Fuck. I’m so bored of that swear word. I use the same old insults every minute of every day. Fuck off, screw you, suck a swan, blah, blah, etc. These insults are getting old and tired!
Luckily for everyone, I’ve come up with a variety of new swears, insults and handy phrases you can use for your everyday rants and road rage showdowns.
1. Suck My Invisible Cock – This is a useful insult for ladies. Or men without cocks.
2. Dick Trap – a nice change from the usual slut or whore.
3. Twat Ratchet – Every mechanics’ garage should have one, and frequently does.
4. Go Fuck Toffee – Have you tried fucking toffee? It’s very difficult.
5. Frig Magnet – Not to be confused with the handy kitchen accessory.
6. Wankatron – A great nerd insult. You’ve spilled Cheez Whiz all over the file server, you wankatron.
7. Jizz Jockey – A bit like a Disc Jockey, only stickier.
8. Butt Frog – Not something you’d want to see in your local pond.
9. Mitch – A male bitch. Apologies to readers called Mitch, but hey, wouldn’t it be cool to have a swearword as a name?
10. Cock Doctor – OK, some people really are cock doctors.
11. Twot – Only very posh people should use this, like the Queen or Oprah Winfrey
12. Chimney Whore – I don’t really know what one of these is.
13. Fog Fucker – Have you tried fucking fog? It’s almost impossible.
14. Twatwagon – A great insult for the motorist. Why don’t you go join your rolling twatwagon of fog fuckers… Officer.
15. Nadbadger – A comparison to a testicle-loving woodland animal? Ouch!
16. Kiss My Colon – I’m sure I wouldn’t want to do that.
17. Penguin Filler – Go fill a penguin, you wankatron. Another good insult for nerdy Linux fans.
18. Fuckerydoo – A game played by nadbadgers with the intention of pissing you off. My neighbour played fuckerydoo with the cops and busted my illegal puppy farm.
19. Sharkey – You’ll never hear this very rude word on TV, that’s for sure! For added impact, combine with Fergal – Nearly as bad as sharkey, but referring to a less moist orifice.
20. Jam Banger – Have you tried… oh, never mind.
So, next time some dicktrap driving her twatwagon full of screaming frig magnets rear-ends you, you can let the jam-banging cock doctor know exactly how you feel. Then you can tell that fergal sharkey of a twat ratchet at the repair garage to quit playing fuckerydoo and fix your car, otherwise he can suck your invisible cock. Fog fucker.
No, don’t thank me or send money for adding new swears to your lexicon. It’s just a service I provide.