Music fans! Pantin’ for a spankin’ soundtrack to get yo booty twerkin’ on the dance floor? You are? Well fuck me, you’re in luck. Tiggy’s Hit Parade has returned!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Get on down! Then on up! If possible.

This record is solid gold and not shit at all!

12. Bjuder Up Till Stuffparty 2 – Larz Kristerz

GOLD!!! From King Midas to President Trump, those crazy rich people can’t get enough of it. But those lucky Swedes possess the most precious gold of all! Bling King Larz Kristerz and his troupe of shiny Swedish lovetarts have worked up a sweat and tossed gold stardust all over their hot new groove, Stuffparty 2! Dance away the pain of grinding poverty and imminent apocalypse with comely hits including:

* Fingerfahrt My Lovely Lady
* Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Oooh Sex
* Mein Bag Hajr (Ist on Fire For You)
* Star-Spangled Gangbanger
* Shower Me Gentlisch Int Your Golden Love
* Sticky Stockholm Stocking Slutz
* Pump My Love My Starfish (David Guetta remix)

They say all that glitters isn’t gold – but those crazy people are just wrong! Or perhaps have a degenerative eye disease or something.

Next time on Hit Parade: It’s a bit like Snoop Dogg… but it isn’t Snoop Dogg!

No really, it isn’t Snoop Dogg.


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Music fans! Confused by the choice at your local record store? Want to get ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ like all the cats at the local Hop? Or something? Check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

 (Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Do the mashed potato! And gravy.

Ride 'em cowboy!

11. Uncle Bud’s Hospital Experience

After an unfortunate accident falling off a cowboy, Nevada Rodeo clown ‘Uncle’ Bud Bistoo was inspired to record this album about his hospitalization. Combining a dark style reminiscent of Leonard Cohen, with an atmospheric country soundtrack by that bloke out of ELO, the curmudgeonly clown offers a drip-tastic collection of intensive care classics including:

* A Gentleman Don’t Piss Through a Tube
* Bud’s Bed Bath Blues (A Nurse Called Bill)
* When the Medication Wagon Comes A-Rollin’ By
* I Can’t Piss In That Thing
* This Good Ol’ Boy Don’t Give No Samples
* Ain’t No Lady Doctor Touching That

A great gift for the sick and diseased!


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Guess what I've got under the counter.

Like most of you on the internet, I hate meeting people. After my run-in with the last set of whackjobs, here are some more people I will be crossing the road to avoid.

  1. A disillusioned Illusionist
  2. An air traffic controller with double vision
  3. A hairy Ukrainian in a bikini
  4. A waiter with vomit down his shirt
  5. A dental technician high on mushrooms
  6. A quadriplegic marching band
  7. A hairy Ukrainian man in a bikini
  8. A hangman with a theme tune
  9. A piss-stained news anchor
  10. A suicide bomber with a sponsorship deal
  11. A heavily pregnant Girl Guide
  12. A butcher with a boner
  13. An unhappy clapper
  14. A nail bomber with a book deal
  15. A Satanist selling life insurance
  16. A suicidal bus driver
  17. A talk show host with botulism
  18. A robber wearing a rubber
  19. An easily-distracted surgeon
  20. A talk show guest with an itchy scrotum

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What in the fuck. Is that.

Some readers have asked me to expand slightly on an incident I alluded to in a previous post. I didn’t really want to bring the whole thing up again. But yes, there was a police chase, yes, it was through a zoo, yes, I ruined a small child’s birthday party, but in fairness I did return the platypus. No big deal, let’s not dwell.

But you know, during those dark hours holed up in the Aquarium, I spent my time thinking about the sea and lakes and rivers, and all the stuff that’s in them. And how damn ugly most of it is.

I mean, think about a seahorse. At first glance you might say it’s cute, like a bony horse’s head with no body, and little wings and a curly tail… but wait, that’s not cute, that’s something out of a horror flick! Bodyless floating horse skeletons? I don’t wish to swim about with that, thank you very much. Everything that lives underwater is weird and is dangerous. Jellyfish, sea urchins, electric eels, lobster thermidors – these are scary creatures that would happily slice, sting or zap you to death if they had a chance.

You don’t find this sort of ugliness on land. For instance, puppies, sheep and hedgehogs are cuddly and fluffy, and don’t squirt you in the face with ink when you lick them. Nature has decreed that all the gross stuff lives underwater where it can’t offend our eyes, and all the cute stuff stays on terra firma. Nothing should mess with that. And what happens if these two worlds dare to collide? You end up with a PLATYPUS. I mean, what the fuck is up with that thing?

So that’s why I needed a platypus – to make a point. I just hope the jury sees it my way.


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