous. Jellyfish, sea urchins, electric eels, lobster thermidors – these are scary creatures that would happily slice, sting or zap you to death if they had a chance.

You don’t find this sort of ugliness on land. For instance, puppies, sheep and hedgehogs are cuddly and fluffy, and don’t squirt you in the face with ink when you lick them. Nature has decreed that all the gross stuff lives underwater where it can’t offend our eyes, and all the cute stuff stays on terra firma. Nothing should mess with that. And what happens if these two worlds dare to collide? You end up with a PLATYPUS. I mean, what the fuck is up with that thing?

So that’s why I needed a platypus – to make a point. I just hope the jury sees it my way.


Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail

Hyper wank device! Awesome.Why do you never see any books on masturbation? Do It Yourself guides to Doing It Yourself? Considering everyone does it at least every day, sometimes more (and don’t pretend you don’t) there has been precious little written about it.

Everyone eats three times a day, and look at the massive cookery section at your local bookstore! We have cooking celebrities like Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey, so why no experts on masturbation to give us all a helping hand?
On the other hand, I suppose we should be thankful Jamie and Gordon discovered their talent lay in cookery, not cockery.

Are the experts too busy playing with themselves to hold a pen and write a book? I suppose they could record their tugging tips by using a hands-free dictaphone (a dicktaphone)? An audio book on masturbation could be a best seller!

Just don’t listen to it while driving.


Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail

Hey kids, it’s time for an end-of-the-year TiggyPops quiz! Grab a pencil and paper, pour yourself a large vodka and see if you’re Top of the Pops!

Trust me, the vodka will help.

1. Which toe-tapping hit song was featured in Tiggy’s Hit Parade?
A. Kjell Kraghe – Haj Haj Happy Pis!
B. The Butter Fucks – Grease Fire Fantasy
C. Man Without Hats – We Haven’t Found Our Hats Yet
D. Billy Frig and the Twatanauts – Kill All the Pies

2. The main ingredient of Tabouli is:
A. Fire
B. Brains
C. Sandwiches
D. Tabouli

Buy? Sell? Huh?3. In a bear economy, is it better to
A. Buy Meatloaf
B. Sell Meatloaf
C. Meatloaf is not in my portfolio
D. I don’t understand the question

4. For Christmas, Tiggy wants:
A. A helicopter ride
B. A balloon ride
C. Ride me big boy, like the big hairy slut you are
D. Tiggy can want all she likes, Santa ain’t coming

5. Where is the best place to hide your stash?
A. Under your boss’s desk
B. Under your boss’s grandmother
C. In a small child’s birthday cake
D. I have no idea what you’re talking about

6. When in Rome:
A. Do as the Romans do
B. Do as some Romans do, but not all of themRock and Roll Pudding. Part 3.
C. Fuck the Romans
D. Rome is not on my travel itinerary

7. Which CD would Tiggy most like to find in her Christmas stocking?
A. Paddy “P-Doggy” Roberts – Songs for Gay Dogs
B. The Butter Fucks – Lard is my Lube
C. Monty O’Drizzle and the Steak Suckers – I Told Ya Meat Is Useful
D. Meatloaf – Is It a Prune or Is It a Plum (Rock and Roll Pudding Part III)

8. What is the best superhero power to have, apart from a Super Trike?
A. Super vision
B. Super strength
C. Super noodles
D. Super balls

9. What was the least appetizing food product reviewed on Shopping Bizarre?
A. Panda flavoured twigs
B. Twig flavoured pandas
C. Meatloaf
D. What the fuck is with all these Meatloaf references

10. What is the worst job Tiggy ever had?
A. Porn Art Movie Director
B. Repulsive Hooters girl
C. Prawn strangler
D. Genial television host of That’s My Cock

*******

Mostly As
Congratulations! You got most of the answers right. Have a cake! Or some LSD.

Mostly Bs
You got some right, but I suspect you guessed your way through a lot of this. I mean, the answer to question #3 is B? Seriously?

Mostly Cs
You’re not very good at quizzes, are you?

Mostly Ds
You’ve not been paying the slightest bit of attention to this blog. You owe the “Mostly A” guys a cake. And LSD.

Happy holidays!


Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail