Everything Found In 'Internet Corner' Category

None shall pass

Oh crap. I’ve forgotten my password. A random group of words, numbers and symbols stand between me and a document full of stories I wrote a year ago. The drafts were clumsy, rambling and a tragedy of English grammar, but they were going to polish up and be absolute crackers, I’m sure. But they are all doomed due to my absent-mindedness.

At first I didn’t panic. The ‘password incorrect – try again’ message that popped up didn’t worry me. I use the same password for pretty much everything, including bank accounts, Twitter and Tinder (which I tried once, got scared and forget about), but no, that wasn’t it. It must have been a variation on My Beloved Password. By adding an extra # or $ I was sure I’d crack the code and be crafting my precious drafts in no time.

Password incorrect – try again. Try again. Try with a capital. Try with a spelling mistake. Try again. Try again. No, that wasn’t it. Bollocks. Had I decided to change my password to something completely new on that fateful day? I cast my mind back to one year ago, like a detective returning to the scene of a crime in the desperate hope a clue has miraculously appeared.

So, one year ago I was sitting at the same table, in front of the same laptop. No revelations there. I recall

 Nope.

David Bowie had recently died and I was working my way through his albums again. Maybe in a moment of misguided inspiration, I’d changed my password to RIPStarmanFuckImSoSad in tribute?

I had not.

Maybe I’d written the password down somewhere. Although the web is heavy with articles by tech boffins warning against jotting down those precious codes, for those of us who suffer from password amnesia, it can be the difference between leading a relatively normal life and never being able to access our bank accounts again. Or ever tweet again, which is marginally worse. I scurried through my collection of old notebooks and a pile of sticky post-it notes, but not even a hint of the rogue password was discovered.

computer nerd

Me, yesterday (reconstruction)

In desperation, I googled ‘how to break Word document passwords’. I felt like a friendless teenage hacker attempting international cyber fraud. Google rewarded my treachery with a string of forum posts from other innocent password amnesiacs (or were they???) also locked out of their work, and who had resorted to creeping about the darker alleys of the internet for help.

The news wasn’t good. It can’t be done. It’s a password, that’s the fucking point. People password-protect their work so it can’t be accessed. If a thief stole my laptop, googled ‘how to break Word document passwords’ and was sifting through my word-salad drafts within the hour I’d be apoplectic.

Mark my words, one day I will remember that elusive bastard of a password. Perhaps I will awake at 3am after the cryptic code magically appears to me in a dream. Or I’ll remember it five minutes after I’ve deleted the file forever. The world will be culturally poorer as my wonderful stories remain imprisoned inside that damned file. At least I can tell that to myself… if I’m honest can’t bloody remember if they were any good or not.

And I saved this draft without a fucking password.


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Wii Wow Wonder...erm, woman.Santa is a bastard! He didn’t bring me a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. Come on Santa, how many begging letters to the North Pole do I need to send before I get one? It cost me a fortune in stamps, and now the lady at the Post Office thinks I’m weird.

How else can I work off all that holiday booze, other than by jiggling in front of the TV waving around a plastic wand?

Pining for a Wii got me thinking about all the fab games I won’t be playing this year. I’ve also come up with a few game ideas of my own. How much would all you Wii fans want to play the following games? A lot much, I reckon!

Snow Shovel Star 2009 – Relive all the fun of a sub-zero whiteout! Select your spade and get ready for hours of back-breaking shoveling fun! Plough your way through levels including Appalachian Avalanche, Dig Out the Car before the Wife Gives Birth, and Springtime in Winnipeg! Great snow shoveling practice for Dad!

Kozy Knitting Korner – You’ll knot want to put down your Wireless Knitting Needles with this awesome craft game! Knit virtual sweaters, socks and fluffy gifts for all the family. It’s not a complete waste of time at all! Coming soon – World of LoomCraft and Potter’s Wheel for Wii!

Espresso A Go-Go – Realize your barista dreams with your own virtual percolator! Use your wand to select your beans, grind them to perfection, then fill your coffee machine and watch it brew! Obviously you can’t drink the coffee as it’s pretend.

Your very own Virtual ShamWow!ShamWow Mansion – The most absorbent game you’ll ever play! Using the WiiWow Virtual Miracle Cloth, race around ShamWow Mansion clearing up cola, pet stains and vomit before That Guy With The Headset catches you and kills you with his Weapon of Mass Absorption!
If you’re not saying “Wow!” by the end of this game, you must be fucked in the head or something!

Busker Bum – It’s like Guitar Hero for the homeless! Busk and beg for money on the mean streets of Wiiville. Can you make enough money to buy your next wrap of heroin or bottle of meths? Will your audience be throwing you bucks – or buttons? Don’t forget to watch out for violent cops, drunken tramps and overpriced hookers!

Go On, Poke It With A Stick – Ewww, what’s that? Probe and prod for hours with your Virtual Poking Stick! Jab your way through squishy adventures including Roadkill Alley, Poo Bar and This Looks Like a Job For CSI. Icky!

I’m off to copyright these game ideas right now. If I ever get my hands a flamin’ Wii before I die of old age, I promise to dedicate all my productive time to mopping up at ShamWow Mansion. Game on!


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A long night of frustration, swearing and crying awaits.

I should have spent my weekend sitting in a hot tub getting drunk with naked men. Instead I spent it in front of my computer trying to remove a dastardly computer virus. I knew that Winner Notification e-mail from the Greenland Lottery Board was too good to be true.

What will those horrible hackers and malware madmen unleash next? I predict the following viruses will be crawling around your motherboard soon. Follow my handy antivirus tips to avoid total computer meltdown!

LOLworminfects your photo gallery and inserts improper comments on your treasured family photos.

Ur cumpooter, I haz fukkt it.

The damage from this virus is hard to erase unless you are a Photoshop genius. To avoid embarrassment, simply cut yourself off from family and friends.

DimSumDiallerCalls up your local Chinese take-out and orders $127 worth of egg rolls and pork dumplings.

A virus that orders take-out on your behalf could be beneficial, particularly if you are so addicted to the internet you have trouble leaving your computer. Hungry hackers are currently working on Taco Bell Trojan to create more culinary variety.

Pork SpamInserts random meat-related words into your e-mails as you type.

There is no way to delete this pesky virus, so you’re going to have to roll with it. Or is that sausage roll with it? You will somehow have to integrate meaty musings into your infected messages:

Spam spam spam spam spamity spam.

Your co-workers may think you’re on drugs. Just tell them you’re on drugs, it’s a lot easier.

eBay Yard SaleAutomatically lists the entire contents of your house on the popular auction site.

You won’t know this virus has hit until people start knocking on your door demanding your television, lawnmower and Everybody Loves Raymond DVD collection.
Look on the bright side, it’s a great way of getting rid of your useless junk. Do you really need that refrigerator?

PowerPornInserts random pornographic slides into your important corporate presentation.

Embarrassing picture suddenly appeared in your PowerPoint presentation? Don’t worry. No-one’s paying the slightest bit of attention to your dreary meeting. Those bondage domination pictures will be barely noticed, unless the guy in that rubber suit is your boss.

Spank me! Hurt me! Sir.

Cum On Feel The NoizeOverrides the ‘Mute’ setting on your computer while watching internet porn at work.

Silent sex show suddenly blaring at full volume? Mask erotic moans blasting from your computer by screaming even louder than those dirty porn stars. Wail loudly that a rabid raccoon is biting your leg. This will clear the office in seconds and save you from further blushes.

Plane Crazy – Transfers Air Traffic Control duties from the local airport to your laptop.

If you see this screen, don’t panic.

Like Flight Simulator, only with unfortunate consequences if you fail.

Think of it as the ultimate video game – simply stop the little planes from crashing into each other! Take a deep breath. Extinguish your joint and put down your beer. The fate of thousands of passengers and crew are in your hands.
Bet you regret not updating your antivirus now.

Oh DeerYour computer emits a low-frequency hum mimicking nubile does on heat.

Herds of aroused stags will appear in your garden, fighting, pooping and attempting to ruck their way through your front door. If you have a shotgun and a large barbeque, you’re in luck. If not, be prepared for a long night of deer sex.

If you stumbled across this post by Googling ‘deer sex’ I assume you either live in New Brunswick, or my nightmare virus predictions have already come true.
Log off, shut down and lube up.


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Internet addicts: Does this scene look familiar?The internet’s great, isn’t it! I can’t believe humans survived 200,000 years without YouTube or lolcats. But the internet is addictive! A recent report estimated 10% of Americans were addicted to the internet, wasting precious hours goggling at Google and pretending not to look at porn.

But how to kick the net nerd habit? The only thing to do is replace it with another addiction. I’ve tried out a few alternatives for you.

Gambling: Why spent hours glued to internet poker when you can visit a casino and do the same, but with free cocktails? In the interests of doing my research properly, I headed to Las Vegas to indulge in a week of hedonistic one-arm-bandit compulsion.

Unfortunately I ran out of quarters within the hour and spent the next six days pretending to play the machines with bus tokens so I could get the free booze.

Another of God's lost flock.Religion: Religious addicts who spend all day going door-to-door to preach the Word of the Lord don’t have time to muck about on the net. So why not get hooked on holiness? Who knows what interesting people you’ll meet and cups of tea you’ll be offered by sympathetic old ladies.

Armed with a few stolen copies of Watchtower I roamed the streets looking pious and in need of tea. Result? If you are thinking of becoming a religious zealot a) make sure you can outrun large dogs and b) don’t expect many cups of tea.

Stupid Puzzles: You often see people on the train or driving to work with their head buried in a book of Soduku. They just can’t get enough of writing numbers in boxes! And it’s an addiction that may improve your brain, not mince it all up.

Sadly, not being able to add up severely impeded my enjoyment of this game and I’m still not quite sure what the rules are. Pac Man was a lot easier, wasn’t it?

Awww! Ahhhhh! Ooooooh!Collecting Stuff: Stamps, tea pots, garden gnomes or cock-shaped vegetables – there’s so many things to collect! Some people have to live in their car because they’ve filled their house with so many glass clowns or Royal Wedding plate sets.

I decided to start a collection of panda finger puppets. Unfortunately there are only three panda finger puppet shops in Nova Scotia, so once I’d cleaned them out I was finished. I want eBay back.

Sex: This compulsion should be an attractive prospect for most net addicts, considering how much porn they’ve viewed over the years. However, reliving those steamy internet sex scenes is not easy.

If you don’t have a significant other (and let’s face it, most net addicts either haven’t or forgot about their spouse long ago) where are you going to find all those oiled-up musclemen and hot blonde babes? Not down the Legion on Saturday night, that’s for sure.

I think I’ll stick to my internet addiction for now. At least on the internet I don’t get my pockets emptied or attacked by dogs. And look out for 500 panda finger puppets for sale on eBay soon.

 

They have the world’s biggest collection of panda finger puppets at Humor-Blogs.com


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