Everything Found In 'I’m So Angry!' Category

eddie mcjpgThe Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist Eddie McMayonnaise shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.

.As top columnist for the Lunenburg County Bugler I’m not usually one to snark about my fellow journalists. But on the other hand, it’s very easy and there is payment involved.

Have you noticed when the TV or newspaper reports the death of someone, it always says “He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, with his family and friends around his bedside.” Every time! What I’d like to know is:

I'm dead angry!– How come his family knew what time he was going to die, so they could all gather around his bedside?

– Or, had they been standing there for days, impatiently waiting for the old bugger to pop his clogs so they could read the will?

– Or, was there some kind of machine unplugging ceremony involved?
“Are we all here? Right, who wants to flip the switch?”

– Or, do newspapers… lie?
“He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, alone in the washroom with his head jammed down a urinal…” It just doesn’t have the same brevity, does it?

And how come when someone famous dies, we all have to pretend we liked them? “Oooh, I was such a big Michael Jackson fan!” cried my colleague the other day, as she wiped away a tear. “I loved that song he did with Paul McCartney, you know, Ebony and Ivory?

For the record, I only listen to dead musicians. That way I won’t be disappointed when they don’t go on tour.

Oooh, it makes me angry! I’m off to HMV to lick all the Thriller CDs. Toodel-oo!


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The Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.

Ring Ring! Ring Ring! Bugger Off! Bugger Off!I hate phone calls! Sometimes I pick up the phone and the first thing I hear is some guy chirping “Hi! How are you?” Not “Hello, Randy here!” or “Can I speak to Eddie McMayonnaise please?” like normal people do. He doesn’t even introduce himself. A stranger has called me to enquire about my well-being. Is he a stalker? I hope it isn’t that stinky guy that sat next to me on the bus yesterday. I was hoping my stalker would be female. Or at least use deodorant. Pah!

So I’ve got this nameless weirdo on the phone asking me how I am. I guess I’m supposed to be polite and say “Fine! And you?” and then we can finally get on with the conversation. Supposing I’m not fine? Or feeling sarcastic? Maybe I should say “I’m feeling really horny right now…” and see where that gets me. If the caller is the tax office or my new editor, even better.

Why don't they call me when I'm out?The phone always rings just as I’m sitting down to eat dinner, of course. The other night, I received one of those ghastly telemarketing calls. Some idiot who called himself “Jeff” but sounded more like “Sanjeev” started droning on about reward cards and overdrafts from some dodgy-sounding bank…

“We offer a fixed term low interest loan and sir we just need your date of birth and car registration number to set up an account right now sir and we also offer a high interest fixed savings account for your cat and we just need your social insurance number and a list of your freezer contents and sir we can set up this account now…”

Jeff/Sanjeev wouldn’t take no for an answer so I put the phone down on him. He called back five minutes later and continued his pitch as if nothing had happened! I put the phone down again. He called back again to enquire why I had put the phone down on him! What?

So I moved house. Ha!

Ohhhh I’m so angry! I’m off to tear down to a child’s treehouse. CYA!


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The Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.

Me and Prime Minister Stephen Harper agree on one thing. The Arts are rubbish! So-called ‘artists’ waste their time splattering paint about and poncing around on stage, when they could be doing useful jobs like building cars and running banks!

Tonight I have to review a play at the local arts theatre. The play is billed as “An intimate study of one woman’s journey through life and spirituality, reflected against the backdrop of social turmoil and political strife in 1960s Belfast”. Gahhhh!

Why are plays always about dramatic spiritual journeys and social turmoil? Why can’t they be about monkeys or something? I’d like to see a play about monkeys.

Tomorrow I have to attend an open night at the local Gallery of Modern Art. They have nibbles, which is the main reason I’m going. But how am I going to make polite conversation with the fancy art crowd about this:

Rabbits... teeth... erm...

Apparently, this work is a study of the symbolic progression of climate change as perceived through the eyes of nature…. I can see rabbits. With boobs? Are those things pretzels? What?

The stray cats at the local dump have created better art than that! No really, they have:

Lol, cat art.

Not bad for a first attempt, Tiddles!

Ohhh, I’m so cross I’m going to set fire to the Fire Station and call it Art. Ta-ta!


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As you know, nothing makes me angry. “Where are the rants, screaming and violent rage?” you often complain. I’m not capable of hateful thoughts, so my new guest poster, Lunenburg County Bugler’s star columnist Eddie McMayonnaise has volunteered to share his thoughts on things that make him want to smash things. Over to you, Eddie.

Eddie is cross!“Oooh, I’m So ANGRY!” About Television!

I love television! It’s a great way to avoid talking to Mrs McMayo, who is quite the most tedious company. But do you know what makes an even worse sound than Mrs McMayo – that’s right, the television!

Why do computers on TV shows like CSI: Las Vegas make lots of noise? Does your computer bleep and twitter every time you press a key? Mine just goes ‘ping!’ and crashes. Why is Gil Grissom’s computer better than mine? How come it takes five seconds for his computer to descramble a blurred CCTV image of a suspect, match his face to his fingerprints, detail his entire criminal record and alert a SWAT team to the dumpster he’s hiding in? In five seconds my computer is still wondering if it feels like opening Firefox. Bah!

TV - isn't not very realistic, is it??Why do sounds sound different on TV? Not just computers, but fights. When a burly cop inexplicably downs all weapons and punches the bad guy, we hear this really impressive “Phhhhhwwwattt” as the baddie’s teeth disappear down his throat. When I punch someone, I just hear the gentle click of my fingers dislocating. Bugger!

How come on TV when two people are having sex, they don’t shout out stupid things as they climax, or giggle nervously and make squelching noises like everyone else? How come no-one ever falls out of bed, comes too soon or shouts “Gross! Suck it yourself, you perverted freak!” like everyone else?

And afterwards they just get out of bed, slip on their clothes and go for a coffee. They don’t clumsily search for Kleenex or fumble about with sloppy condoms. Why aren’t they sticky?

Ohhhh, the TV makes me angry now! I’m off to kick a charity worker. Toodeloo!


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