Everything Found In 'Tiggy Makes Movies' Category

Hurrah for Haliwood, duh duh duh duh, hurrah for Haliwood...

Canada’s top humour blogger is appearing in a movie. And in case she doesn’t turn up, Tiggy is there too. Read all about her preparation in Part 1.

Part 2 – Performance

No! Not the face!There must have been something wrong with that mineral water I had flown in from the French Alps. A few days before shooting, disaster happened.

NASA scientists were just about to hold a press conference announcing they’d discovered an amazing red giant star, but then realized they’d been pointing their telescope at the HUGE FUCKING RED LUMP on my face. Noooo!

Three tubes of ointment and several panic attacks later, the crimson globe subsided. Phew.

A phone call from the casting office brought the next disaster. My call-up time (that’s showbiz speak for “Be on set looking good, or else”) was 5:30… in the morning. I had no idea such a time existed.

That night I woke up at midnight, 2am and 3am. I was too terrified to sleep. By the time I got up, I looked like I’d spent the night being beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. If this movie required a zombie character, my luck was in.

I groggily attempted to apply my makeup (and we know how ineffective that is) but to no avail. I decided that until I woke up, I would stand as far away as I could from the camera. Like in another building or something.

It was going to be a long morning in makeup.So there I was on set at the crack of dawn, grumpy and blotchy. The cast and crew fiddled with cables and checked their scripts. The shiny camera lens glinted menacingly at me from the gloom. I don’t like having my picture taken at the best of times, so what the hell was I doing here?

Before I had a chance to flee, a production assistant grabbed me and waved me towards the set. It was time for my performance! Oh bugger.

My big scene took place in a smart office building. I was told to look busy and do something very businesslike and important. This was going to take every last drop of my acting skills. I wished I’d taken more notice of my drama teacher at school. Shouldn’t I have lurked around offices shadowing important executives in preparation for my role? What was my motivation? When was lunch? I felt my makeup begin to dribble down my perspiring face. Oh bugger. But I couldn’t let the director down!

“Cameras… Take 1… Rolling… BACKGROUND!

That was my cue. I wobbled awkwardly towards the camera, trying not to trip over the lead actor as he swept across my path. I fumbled and clattered and sweated my way through the scene.

“CUT!” shouted the director. Hurrah! I’d done it! I had acted in a movie! Can I go home now?

“Take 2…. Rolling…”

Again? That take was perfect! Oh well, maybe one more time…

Cut! Reset! Take 3…”

Time passed.

“Take 19… Rolling… BACKGROUND!

By now I was really getting into the swing of things. I don’t know if it was due to severe dehydration or overconfidence, but as I got to know my character during those long hours of filming, I began to understand her.

How I, I mean Princess, looked in my mind. The reality was sadly very differentShe wasn’t just some office nobody. I decided she was worth more than that, so I promoted her to Assistant Manager. I think I would call her Princess. I’m not sure why, but the set lights were making me feel rather dizzy.

Princess was a high-powered executive who knew what she wanted and knew how to get it. She had just signed a multi-million-dollar deal with MegaCorp Holdings and was on her way to bust some balls in the Boardroom.

But not before she’d flirted with that hunky security guard across the corridor. And now she was going to file this paperwork in a really foxy manner. Oh yeahh….

CUT! Erm, could the girl with the red hair please go to makeup? You seem to have carbon copy ink all over your face.”

Oh bugger.

Anyway, I’m not allowed to reveal the movie plot, so I won’t tell you all about the next scenes where I battled a terrifying invasion of mutant starlings, filmed a steamy washroom scene with the hunky security guard and was then beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. The action never stopped. This movie is going to be a sure-fire hit!

So when the movie hits your local theatre, look out for a pasty ginger girl falling over a filing cabinet. That’s Tiggy!

Thanks to Mike Clattenburg and the boys for letting me stumble around their movie set for the weekend. (I’m sure you can edit those bits out later).

 

There’s a star-studded lineup of Drama Queens over at Humor-Blogs.com

 


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Just don't spit on it.

Canada’s top humour blogger is appearing in a movie. And in case she doesn’t turn up, Tiggy is there too.

Part 1 – Preparation

It’s not the first time I’ve been in front of the cameras. I’ve accidentally wandered onto many movie sets and live news reports, usually resulting in scuffles and clapperboards being thrown in my direction. But this time is different – I’m going to act in a movie!

I’m so excited. I’m very honoured to be working with such fine people. I’m sure the cast and crew will be pleased to work with me too! Hopefully they’ve forgotten all about me being thrown out of their last movie premiere party.

Tiggy, stop looking at the bloody camera!This time, persistence has paid off. I got a call from the casting office to say for fuck’s sake Tiggy, stop spamming us with e-mails, we’ve got your bloody name on the list. We’ll let you know when to turn up on set.

This is going to be awesome!

I must point out, dear readers, that my role is as yet unknown. By that I mean I’m a background cast member. By that I mean I don’t have any lines. OK, I’m an extra. But they’re important too! They perform a vital role as crowds and miscellaneous pedestrians. And like all good actors, I need to prepare.

The biggest challenge facing us extras, I mean, background actors, is to understand our purpose. We are the random faces in the crowd and the mysterious unknown characters behind the stars. We give the movie depth and substance.

Trifles. Movies. More in common than you think.If a movie is like a trifle, the main cast is like the custard and cream. And the background cast is the undercurrent of jelly gently supporting them (not just currant jelly – any sort of jelly really).

The custard and cream are the best bits, but you can’t have trifle without jelly. And I guess that makes the crew the sponge fingers? Um.
Anyway, I’m going to abandon this trifle analogy and just reiterate that extras are very important.

As well as mentally prepare, I have to be in peak physical condition. My rigorous detox program, low-fat diet and calisthenics workouts lasted all of two days, so for now I’m just cutting back on cheese. I will consume my weekly ration of cocktails at the weekend cast parties. Weekend cast parties! And they can’t throw me out this time!

Don't look into the camera can't let the director down don't look into the camera...I also have an excuse to spend $$$ on fancy hair cuts, make-up and manicures. I am beginning to understand the pressure a movie star must feel to look good all the time. Suppose the director shoots a scene with my feet in it? My toenails have to be perfect and nicely painted, just in case.

And I can’t drink anything other than French mineral water – I have to think about my complexion you know! And I’m hoping I get a nice trailer, I need space to prepare.

Oh, I feel actor’s burnout coming on. I’m off to borrow some prescription drugs and visit my masseuse…

Will Tiggy make it to the set without going off the rails? What role has the director got in store for her? Is she sure she hasn’t been duped into making some greasy porno? Will she get a nice trailer? Find out in Part Two! 

Their casting couch is beckoning over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Say NO to C-10! Grrrr!

Those of us involved in the Canadian creative community (and those of us pretending to be, for the purpose of this story) are worried. The government is trying to introduce a Bill called C-10, a draconian law preventing artists from using government loans to finance ‘challenging’ movies. Canadian banks are often reluctant to finance such movies, citing pathetic excuses like “They’re usually drivel”.

Just in case C-10 passed, I thought I’d better get my claim in with the Tax Credit Department before the men in grey totally destroyed my freedom of expression. I felt my luck was in with my latest venture, a scarifying indictment of capitalist urban society entitled The Cock Whisperer.

Auditions were going very well.Based on a true experience, The Cock Whisperer is the powerful story of a girl who has the gift-like ability to banish men’s rampant and uncontrollable sexual desires by sitting in a room with them for five minutes. I’d assembled a cast from the many out-of-work actors in my neighbourhood and spent several hours sweating over the script.

Unfortunately, the Tax Credit Department did not share my enthusiasm for the project and demanded vicious rewrites before they would consider scribbling out any cheques. They claimed my touching tale about touching todgers was merely an excuse for me to film attractive gentlemen without their underpants, and was not in the Canadian public interest to fund it.

I remonstrated that actually the Canadian public wanted, nay, demanded to sit in a movie theatre for two hours looking at men’s units – all my friends had said so. Apart from the male ones. And the local vicar. And my neighbour, who actually called the cops when I asked to borrow their hot tub for a few scenes. I think the cops are beginning to tire of being called to my street.

My fight with the Police State suits will continue as I refuse to compromise my artistic integrity. Like filming Titanic without the iceberg, you cannot have a story about cocks without cocks.

Failing that I’ll borrow my mate Sparky’s video camera and produce the bloody movie myself without their stupid tax credits.

Anyone got a hot tub I can borrow?


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You like me, you really... oh, maybe not.

I didn’t know what Hollywood scriptwriters looked like until I saw them on the picket lines during the recent writers’ strike. They looked normal enough – they didn’t drive up in their Ferraris flashing botox smiles like Tinsel Town big shots. They wore normal clothes, had normal faces and probably had messy houses and an overdraft like everyone else.

Hollywood needs them. Can you imagine if they were filming CSI: Las Vegas and the director says to the cast “Hmmm, maybe someone can pretend to be dead, here’s some fake blood. Fucked if I know, just make it up as you go along…” Gil Grissom wouldn’t look like such a know-it-all forensic fancy pants then.

Awesome Movie
Maybe I had what it took to be a movie screenwriter. Stupidly, I wondered out loud to my friends how easy it must be. All you need is to think up some characters, put them in a situation and then resolve that situation, somehow, in about 95 minutes. Go on, my friends said. At least come up with an idea.

My movie script needed careful planning. I had to come up with fascinating characters and an intriguing plotline with plenty of twists. Half an hour of solid work through my lunch break later, I had the foundations of my awesome movie – a dark road trip comedy with a clever subplot. I’d hardly finished my cup-a-soup as I typed out my synopsis. I am in the wrong job, I thought. Just wait until my friends read this. I wonder which producer will call me first?

Hot Dog-Eating Monkeys
My friends’ reviews were lukewarm. “Um, Tiggy, hasn’t this been done before?” “I don’t get that bit about the monkey and the hot dog eating contest…” “I’ve noticed one major flaw in your plotline…”

What a bunch of loser armchair critics. How dare they trash my idea! I played the whole movie back in my mind – it was fantastic! I’d pay to see it several times at a theatre. I sulked like a diva for the rest of the day.

Maybe I’m not cut out to be a screenwriter. The pressure to come up with original, logical and entertaining material is too much for me. The trauma of a rejected idea is unbearable. These Hollywood writers must have a thick skin, even without the botox.


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