Everything Found In 'Shopping Bizarre' Category

If I'm honest, I really have no idea what this is.

Beer drinkers! Do you enjoy spending the day consuming your body weight in hoppy alcoholic products – I know I do! Don’t want to waste your precious drinking time or money on food? Fortunately those boozy boffins in Japan have been working on a super new bar snack that satisfies all your nutritional needs!

Happy Panda-Seal Yummy Beer Twigs are fashioned from shards of ancient cherry trees grown in the shadow of Mount Fuji. Each stick is delicately flavoured with tasty Teriyaki whale and a hint of Kyoto extract. One pack contains all the goodness your liver and digestive system desperately crave!

* Those 24-hour booze binges will be a breeze with just a handful of Beer Twigs – you’ll have enough energy to drink all night! Laugh at your fast-food stuffed friends as they vomit their undigested burgers all over the street.

* Beer Twigs are perfect for those wilderness campsite drinking sessions – you can even use them to start your camp fire! Simply rub two sticks together to spark an instant flame (remove from mouth before attempting to light).

* Beer Twigs can also be used as hamster bedding, loft insulation, or glue them together to create your own beer twig Bonsai tree! Ahhh so!


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It's pink! It's cute! It's semi-automatic!

Moms! Looking for a special gift for your precious daughter? Does your little lady want the best and wants it now – or else? Nothing says “I love you” more than this oh-so-cute Teeny Princess semi-automatic machine gun! Now your loved one can feel safe on the streets amongst the hordes of drug dealers, rapists and terrorists – and coordinates perfectly with her favourite girly outfits!

* Your little girl will be Queen Popular at school – they’ll all want to be her friend – or else!

* Feel free to let your daughter run errands to the drug store, shopping mall or crack house knowing your little one can take care of herself – or she’ll take care of them!

* Buy her even more love with glamourous Teeny Princess accessories including Sparkle Puss fluffy ammo bag and silencer attachment! It’s like, totally awesome!


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Goodbye Fido, hello Margarita!

Do you love PIZZA? Do you want to make some extra CASH? Of course you do! Simply install an authentic Italian hand-crafted Pizza-O-Torium in your garden – it’s two small businesses in one!

* Set up your own pizza business by delivering fresh wood-fired pizzas to your neighbours! Keep costs down by hiring young children with bicycles to deliver your tasty pies – their ignorance of employment laws will save you $$$!

* Give family pets the send-off they deserve by offering grieving families a “Pets-Away” cremation service with your fiery furnace. As a treat for tearful kiddies, throw them a pizza party after they say goodbye to Fluffy!*

*Pizza-O-Torium is only suitable for hamsters, cats, and spaniels. Larger animals may require prior disassembly before cremation.


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Diet water! No, really!

We all know how hard it is to diet – trying to lose those hanging rolls of repulsive flab can seem like an impossible feat! Fortunately those svelte Japanese boffins have invented an incredible new weight loss weapon – Diet Water! It’s fat-tastic!

According to our calculations, regular water contains zero calories, so this magical mineral water must contain minus 50 calories, or something like that! Drink Diet Water and you are actually LOSING weight! Or something like that!*

* Enjoy all those forbidden foods including burgers, pepperoni and lard sandwiches – Diet Water will wash those fatty calories right out your system and replace them with negative calories, somehow! Save up your negative calories as credits towards your next uncontrolled McBinge session!

* Need to squeeze yourself into that wedding dress or manly beach thong? Simply consume nothing but Diet Water for just ONE WEEK and you could flush away up to 2lbs of disgusting body fat!*

* According to our calculations, assuming a margin of error of approx 98%.

It's flab-tastic!



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