What in the fuck. Is that.

Some readers have asked me to expand slightly on an incident I alluded to in a previous post. I didn’t really want to bring the whole thing up again. But yes, there was a police chase, yes, it was through a zoo, yes, I ruined a small child’s birthday party, but in fairness I did return the platypus. No big deal, let’s not dwell.

But you know, during those dark hours holed up in the Aquarium, I spent my time thinking about the sea and lakes and rivers, and all the stuff that’s in them. And how damn ugly most of it is.

I mean, think about a seahorse. At first glance you might say it’s cute, like a bony horse’s head with no body, and little wings and a curly tail… but wait, that’s not cute, that’s something out of a horror flick! Bodyless floating horse skeletons? I don’t wish to swim about with that, thank you very much. Everything that lives underwater is weird and is dangerous. Jellyfish, sea urchins, electric eels, lobster thermidors – these are scary creatures that would happily slice, sting or zap you to death if they had a chance.

You don’t find this sort of ugliness on land. For instance, puppies, sheep and hedgehogs are cuddly and fluffy, and don’t squirt you in the face with ink when you lick them. Nature has decreed that all the gross stuff lives underwater where it can’t offend our eyes, and all the cute stuff stays on terra firma. Nothing should mess with that. And what happens if these two worlds dare to collide? You end up with a PLATYPUS. I mean, what the fuck is up with that thing?

So that’s why I needed a platypus – to make a point. I just hope the jury sees it my way.


3 Responses to “Police Chase Through the Zoo”

I enjoyed this! 🙂

I tend to believe that long ago, all the animals were given a choice:

A. Live on land, be cute and cuddly or proud and majestic, and generally serve as role models for the entire animal kingdom, OR

B. Live in the water, look ugly and disgusting and possibly give up having bones of any sort, but — never have to worry about whether you’re peeing on your own hoof, or getting poop stuck to your fur.

By the looks of things, the vote went around 50-50. Seems about right to me.

I went to the zoo with my kids one time and were super excited to see the platypus exhibit. The playtus didn’t come out of its hiding place the whole time and we stood forever waiting. So disappointed!!!

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