Category: A Bad Idea

Happy Birthday Hell

Enjoy your special day! the tacky birthday card reads. Today it’s all about YOU! Yes it is. It’s my birthday so it has to be a special day. The sun will shine, birds will chirp from a reasonable hour (and not at bloody 5am) and everyone I meet will smile and congratulate me on making it this far, especially considering the amount of liquor I’ve consumed over the years. Hurrah for my SPECIAL DAY!

This year, I decided to make my birthday an extra special one. Let’s go camping! By a beautiful sandy beach! Near an enchanted castle! I had visions of sunny beach picnics, romantic country walks, and cosy pubs in which to drink my arse off.

The day had started well – it was only raining gently and the wind battering the tent wasn’t quite up to gale force. So far so good. However, the beach trip was off. Mainly because the ‘beautiful sandy cove’ the campsite blurb promised was in fact a tiny sliver of grimy, seaweed-littered grit, sat at the bottom of a 500ft sheer cliff. Never mind! I’ll take a stroll through the beautiful countryside to the enchanted castle.

On the way I chanced upon that most elusive of woodland creatures – the magical badger! I’d never seen one close up before, what a treat. Rather less magical was the fact that it had been dead for a week, and was now host to an orgy of wiggling maggots. Reeling from the stench, I decided that the romantic picnic would keep for another time.

Never mind, on to the enchanted castle! Well, after another five mile walk in the wind and freezing rain. It was not the mystical experience I’d hoped for. I would also have to share my birthday treat with a group of 2,000 Russian exchange students, who jostled their way up the slippery stone steps and stopped to take selfies every five seconds.

Did I mention the steps? There were 10,000 of them. I’m not exaggerating. The enchanted castle blurb didn’t mention that. I finally reached the top step, wheezing and puking and not feeling remotely special. I wiped the rain/sweat/tears from my eyes and prepared to be amazed.

The Enchanted Castle – about 500 frigging years ago

Oh. The enchanted castle was no longer an enchanted castle as such, more an enchanted pile of rubble. However, there was a very helpful sign explaining what it probably looked like in medieval times, but to be fair it was built on top of a remote windy cliff what the fuck do you expect.

Oh well, at least the village at the bottom of the cliff had some cosy pubs in which to drown my sorrows (and erase the lingering aroma of rotting badger from my nostrils).

Battling wind, rain, 10,000 steps and 2,000 Russian exchange students, I puffed my way down to the village and stumbled into the nearest hostelry. Finally my special day could begin in earnest. As a treat, I ordered the evening special – Summer Risotto! No stodgy fish and chip supper for me, wasn’t it nice that the chef was branching out from the usual pub grub slop.

In hindsight, I should have ordered the usual pub grub slop. The chef, pushing his skills way beyond Jamie’s Italian Cookbook, had produced a risotto, but the main ingredients appeared to be wallpaper paste and twigs.

Oh well, if nothing else I could post a hilarious photo on Instagram so all my friends (of which I have several) could post chippy comments to cheer me up. However, on inspection of my Instagram feed I noticed that my Former Love Interest (well, I was interested) had posted a bunch of snaps of him and his beautiful, slim, stupidyhead new girlfriend having a lovely champagne picnic on the beach. Wait a minute. It was MY birthday and they were having a better day than me?? They got sunshine, champers, and sexy fun in the sand dunes while I got hypothermia, a maggoty badger, and wallpaper paste.

Special day, my wind-chapped arse.


So anyway, I’ve been thinking about Christmas…


Tiggyblog – An Apology (Again)

Honestly, I’d only popped out to buy some spoons, then suddenly it was five months later and I realized I hadn’t updated Tiggyblog. Sorry about that, readers.

That’s not to say nothing has happened to me for five months. There has been a lot to blog about – the Norwegian lawsuits, that police chase through the zoo, the odd stains I now have on my carpet… Oooh and you know, I nearly DIED in a plane crash (the plane didn’t actually crash, but that engine didn’t sound right to me), and I had an out-of-body experience where I nearly DIED, and I woke up in the Top Gear studio right in the middle of them taping a show. That was embarrassing.

So what woke me from my creative slumber? Well, certainly not my muse Dave, who was last seen vomiting over the side of a Mersey ferry. No, it was the guilt I felt when I read that Tiggyblog was recently listed in Amazon Kindle’s top fun 100 blogs in the whole world, or something. My dead blog beat approximately 7,000,000,000 blogs to 92nd place. And that, readers, is probably worth me penning a few more posts, even though nothing interesting will ever happen to me again. You missed it ALL.

Oooh, and did I tell you I nearly DIED the other week…?


Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre: Road Trip Tray

Releive the boredom of driving with the Road Trip Tray!

Are you a busy salesman or executive out on the road? Save time and increase productivity with this super Road Trip Tray! Now you can write reports and browse e-mails on your laptop while you cruise down the highway. Also makes a great dining table for those high-speed picnics. And the Road Trip Tray’s 1001 uses don’t end there…

* Parents! Keep baby happy by using it as a diaper changing station, allowing busy mums to keep moving while attending to junior’s movements!

* Have a dangerous old car with no air bags? Simply tie a soft pillow to the tray and remember to bury your head into it as your car collides with that speeding truck or kindergarten group.

Net nerds! Can’t bear to be away from Facebook or YouTube for a minute? Worried you’ll miss the latest hilarious Lolcat picture? Surf while you drive with this fabulous Web Wow Wheel Widget and never miss a moment of cyber fun!*

Truck, what truck?

*Do not operate while driving. Pretty please. No really, don’t. Seriously. OK, only for really important e-mails. And maybe Twitter.


Mafia Wars

Frigging Mafia.Dear readers, it’s been a while… a bloody long while since I posted anything. I’ve received literally several e-mails asking on my whereabouts, am I still alive, do I need bail money etc. Well thanks, but no. My problem has been of a more sinister kind – THE MAFIA!!

Yes folks, it seems my innocent little blog caught the attention of a shady underworld mob somewhere in Russia. Incensed by my poor grammar and constant piss-taking of Meat Loaf, those cold-hearted dons decided that my blog must disappear. From some dingy basement in Moscow, a team of ruthless Mafia hackers decided to take it apart and TAKE IT DOWN. They trashed it, burned it, pissed on the flames with their vodka-infused urine causing the flames to get higher and burn a bit more… until there was nothing left but a charred, defiled cinder of a website. Those BASTARDS!

Either that or I forgot to renew my web hosting account, I’m not entirely sure.

But anyway, having now single-handedly defeated the Russian mob, I guess it’s time to get on with it and write some ruddy posts! Bugger.