Everything Found In 'Thinking About Stuff' Category

Christmas joy!

Get into the holiday spirit with Tiggy this month! Every Tuesday Tiggy will be posting a festive feature to celebrate this most magical of seasons:

* Rainbow Princess has been busy composing a beautiful viral e-mail poem to get us into the spirit of the season! Hopefully it will be less homoerotic than her last effort.

* Those cute kids from Mrs. Davies’ class will be sharing their Letters to Santa!

* Monty O’Drizzle and Bob Nutter will be downing weapons to share some Yuletide Hunting Tips!

* And finally, an end of the year TiggyPops Quiz to tax your drink and drug addled holiday brains!

It’s almost as exciting as a holy virgin birth! But not quite.


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Kiss kiss!Good day, dear readers! Betty Lemons here, giving advice on life’s little problems! My friends at the Ladies’ Institute tell me there’s a lot of troubled folk on the internet who would benefit from my wisdom.

So don’t fear, Betty is here! Here’s a selection of readers’ questions from my postbag.

Dear Betty,
My cat just died. I cry every day, as I miss Fluffster so much. What should I do?
Jack, Fredericton

Dear Jack,
Oh, what a to-do! As the owner of many cats, I have this problem all the time. When they stop meowing and start giving off that strange smell, I know it’s time to say goodbye! My poor old back gets sore from digging all those holes in the garden.

Find something to take your mind off your loss, my dear. Perhaps you could take up a sport, visit the library, or masturbate whenever you’re feeling down. Or become a volunteer at your local cats’ home – you will soon get used to working around dead pets, which will make your own loss easier to bear. Chin up, my dear!

Betty.

Dear Betty,
I just can’t get my Victoria sponge cakes to rise! What am I doing wrong?
Anna, Moncton

You'll be dribbling over this sponge cake recipe!Dear Anna,
What a sorry tale! There’s nothing worse than a soggy, flaccid sponge. I consulted with my friend Doris at the Ladies’ Institute; she recommends adding an extra egg, a teaspoon of ejaculate and a pinch of salt to the mix, just before popping it in the oven. It makes all the difference, she says!
Yum yum, enjoy your nice fluffy sponges!

Betty


Dear Betty,
Ever since I discovered mojito cocktails, my life has gone downhill. I just can’t get enough of them! It’s affecting my work, my relationships, and my looks. I don’t want to be an alcoholic, but I just can’t resist that minty flavour!
Gerald, Grand Falls

Dear Gerald,
Now my dear, you probably won’t like what I have to say, but you must stay away from those cocktails, otherwise it will end in tears! My friend Maude at the book club went through a similar battle, in her case it was those fancy vodka shots you snort up your nose… terrible business.

My dear, every time you feel yourself craving mojitos, drink something else instead, like a refreshing glass of lemonade, cock juice, or herbal tea. If you are craving the taste of mint, try dabbing toothpaste around the rim of the glass or penis.

Take great care,
Betty.

Well my dears, I don’t know about you, but my sack is empty. But no fear my loves, just post your questions in the electronic message box below, and who knows, Betty may be giving you some Good Advice next time!

Kiss kiss,
Betty


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Dead is not sexy.Is it wrong to imagine having sex with a dead person? And I don’t mean that in the way you’re thinking. Do you ever watch an old movie, and begin to lust over the hot lead actor/actress? “Woah, that guy is hot! I’d definitely hit that!” Then you realize that this actor is now 90 years old, incontinent and senile. And your lust buzz dies a little. Or even worse, the actor is dead! He is now little more than a hot skeleton. Kinda takes the edge off it a bit.

Do you ever watch a stand-up comedy routine on TV, by a comedian who has since died? Do you feel a bit guilty when you laugh? The guy is funny, but he’s dead. He’s rotting away somewhere in a casket, yet there he is, cracking funnies and full of life. Your humour buzz dies a little. You feel mean for laughing at a dead guy.

Then the comedian makes a joke about… death. And it wouldn’t matter if it was the funniest joke in the world, all you can think is “Oh, it’s so ironic! He’s dead, and he’s joking about being dead, but now he is dead, and it’s so sad…” and you feel time slipping away and you realize the whole transient nature of the universe and that we are only here for a short time and you’re going to die and you wish you’d watched the news instead.

If the dead comedian was also hot, then you’re really in trouble.


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Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle. Roar.

The other day, my tummy started making noises. It rumbled. It made a horrible, gargling noise that sounded like a dwarf being flushed down a toilet. I assumed I must be hungry, but no amount of potato chips or beer seemed to pacify my gurgling gut.

I decided to scour the Internet for information on my minor, if irritating, condition. It was probably just gas, or too much beer, or that moldy bean burrito I should have thrown away but ate after I’d scraped the green stuff off.

I trawled cyberspace for medical blogs, message boards, and self-diagnosis forums. According to my online diagnosis, my symptoms pointed to one obvious condition. It wasn’t caused by green burritos. Or eating the wrong flavour potato chips. Or consuming vast quantities of alcohol. No, that grumbling sound was the terrifying roar of GUT WORMS. Hungry, angry, 6ft-long bowel beasts. No question about it.

According to my Internet research, we are all at risk, as gut worms are very easy to catch – you can pick them up by touching an infected person, sharing a cab, or attending a KISS concert. In fact, everyone’s insides are probably crawling with huge, squirming parasites that are slowly eating our brains and sucking the very life out of our bodies.

So, next time you hear that familiar growl deep inside your belly, you’ll know what it is. It’s a very hungry gutapillar. Throw it a donut and it won’t eat your brain.

It’s true! It said so on the Internet.


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