Category: Drinking Eating & Drinking

5 A Day Food Hell

Please don't eat us.Why do healthy foods taste like cack? I’m sorry, but a weedy carrot is no substitute for a moist chocolate cake dripping with cream and hot silky fudge. I know which one makes me feel moist just thinking about it.

I’ve tried to follow a healthy diet, but there are some foods I cannot get past my gullet…

Brown Anything
“Substitute regular pasta and rice with the wholemeal variety!” squeaks the skinny fitness guru on TV. “It will make your heart and rectum happy!”
Have you eaten wholemeal pasta? It puts the ‘rough’ into roughage, that’s for sure! Rather than sucking up silky strings of spaghetti, the wholemeal version feels like your lips are being sandblasted. It has a crunch that should not be there. It’s brown.

I travelled the length and breadth of Italy and didn’t see a single shred of brown pasta anywhere. I guess the Mafia destroyed the Italian wholemeal industry after a ‘healthy’ lasagna made a Don a bit too regular. Well done, chaps!

Brown rice is even worse. Health nut vegans coming to dinner? Out of brown rice? Simply get your hamster to shred a cardboard box and serve the chewy shards with tofu. Your pasty party guests never notice the difference!

Raw Food
My granny swore by raw food during World War II. Having spent her rations on silk stockings and liquor, she often had nothing left for cooking fuel. So she would ‘dig for victory’ and unearth a few turnips to chew on while the Luftwaffe bombed seven bells out of her. That was the wartime spirit! And everyone was as fit as an ox! Not like kids today, mutter, mutter, etc.

Granny was wrong. Most people from World War II are now shriveled, white-haired and have false teeth (probably from all that raw turnip chewing). The epitome of health and vitality? I think not!

Seen those TV adverts for probiotic yogurt? The advert seems to think that having billions of crawling bacteria in your pudding is a good thing.
This is what bacteria look like:

Probiotic goodness.

Can you imagine that swimming around your yogurt pot?

I’d like to know what makes these wiggly critters so good for me. Would they make me taller? Whiten my teeth? Put more smart thoughts in my brain? I doubt it. I don’t know about you but I don’t want any bacteria in my body, thank you very much.

Be everyone's friend at the movie theatre with a durian!Smells Funny
I should eat more green vegetables. But they smell funny. That tempting clump of broccoli smells good at the supermarket, but as soon as I get it home it starts to give off a strange cabbagey aroma. Boiling it turns the aroma into a toxic stink. Dinner guests move outside and eyes begin to water. Suddenly a Chinese take-out is looking favourable.

Did you know the world’s stinkiest fruit is the durian? Imagine a main sewer blockage on a hot day and you’re about there. In many Asian countries you can’t take a durian for a ride on a bus or to a movie because they are banned from many public places (sadly, this ban does not extend to sweaty tourists).

If you can get over the rotting flesh smell, the durian is the sweetest and most delicious fruit ever tasted. Apparently. Next dinner party, I’ll give it a try. It might mask the smell of broccoli.

I feel quite queasy now. I wonder though – maybe there is sales potential in the eco-nut health market for brown rice and broccoli yogurt…?


10 Things You Didn’t Know About… Cheese

Cheese is Grate!

1. Cheese was invented by the ancient Egyptians hundreds of years ago. But it wasn’t for eating! They used the melted gloop to block the orifices of mummified pharaohs so their insides didn’t seep out.

2. Gouda and Edam has holes in it. But how did the holes get there? Simple – little grubs on strings. Once the wiggly critters have chomped the required amount of holes, the cheese maker simply tugs the string to remove them. What a fun job those little guys have!

3. The World Record for eating cheese is held by Bagwan Amijaad, a doctor from Mumbai. He managed to consume a staggering six Baby-Bels in one minute – without vomiting! Well done Bagwan!

An ancient Roman, yesterday.4. The Romans brought cheese to the Empire after Mark Anthony visited Egypt and claimed he had “consumed the finest delicacy, a gift from Hera, discovered right up an old king’s bunghole.”

5. If cheese was a country, it would have to move to Jupiter as it would be too big to fit on Earth. Although it would sink as Jupiter is made from gas. Ok, half of it would fit on Venus, the other half could go to Mars and the rest of it… Hang on. Assuming cheese is the same density as H20 and the total circumference of Mars is…
Look, there’s a lot of fucking cheese around, all right?

6. What is cheese made of? That’s easy. Milk, curds, whey, cream, cheese and sometimes pieces of goat (called goats’ cheese, obviously).

7. Cheese is so highly prized in Italy, it is illegal to dump it, throw it or fornicate with it. The last cheese-related hanging was of the notorious ‘Fondue Fuck Party Four’ in Milan in 1937. The criminals were hung, drawn, cubed and served with a delicious gorgonzola melt.

A typical cheesemaker, yesterday.8. Cheese has influenced popular music! The Beatles’ Yesterday was originally called Curds and Whey and was a charming ballard about the cheese making process. Then Paul McCartney spoiled it by turning it into romantic drivel.
From Public Enemy’s hard-hitting Wendsleydale Ghetto Riotz to Guns ‘N’ Roses’ sensational Hot Hard Cheddar Love, cheese has rocked the music world!

9. Some things called cheese aren’t really cheese! A Big Cheese means an important boss, cheesed off means a bit annoyed, and knob cheese isn’t really cheese at all! Unless you’re an ancient Egyptian.

10. Monterey Jack got its name from American cheese maker Arnold Pomeroy. He developed his beloved creamy-but-salty cheese using a ‘special ingredient’. Unfortunately the secret went to his grave as Arnold was hung in Milan in 1924 for undisclosed cheese-related crimes.


Tiggy’s Hangover Cures

After the binge, the barf.

As sure as day follows night, painkillers follow parties. One drink is never enough, is it? If only medical boffins spent more time researching an effective hangover cure. I’d go on a charity run for that. Until the miracle cure is discovered, try these cures to escape from hangover hell.

Grease is the word!1. Force down a fry-up. The traditional English breakfast of eggs, bacon, lard and jam is a must for the morning after. The weight of the grease will hold down your boozy stomach contents and prevent them from coming back up. The favourite cure of hungover truckers and schoolchildren.

2. Jogging. This may seem like an unusual hangover cure, but after six minutes of pounding the pavement you’ll be chucking up in the hedges and ridding your system of that nasty booze. Onlookers will assume you are an unfit runner and never guess your shameful secret. Also, it may discourage them from taking up the ridiculous sport.

3. Spend the day riding a Rollercoaster. This method has the same effect as #2, but with an added shot of adrenaline. Nothing sobers up a groggy brain like the impending fear of death as you hurtle towards the ground at 200mph.

The future's bright, the future's orange!4. Eat corn-based snacks – they contain no nutrition but will act like cheesy sponges in your stomach and soak up the bilious booze. Try not to throw up after eating them, as fluorescent orange vomit is not easy to remove from beige carpets, curtains or household pets.

5. Stay in bed and feel sorry for yourself. Or feel anything else that takes your fancy, it may take your mind off your headache.

6. You feel like death, so assume you are going to die and make a will. When you realize how few assets you possess and that your life amounts to nothing, you’ll soon sober up and vow to lead a teetotal and productive life (at least until Friday night).

7. If you cannot avoid going to work, blame your condition on food poisoning. Moan loudly about the odd-tasting sweet ‘n’ sour chicken balls you ate at that greasy Chinese restaurant after Bible study. The boss will never suspect your pallor is due to a mojito-soaked binge at the strip club.

Geddit down you.8. Keep drinking, especially if your hangover occurs during a weekday. Remain inebriated until the weekend, when you can stay in bed and give your hangover the full attention it deserves.

9. If you cannot face work, call your boss and pretend a close relative has died. Keep a list of all beloved relatives (real or fictional) and remember to strike them off the list so they cannot ‘die’ again. I once made that mistake and Uncle Bob dropped dead twice in one month. Try explaining that miracle to your boss. Unless your boss is the Pope.

10. Your body is dehydrated after all that liquor, so drink plenty of water. In fact, hydrate from the outside in and spend the day in the hot tub (remember, you bought a hot tub to go green? Now you can use it when you are green!) Invite your hungover friends over and have a post-party party.

Those boffins require funds to research a breakthrough hangover treatment, so I am going to organize my own Run for the Hangover Cure. Well, maybe more of a walk.
Perhaps a pub crawl…?


Is That Supposed To Be Raw? Mysterious Restaurant Meals

Yum! Spaghetti and... Veal? Beef? Badger?

After this weekend I will never visit a fancy restaurant again!

Last weekend I went to a smart restaurant for dinner. I eagerly scanned the menu, only to recoil in horror and confusion. The menu was all in foreign! There were some words I understood, like fried and with, but the dish descriptions were alien to me. The waiter sneered as I pretended to study the menu. He knew I had no clue, the bastard. Panicking, I picked the cheapest dish and hoped it didn’t have tentacles.

If you are intending to visit a fancy restaurant this weekend, here’s a few translations you need to know. Unless you like dining dangerously.

Mmmm, organic shitty soup with emulsion and pond weedStarters is not called Starters any more. It’s First Dish, Amuse-Bouche or whatever the pretentious phrase is this week. Soup is no longer soup, it’s bisque. It isn’t cream of mushroom, it’s organic shiitake bisque with crème fraiche emulsion . If you are unfamiliar with those ingredients, who knows what could arrive on your plate? A shit biscuit covered in cream paint?

How about panko encrusted scallops with tamarind drizzle ? Anything with a panko encrustation should be examined by a doctor. I don’t know what a tamarind is, or that it causes drizzle (or indeed any sort of damp weather).

The next danger dish is carpaccio. The description sounds innocent enough – warmed winter salad with organic carpaccio . Carpaccio must be like some kind of goats’ cheese, right? No.
Carpaccio is RAW MEAT. Just-dead. No flame has touched its bloody mass.
You end up with raw beef and cooked salad. The chef must have some serious issues.
Perhaps stick with the bread rolls for now.

Now for the main course, sorry, Dish Principal, Fourth Course or whatever the hell we’re up to by now. Attempting to impress your fellow diners, you order boneless grain-fed Cornish Rock with a compliment of seared potato shards and a blemish of spiced Peruvian tomato reduction . Your friends are not impressed when waiter serves you chicken and chips with a dollop of ketchup.

Pan-seared halibut with... green things! Eww.Those dastardly chefs can’t even leave simple Italian food alone. For years I avoided pizza topped with pomodoro, assuming it was some kind of chewy squid. Pomodoro means tomato. Why don’t they just say tomato? And calamaretti is not like spaghetti; it’s some kind of chewy squid.

Sometimes you recognize all the ingredients – except one. Roast (ok) pork (ok) with apple sauce (ok) and seared Ulluco. Uh-oh. Ulluco sounds like it may still have eyes attached. Pan-seared halibut sounds familiar, but unfortunately that psychotic chef has coated it in rocambole jus . Some poor rocambole (which I imagine is some sort of shrew) has been squeezed all over a nice bit of fish. Time for another bread roll.

Thank goodness for dessert! You won’t find any raw cow or crusty crustations in that. Probably.

Although you are reasonably safe ordering anything from the dessert menu, don’t expect your expectations to match what is plonked in front of you.

Four things are guaranteed:

Chocolate cake! With shrew!– Your dessert will be six times smaller than expected.

– There will be a single strawberry and two blueberries somewhere on the plate.

– The plate will be coated with a squiggle of unidentifiable brown sauce (probably chocolate and rocambole jus).

– Your dessert will cost six times more than expected.

If you are invited to a fancy restaurant this weekend, be prepared. Be prepared to face three courses of embarrassment, indigestible food and disappointment. Or tell your host you refuse to eat there as you contracted food poisoning after your last visit. Their carpaccio was suspiciously warm.