Everything Found In 'Meat Beat' Category

Gone fishing with Meat Beat!

Hey there meat maniacs, it’s time for another Meat Beat!

Bob: Welcome to another edition of Meat Beat! Today, we’re not in the woods at all. Or even at the zoo. Can you guess where we’re hunting today? But I warn you, Monty’s feeling a little rough, aren’t you sir?

Monty: Holy ham no, I’m fine there, boy. Jus’ gettin’ used to the ole sea legs. And sea guts.

Bob: That’s right folks, today’s Meat Beat is coming to you from a small fishing boat in the Atlantic ocean! Having conquered the land, Monty has decided to become King of the Cod, Master of Mackerel, Sultan of Snap…

Monty: Yeah that’s enough, quit yer yappin’. Now I’ll be tha first to admit I don’t know gizzardy-spit about fishin’. If I ain’t zippin’ a bullet thru some critter’s guts it ain’t worth ma time. But Bobby here thought it might do me some good to get some fresh sea air. Dunno why, nothing wrong with that musty forest smell. Like a man should smell Bobby. Not like an ol’ halibut, like ma wife when she’s….

Bob: Anyway Monty, that’s probably enough background to our trip. So, the first thing we have to do if we want a tasty fish supper is to bait our rods! For that, I bought a big bucket of what anglers call ‘chum’. It’s around here somewhere. Have you seen the bucket, Monty?

Monty: Ya mean the lunch bucket?

Bob: No Monty, our lunch is in the cooler. I’m talking about the white bucket.

Monty: You mean tha white lunch bucket?

Bob: There isn’t a white lunch bucket, Monty.

Monty: Yeah they is, the white bucket with the lunch! What I ate.

Bob: Oh my God Monty, that was bits of old squid and fish guts! I packed ham sandwiches for lunch.

Monty: Ham sammiches? Jeez Bob, ya ain’t gonna steel ya belly for the sea with piddy-biddy lady foods! Them squids was real nice. Kinda maggoty, but it’s OK they full of protein and all good stuff.

Bob: Good grief… OK, well I guess we’ll use the sandwiches instead. I hope the fish don’t expect me to cut the crusts off though Monty, eh? Haha, imagine if fish didn’t like crusts!

Monty: Bob, ya talkin’ bullbob again. I’ve heard the tha sea can make ya mad. Like that pirate ship that went all gay.

Bob: I don’t think that happened Monty. Anyway, I’ve attached the sandwiches to the line, and – woah – there it goes! We have now officially cast our Meat Beat rods into the briny! Now we wait.

*** time passes***

Bob: Well folks, it’s been four hours now, and not a single bite. We saw a dolphin though!

Monty: Yeah, but ya wouldn’t let me shoot it, would ya Bob!

Bob: Monty, how did you get that gun onboard? You were told by the nice boat rental man you can’t shoot fish. And we’re not going to get stormed by a gay pirate boat.

Monty: Dammit, that dolphin coulda cooked up real nice with bit a tabasco and pepper. Dolphins should be for eatins, not doin’ that namby-pamby Sea World stuff jumpin’ through hoops and makin’ splashies for the kiddies. Putta dollop a ketchup on a nice juicy dolphin steak and them kiddies will be chewin’ away at it like they having they best day out ever.

*** more time passes ***

Bob: Oh dear, it looks like we won’t be getting our fish feast as planned. Or even a dolphin burger! I’m kind of regretting we didn’t go for that option now. We’ve got no food and the weather is getting a little rough out here.

Monty: Holy hell Bob, I ain’t feelin’ so good. This boat is dancin’ around like a rabbit in a bonfire, and I ain’t had so much as a lick of blood all day. How you get this damn thing to drive home?

Bob: Well Monty, the boat rental man did explain it, but it’s getting dark and I can’t quite read the controls…

Monty: Well figger it out quick Bobby, I’m about a put them squids right back into the bucket they came from, and they won’t look so good second time about.

Bob: Oh for God’s sake Monty, just throw up over the side of the boat, and… Oh Monty, NO. No not in the cabin… OH NO Monty, that’s my cellphone… MONTY NO IT’S IN MY HAIR OH GOD

Sorry about this folks, hopefully Monty and Bob will get back to terra firma soon and do what they do best – shoot the shit out of our furry forest friends! See ya next time and don’t forget what Monty says – I TOLD YA MEAT IS USEFUL!


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Ladies just love ma meat!Monty: Hey Tiggy fans, it’s time for another Meat Beat with me, Monty O’Drizzle, Professor of Pork and critter shootin’ superstar! And with me is my assistant, Bob Nutter, with some news he saw on the internet television.

Bob: Hi everyone! A fan sent me a story about Theressa Groenwald-Hagerman, the world’s greatest female bow hunter! She has pulled off quite a feat that I’m sure you’ll love to hear about.

Monty: Now, me and Bobby-boy may be men of the forest, I mean real men, who smell as good as we sweat. But we don’t mind seein’ the little ladies havin’ a go at huntin’ do we? We ain’t liberals or homosexuals or nothin’ funny like that. But it’s all fair in the forest, hey?

Bob: Yes Monty, we are so pleased women are venturing into the wilderness thrilling to the kill! Ladies make good hunters, it’s like going to the grocery store and fur boutique in one afternoon.

Monty: Heck yeah, once those ladies start imaginin’ them rabbits as a pair a boots, there’s nothin’ in Hell that’ll stop them from slayin’ those little critters all day! I can barely keep up huntin’ with ma sister Mabel when she’s hankerin’ for a new wardrobe.

What a silly hunt.Bob: Too right, Monty! Anyway, this lady has stolen our hearts, after ripping out the heart of the biggest beast of all! She is the first woman ever to kill-wait for it-an African elephant… with a bow and arrow! Just think of the skill required to find and hunt down a cunning wild animal like a six ton, 12 ft high elephant!

Monty: Yep, them elephants are stealthy critters, ain’t they? Nice to see a young lady doin’ somthin for the environment other than doin’ them those borin’ old walks for peace, an’ cleanin’ up oil spills with tofu or whatever it is them ladies do.

That’s beautiful photo, Bob. Makes ya feel like a man, if you know what I’m talkin’ about. I’d love to get ma mitts on that sexy hot flesh, fer sure. My mouth’s getting’ all wet just thinkin’ about it.

Bob: I don’t think that’s an appropriate comment about the nice lady, Monty.

Monty: The lady? Oh yeah, that’s what I was lookin’ at. Anyways, well done little Miss! I’m hoping next time she’ll go for somethin’ really challengin’, like a polar bear or panda. I’d like to have me some sweet an’ sour panda one day, once them vegan environmentalists quit yappin’.

Ohh, my chute’s gettin’ wet again. Hey Bob, start up that barbeque, I need to get some pork into me to calm me down here! See y’all next time for another Meat Beat!


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Christmas! Meat! Christmas Meat! Meeeaaat!

Monty: Happy Holidays, Tiggy fans! Me an’ Bob jus love this time a year, and you know why? Tis the season to be killin’!

Bob: That’s right, Monty. There’s no better way to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus than with a feast of fresh kill.

Monty: Dasher, Donner, Blitzen and ole Rudolf himself will have pride of place at our Christmas table… as tha main course! We tell the lil kids we shot ’em off the roof. It makes ’em bawl like banshees, but they gotta toughen up sum time, hey?

Bob: Quite right, Monty, there’s no room for crybabies in our hunting hut! Now, seeing as this is the season for giving, we’d like to share some of our golden rules of hunting with the nice Tiggyblog readers, before they head off on their Christmas shooting sprees.

Monty: Thas right, Bob! Ya may be lucky enough to get that huntin’ rifle ya asked for on Christmas time. But ya can’t jus go out an’ blast away anythin’ ya see, no matter how much fun that is! Ya gotta follow a few rules that will make yer shootin’ a lot safer.

We don’t like safer, do we Bob, but I ain’t goin’ to jail no more. I can’t handle no more of that prison life, my poor asshol..

Bob: Anyway, Monty, lets run through a few Things You Shouldn’t Be Shooting At.

Cats. Don't eat 'em.Number one on our no-no list is CATS. They may be plentiful in numbers and taste as good as they look, but no hunter worth his salt would take a shot at this noble and elegant creature.

Monty: Tha’s right, Bob! Ya’ll leave them cats alone! Unless they’re poopin’ in yur yard, that is.

Bob: No Monty, not even if they’re pooping in your yard.

Monty: Pissin’ in yur yard?

Bob: No.

Monty: Pukin’?

Bob: No.

Monty: Makin’ them screechy cat noises and doin’ they dirty stuff with Mrs. MacKenzie’s Persian?

Bob: Monty…

Rats. Don't eat 'em neither.Monty: Aww. Looks like dem good-fer-nothin’ cats are off ma Christmas menu for this year. Next up is tha VERMIN. Don’t shoot vermin, folks!

Bob: Now some folk out there are probably scratching their heads, wondering why we don’t shoot rats or other pesky critters. I bet they’re thinking we’re mad!

Monty: I’ll tell ’em why, Bob! Nummer one, you can’t eat ’em, so is a waste a bullets. Nummer two, they is useless for wearin’ – you try sewin’ together 300 rat pellets to make a pair a pants or jerkin’ or summit. You wastin’ yer time fiddlin’ when you could jus skin a moose an’ throw that on. Nummer three – and let me apologize to the lil ladies out there for ma language – but they’s got all kinda diseases from eatin’ poop an’ shit. The rat I mean, not the lil ladies! Although folks, Bob showed me this video thing called Two Girls, One Cu…

Bob: Thank you Monty. So, my hunting friends, just remember our little motto and you’ll be fine – what is it, Monty?

Monty: No Cats, No Rats, No Pedestrians. It’s tha huntin’ code we live by, hey?

Bob: It sure is. Anyway Monty, it’s time to don our camouflage gear and get hunting!

Monty: Thas right, Bob, I’m gettin’ funny feelin’s in my camo pants jus’ thinkin’ bout it. You go ahead an’ I’ll catch ya up in ten minutes, I have to go lube ma… barrel… on my gun. With tha lube.

Bob: Good idea, Monty, it’s always best to thoroughly test your equipment before a long day of action. Have a great Christmas folks! And remember, pets aren’t just for Christmas – with any luck there’ll be enough left over for Boxing Day!

Ho ho ho, only joking, folks! Happy holidays!


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Meat, I love ya!

Monty: Hey there Tiggy fans! Monty O’Drizzle here, world-renowned hunter an’ King of the Kill! Today, me an’ my assistant Bob Nutter have been takin’ a look at the wonderful world of meat art.

Bob: Yes folks, you heard Monty right. Meat isn’t just for eating!

Monty: I told ya meat is useful! Now, I’m not one for wastin’ my time in art galleries, unless they let me shoot at stuff, hey? But I’d hire out my Momma out for target practice, to own summa this art!

Bob: So Monty, let’s have a wander down our virtual meat-art exhibition. First up is this wonderful sculpture of a house, made out of meat! Look at the plumpness of those sausage walls.

What a treat! A house made of meat!

Monty: Holy hell, Bob, I’d love to be livin’ in a house’ made outta meat! It sure beat my lil huntin’ hut fer sure. If I was hankerin’ for supper, I could jus’ lick the walls! Neat, hey?

Bob: And here’s the American Star-Spangled Banner – or should that be the Star Spangled Dinner! This wonderful work of meat art tastes as good as it looks.

It's the streaky bacon Stars and Stripes!

Monty: Now that is one ‘Merican flag I’d like to see goin’ up in flames… on tha’ grill, that is! I’m kinda inspired to be makin’ my own flag outta somethin’ patriotic, like beaver guts. That would hang mighty fine on ma meat wall in ma meat house, hey? Meat. I love ya.

Bob: Meat has also made its way onto the catwalk! Look at this wearable work of art – a dress made out of meat! Never mind those little black cocktail dresses ladies, if you want to impress your man on a date, I’d slip into this cheeky little bacon number.

A meat dress! Eww.

Monty: Bob, I’d even be tempted to go onna date with a lil lady if she were wearin’ that getup! Hell, I’d date a one-legged leprechaun with rabies if he were wearin’ a meat dress!

Bob: Ladies, this outfit may melt a hunter’s heart, but just remember that wearing this dress in warm environments like nightclubs can attract unwanted attention. And I’m not just talking about attracting bar flies! But also maggots and other parasitic infestations.

Monty: Good advice there Bob, I’d be keepin’ a can of fly spray in ma purse jus’ to be safe. Anyhoo, all this meat art stuff is makin’ ma belly make a noise like when we rolled that badger down a hill in an oil drum. Remember that, Bob? He were not a happy badger, that’s fer sure!

Bob: I don’t think we ever did that, Monty. Anyway, join us again next time for another Meat Beat! And don’t forget – meat is murder – but the good kind!


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