My friend Sparky has become a New Age spiritual guru. He apparently experienced a transcendental revelation after falling over a beer cooler at a barbeque. Coincidentally, that same evening his trucker buddy Super Dave offered him a cheap shipment of healing crystals that had materialized in the back of his rig. It was a sign, Sparky told me. If I gave him $50 he would revitalize my aura. Seemed like a bargain.

He brought round a box of sparkling crystals. I was to place them around the house and rub them when I felt my Ch’i take a turn for the worse, although I wasn’t sure what that felt like. The crystals were calming to look at as they twinkled in the sunlight. But after spending $200 on vet fees to retrieve one from my cat’s stomach, I decided to return them. Sparky wouldn’t give me a refund. He said the crystals’ energy was depleted and he couldn’t resell them. And one appeared to have teeth marks.

Trance

Sparky offered to re-energize my house using the Chinese technique of Feng Shui, which he had been studying all day on Wikipedia. He wandered around the house in a trance, sensing levels of free-flowing energy and identifying areas where it got stuck. I heard him make a lot of fuss around the refrigerator, but it turned out he was just making a sandwich to rejuvenate his Ch’i. It was very draining work, he said.

He moved all my furniture to face north, rearranged my wardrobe and asked if he could take the coffee table as it was adversely affecting the energy flow. And a $20 contribution would be appreciated; he would donate it to the local holistic herbalist. To be honest the house didn’t feel energized. I couldn’t see the TV from my north-facing couch and the lack of coffee table was adversely affecting my ability to put anything down.

Massage

Sparky sensed my chakra was misaligned and suggested some hands-on therapy. He was taking an internet course in Thai massage, learning the ancient tradition via a live feed from a Bangkok parlour. Give him a soft towel, massage oil (Canola oil would do) and somewhere to balance his video camera and he would heal me in no time. Super Dave was interested in learning too, could he come along and watch? I declined Sparky’s generous offer and gave him $20 to bugger off. He left me the number of his buddy’s telephone Reiki service and headed off to his holistic herbalist.

I went round to Sparky’s house today to reclaim my coffee table but he was out. Apparently he and Super Dave have given up New Age spirituality and are attending a Hypnotism training course at the local community hall. I’m not falling for that.

If he gives me $50 he can practice on the cat.

Massages are free over at Humor-Blogs.com

A Bad Idea | 5 Comments »

“We like tha MOON!“ squealed the Spong Monkeys in their famous ditty. And what’s not to like? It hangs in the sky like a pretty night light, helping countless drunks find their car keys in the dark.

But what do we know about the moon? I decided to investigate. I read a stack of library books on astronomy and astrophysics. To be honest I didn’t understand a word of it, but I’ll have a stab anyway.

Location - The moon is in the sky every night. In the early evening it looks huge, but later on it is just a tiny globe high up. But the moon hasn’t got further away! It’s just an optical illusion.

Sometimes I have the illusion of three or four moons bouncing around the sky. I asked around but it seems only me and the invisible custard squirrels can see them.

Identification - The moon is known as The Moon. It is a moon, but it is not Moon. It’s a pretty stupid name to be honest. Other moons have nice names like Pheobe and Io, so why can’t the moon have a name like Uhuru or Jeffery?

Come to think of it, The Earth is a crap name too. I think it should be renamed Bubbles.

Composition - I consulted the astronomy books for this bit. Words I understood were dust, rock, iron and magnesium. Words I didn’t understand were olivine, clinopryoxine and ilmenite. Apparently the moon has this stuff in it. I don’t know how scientists know, the Apollo astronauts spent most of their time arseing around with flags and moon buggies rather than doing any bloody work.

Effects - The oceans slosh around on Earth due to the moon’s magnetism. This is probably caused by iron molecules colliding with the particulates in the clinopryoxine. I have no frigging idea to be honest. All I do know is the next time I am clinging to the side of a turbulent ferry heaving the contents of my guts overboard, I will have the moon to thank.

Conspiracies - Some people think man has never been into space, let alone the moon. This is crazy. Tom Hanks obviously filmed Apollo 13 in space - you can clearly see the Earth from his spacecraft window.

Others claim the moon landing photos were shot in a secret NASA studio. But how would NASA know what to make the scenery look like if they hadn’t been to the moon? Honestly, some people.

That is all I know about the moon. Now I have to return my astronomy books before the library tracks down who stole them.

They have big shiny helmets and want to play space over at Humor-Blogs.com

Thinking About Stuff | 13 Comments »

Is it possible to get high without breaking the law? I couldn’t be bothered to waste money on ‘legal high’ seeds or spend hours in the wilderness hunting for mushrooms, so I decided to look around the house for things to bring on that buzz. Honestly, the things I do in the name of research…

Wasabi - A dab of luminous Japanese horseradish provides an instant fiery buzz, so instead of ketchup I dolloped the green goo all over my dinner.

The stinging head rush and physical contortions that followed registered somewhere between orgasm and epileptic fit. Not a pretty sight. My nasal passages are still recovering from 3rd degree burns. Do not attempt wasabi overload at a Japanese restaurant or you’ll be asked to leave.
Legal High - 6/10. If your idea of fun is a fire in your brain, go for it.

Energy Drinks - The TV advert promised to give me wings - sounded like a high time. My mate Sparky (an expert on dubious substances) reckoned the overpriced caffeinated gloop at the local store was useless - the original drink from Thailand would make me fly a lot higher. Conveniently, he had a crate of Thai energy drink in his basement. The medicine bottle-shaped container should have been a warning - but no, I accepted Sparky’s challenge and downed several bottles of the sickly-sweet liquid…

OMG OMG itwaslikeallthesethingsinmymindallnightuhhh-uhhh-uhhh-can’t-sleep-no-sleep-brain thinking-two-thoughts-at-once-wooowooowoooo. And so on, for 14 hours solid.
Legal High - 9/10. More wings than a bucket of KFC.

Spinning - When I was a child I used to spin around until I fell over all dizzy and giggling. It seemed like a good idea to retry this early high so I twirled around in my living room until my brain went flying. Unfortunately, so did my television set and the coffee table. This technique is not a good idea if you’re adult size. And I used to bounce off furniture a lot better when I was 4.
Legal High - 5/10. Thrilling but costly. Try it in a wide open space with a pillow tied to your head.

Hemp Oil - Hemp oil is legal but can contain small traces of THC (the stuff that makes you go floaty and eat seventeen hot dogs in one sitting). I could legally buy this oil in my local store, although the checkout girl gave me a funny look when I slapped 3 litres of it on the counter.

The oil tasted like a cross between peanuts, grass clippings and Castrol GTX. It was overpowering by the spoonful, so I shoved the lot in the blender with some yogurt and made hemp smoothies. I forced the green concoction down awaited the buzz.

Lesson learned - hemp oil won’t get you anywhere near high no matter how much you gulp down. It will, however, make you very regular.
Cure For Constipation - 10/10, Legal High - 0/10. Doesn’t make good smoothies.

Non-Dairy Creamer - I wondered what would happen if I snorted Coffee Mate. It looked powdery and inviting and contained many complex-sounding chemicals that must have some sort of effect. Would I experience an instant non-dairy high? Or just dribble cream out my nostrils? However, the only thing I’m ever likely stick up my nose is a pencil so I declined that challenge.
Legal High - N/A. I’m not that daft.

So unless you enjoy burning your brain, falling over furniture or spending the day on the ceiling or on the toilet, I think it’s safe to say all these legal highs are useless. And this is probably why they’re still legal.

They’re higher than a kite stuck to a kestrel at Humor-Blogs.com

Drinking Eating & Drinking | 10 Comments »

Man boobs have been on my mind. Now the sun is shining and the winter coats are off, I can’t help noticing t-shirted men who seem to have grown lady-like appendages during their winter hibernation.

But what are man boobs? Are you a man worried by the condition? Are you a woman who could do with a giggle? Read on.

Owning a pair of man boobs can result from lack of exercise, bad luck or something to do with the thousands of hormone-pumped, estrogen-infused triple cheeseburgers a busty boy has shoved down his throat. But how are men affected by this terrible tit trauma?

I decided investigate by visiting the local gym to observe shirtless men lifting weights for the afternoon. From my lengthy observations, I noticed there are two types of protrusion.

The first and rather more attractive type is the Resting Pec as I like to call it. These once-proud muscular mounds are reasonably firm and pert, but perhaps require their owners to consume a few less KFCs and spend a bit more time pumping the Bowflex in order to reach their optimum manliness again.

The second type are the more feminine looking he-humps or Saggy Old Witch Tits, the sort of flabby gristle you see on female bus drivers and at over-55s porn sites you accidentally click on sometimes. These poor chesty chaps must have so much estrogen in their system they probably went to see Sex and the City: The Movie and cry when they run over chipmunks.

How do you know if you have harmless resting pecs or worrying witch wobblers? Take this tit-tastic quiz to find out!

1. Can you hold a pencil, spoon or small mammal under your mammary gland?

2. Can you kiss your nipples?

3. Do your man boobs hit you on the chin when you run?

4. Are you too overweight to attempt question 3?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, I’m afraid the prognosis is not looking good. And neither are you.

A strict regime of tofu burgers and bench presses is the only way to banish that bosom and replace it with a macho six-pack. Alternately you could move to Bangkok, join a lady boy troupe and perform as a novelty Sumo wrestler/cabaret artiste. Believe it or not, there are a lot of Japanese businessmen who would pay good money to see that.

So in conclusion it seems that having both a cleavage and a cock is not as much fun as it sounds. Unless you think the lifestyle may be for you, in which case have another cheeseburger!

They have big manly chests over at Humor-Blogs.com

Lookin' Good Tiggy | 14 Comments »