Testing, Testing: Tiggy’s Mock Exam
Examination season is upon us! Except for me; I always pay someone else to take my exams. Being the helpful sort I am, I have compiled a series of pencil-chewing mock exam questions for you to try out. Hopefully you will find the exact same questions when you turn over your test paper!
You have three hours… no talking, eating or bleeding.
Good luck!
MATHEMATICS
1. Assuming an average erect penis is 5.25″, how many members of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team would be able to sign their name on one penis before they run out of space?
2. A car is travelling at 130 kilometers per hour. A police officer has 6 minutes to wait before being served at the Tim Horton’s drive-thru. How long will it take for the cop to finish his coffee and apprehend the speeding car?
3. A Somali pirate has slashed your throat after seizing control of your ship.
Assuming a bleed rate of 58ml of blood per second, how many minutes will you wreathe on the floor in agony before succumbing to your injury?
4. An Amsterdam prostitute charges €50 an hour for services rendered. At an exchange rate of €1 to $1.37, calculate the cost of a 7 minute blow.
5. Scholars insist 3 into 7 won’t go. Make it go.
HISTORY
1. Did the 19th Century Chartist movement represent a major challenge to the English political system? Or was it all just a bit gay?
2. “Peas in our time.” Discuss the political impact of frozen vegetables on the 1948 Berlin Blockade.
3. The construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza – How dey do dat?
4. With reference to the socio-economic hypothesis presented in Das Kapital, if Karl Marx was an ice cream, what flavour would he be?
5. Explain the main issues behind the Great Papal Schism of the 14th Century, in a French accent.
PHILOSOPHY
1. Meat Loaf would do anything for love, but won’t do that. Explain what you think that thing is he won’t do.
2. “‘Tis is better for a man to be noble and impotent, than be ignoble and have a really hard cock.” Discuss.
3. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Explain.
4. “You’ll be saying ‘Wow’ every time you use it.” Examine this statement a) in relation to ancient Greek Sophist theory and b) with reference to Aristotle’s assertion that a Zorbeez was a lot better at mopping up cola spills.
5. Why is Richard Simmons? Discuss.
BUSINESS STUDIES
1. Your business can save $1,000,000 a year by transferring production to an African sweatshop. Give five reasons why having small children working in your factory is actually for their own good.
2. A competitor has copied your product and has flooded the market with a cheap imitation. Explain how to counter the threat using a) revised marketing strategies b) legal action and c) a dirty hooker and a video camera.
3. Wholesaler #1 has 55 grams of poor quality Kush, whereas Wholesaler #2 is offering 28 grams of premium Moroccan hash. The wholesale price for both is $13 per gram. Assess the best value deal for your clients.
4. Customer profiling reveals that 57% of your customers are male, aged 35-50, with a preference for large hairy men. Explain how this will affect your forthcoming advertising campaign.
5. Discuss how the stock market crash of 2008 affected commodity values of a) oil, b) puppies and c) Meat Loaf.
Time’s up, pencils down. So how did you do? I’m guessing not so well.
Don’t despair, hopeless exam flunkers! Trump your tests the Tiggy way, with my new study guide Math, Marx and Meat Loaf – only $19.95, available from all good pet stores.
Tiggy, you’re fucked in the head, you know that? 😉
I was crap at exams, the Meatloaf questions were the worst.
Hooray!
I have an average erect penis!
Wait.
5.25″.
Maybe this gloating is unwarranted.
moooooog35’s last blog post..For the Love of Bob
1. Assuming an average erect penis is 5.25?, how many members of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team would be able to sign their name on one penis before they run out of space?
None of the Maple Leafs (Leaves?) can write. And your estimate is a little high.
2. A car is travelling at 130 kilometers per hour. A police officer has 6 minutes to wait before being served at the Tim Horton’s drive-thru. How long will it take for the cop to finish his coffee and apprehend the speeding car?
Tim Horton’s gives free refills. He’ll never finish the coffee.
3. A Somali pirate has slashed your throat after seizing control of your ship.
Assuming a bleed rate of 58ml of blood per second, how many minutes will you wreathe on the floor in agony before succumbing to your injury?
After sewing my throat up like Rambo, I sneak up o the pirate bastard and snap his twig neck. Zero minutes mutha fucka!
4. An Amsterdam prostitute charges €50 an hour for services rendered. At an exchange rate of €1 to $1.37, calculate the cost of a 7 minute blow.
Whatever the BJ costs plus a $20 copay for the chlamydia shot.
5. Scholars insist 3 into 7 won’t go. Make it go.
Buy 7 some tequila shots and 3 will be inside before the night is over. Trust me.
HISTORY
1. Did the 19th Century Chartist movement represent a major challenge to the English political system? Or was it all just a bit gay?
Asking for equal suffrage but still insisting on secret ballots? GAY!
2. “Peas in our time.” Discuss the political impact of frozen vegetables on the 1948 Berlin Blockade.
Virtually no impact on transporting food through Berlin but they were frequently used to keep down swelling after vasectomies.
3. The construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza – How dey do dat?
The key to explaining engineering feats previously thought impossible for that time is to mumble so people just think you said something smart.
4. With reference to the socio-economic hypothesis presented in Das Kapital, if Karl Marx was an ice cream, what flavour would he be?
Tutti Fruiti. I’ve heard things.
5. Explain the main issues behind the Great Papal Schism of the 14th Century, in a French accent.
Zee papacy is ours, you eediot Romans! Go back to putting your peepees in the boys, you fils des putains!
PHILOSOPHY
1. Meat Loaf would do anything for love, but won’t do that. Explain what you think that thing is he won’t do.
The butt. I mean, duh!
2. “‘Tis is better for a man to be noble and impotent, than be ignoble and have a really hard cock.” Discuss.
Without exception, this is the stupidest thing ever written.
3. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Explain.
Unfortunate side-effect to my habit of rolling in peanut butter and bird seed. You learn to live with it.
4. “You’ll be saying ‘Wow’ every time you use it.” Examine this statement a) in relation to ancient Greek Sophist theory and b) with reference to Aristotle’s assertion that a Zorbeez was a lot better at mopping up cola spills.
Technically a correct statement because you’ll be saying wow in the context of, “I should have bought a ShamWOW instead of this Zorbeez piece of crap.” Sophists are still rolling over on the funeral pyres for Aristotle’s assertions.
5. Why is Richard Simmons? Discuss.
Just as there must be anti-matter to balance out matter, so must Gene Simmons be balanced out by Richard Simmons.
BUSINESS STUDIES
1. Your business can save $1,000,000 a year by transferring production to an African sweatshop. Give five reasons why having small children working in your factory is actually for their own good.
If I make money, more of their impoverished friends can get a quarter a week.
They’ll never get the esteem working on their family farm that they can by sewing my shoes.
Looking at me goading in my air conditioned office will give them future aspirations.
They will never build up tolerance to western diseases if I don’t expose them.
The first three years they work in an American company, they get huge tax breaks on both dollars I pay them.
2. A competitor has copied your product and has flooded the market with a cheap imitation. Explain how to counter the threat using a) revised marketing strategies b) legal action and c) a dirty hooker and a video camera.
My product IS a dirty hooker with a video camera. Nope, he’s got me on this one.
3. Wholesaler #1 has 55 grams of poor quality Kush, whereas Wholesaler #2 is offering 28 grams of premium Moroccan hash. The wholesale price for both is $13 per gram. Assess the best value deal for your clients.
Steal guy’s Kush. Tell him hash guy stole it.Once they shoot each other, you take the hash too. Your client gets both for just your commission.
4. Customer profiling reveals that 57% of your customers are male, aged 35-50, with a preference for large hairy men. Explain how this will affect your forthcoming advertising campaign.
Not at all. I advertise with boobies. Nothing but boobies.
5. Discuss how the stock market crash of 2008 affected commodity values of a) oil, b) puppies and c) Meat Loaf.
Oil prices dropped when cash-strapped consumers lowered demand. Puppy prices fell when Cruella Deville unloaded half of her stockpile in a desperate move to raise cash. Meatloaf will increase in value regardless of the market. It’s a Meatloaf thing, you wouldn’t understand.
I’ll just take Douglas’ answers except on #5 in Math.
3 will go into 7 just fine, more than twice even, just not evenly. It’s trying to squeeze 3 into 2 that leads to problems.
Stephanie’s last blog post..Wouldn’t You Know It
I’m still trying to work out the math questions three hours later!
Freakin’ hilarious.
“Why is Richard Simmons?”
That’s just too funny. Perhaps your best post yet.
Stumbled.
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..The Savo Auctioneers on TV
Aw, crap… this test is in Canadian.
All I’ve got is “levers, pulleys, rolling logs and slaves” and “rocky road.” Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten the questions.
Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..Magical Markets for Oprah Beyond the Twitter Rainbow
If I saw these exam questions I’d freak. Seriously funny!!
Tiggy, you’re so funny but math makes me tired. Why’d you have to put it at the beginning? By the time I got to the Meatloaf question, my brain had run out my ears. I’m pretty I knew what he wouldn’t do until then.
kathcom’s last blog post..High Brow, Low Brow, Meet-me-in-the-Middle Brow
Umm, I forgot my pencil. Be right back! 🙂
offendedblogger’s last blog post..The "My Shaving Cream is a Lawsuit Waiting to Happen!!!!" Offensive
If I knew the exam was going to be this hard I think I would have skipped the last 6 PBR’s lastnight. May I have a tutor?
http://www.FreakSmack.com
I think I need a cheat sheet!
thinkinfyou’s last blog post..Say Hello To My Large Friends
Well class, with the exception of Douglas, who scored a stunning 98%, you have all failed abysmally.
Thorsen, don’t think I didn’t notice all the answers written on your hands. And feet. And inner thighs.
Mooooog, see me after class, with a tape measure.
John, flattery will get you everywhere, so you appeared to have scored 80%, well done!
The rest of you get to stay behind with Mooooog for a long hot night of punishment. Oh my.
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