“We like tha MOON!“ squealed the Spong Monkeys in their famous ditty. And what’s not to like? It hangs in the sky like a pretty night light, helping countless drunks find their car keys in the dark.
But what do we know about the moon? I decided to investigate. I read a stack of library books on astronomy and astrophysics. To be honest I didn’t understand a word of it, but I’ll have a stab anyway.
Location - The moon is in the sky every night. In the early evening it looks huge, but later on it is just a tiny globe high up. But the moon hasn’t got further away! It’s just an optical illusion.
Sometimes I have the illusion of three or four moons bouncing around the sky. I asked around but it seems only me and the invisible custard squirrels can see them.
Identification - The moon is known as The Moon. It is a moon, but it is not Moon. It’s a pretty stupid name to be honest. Other moons have nice names like Pheobe and Io, so why can’t the moon have a name like Uhuru or Jeffery?
Come to think of it, The Earth is a crap name too. I think it should be renamed Bubbles.
Composition - I consulted the astronomy books for this bit. Words I understood were dust, rock, iron and magnesium. Words I didn’t understand were olivine, clinopryoxine and ilmenite. Apparently the moon has this stuff in it. I don’t know how scientists know, the Apollo astronauts spent most of their time arseing around with flags and moon buggies rather than doing any bloody work.
Effects - The oceans slosh around on Earth due to the moon’s magnetism. This is probably caused by iron molecules colliding with the particulates in the clinopryoxine. I have no frigging idea to be honest. All I do know is the next time I am clinging to the side of a turbulent ferry heaving the contents of my guts overboard, I will have the moon to thank.
Conspiracies - Some people think man has never been into space, let alone the moon. This is crazy. Tom Hanks obviously filmed Apollo 13 in space - you can clearly see the Earth from his spacecraft window.
Others claim the moon landing photos were shot in a secret NASA studio. But how would NASA know what to make the scenery look like if they hadn’t been to the moon? Honestly, some people.
That is all I know about the moon. Now I have to return my astronomy books before the library tracks down who stole them.
They have big shiny helmets and want to play space over at Humor-Blogs.com
