What price glory, eh? Several atheletes at the Beijing Olympics were stripped of their medals after positive drugs tests. And for what? A metal disc and a trip around their hometown on an open-top bus. Drugs in sport are wrong! But supposing they were alright? Some sports could positively benefit from a shot of something…

Caffeinated Golf - The utterly dull ’sport’ of golf could be livened up instantly by priming the dreary competitors with double espressos and energy drinks before play. Imagine the speed a game would be finished in as the hyper hitters tremble their way to the 18th hole!

No need for golf carts as competitors race around the green like retarded rabbits.

High Cage Fighting - Like most people, I enjoy watching near-naked sweaty men rolling around on the floor. However cage fighting can get rather violent and bloody. Where’s the love, guys?

I propose a much gentler version of the sport, where both musclemen smoke a giant spliff before combat. We will instead be treated to the sight of near-naked sweaty men rolling around on the floor, giggling and shouting “Dude! I love you!” “No I love you more!” A sure-fire hit with ladies and the gay community.

Drunk Javelin - Make sure the competitors are tanked up to the tank tops, give them a huge pointed spear and point them in the general direction of the target. Watch those javelins fly!

This could be the ultimate in audience participation sport, as the crowd will have to keep a keen eye on the direction of those mighty arrows.

500m Nicotine Back Stroke - To brighten up tedious swimming races, all competitors have to swim with a lit cigarette dangling from their mouths.

The swimmers must keep puffing away until the finish - an unlit soggy butt will mean elimination! Just think of the sponsorship possibilities for Marlboro.

Running - All runners should be allowed to take as many steroids as their bodies can handle. Races will be run in the shortest time possible - the 1500m will be over in a matter of seconds!

In that way, the Olympics will be over a lot sooner and won’t junk up the TV schedules all summer.

I’m thinking maybe LSD Formula 1 and potato vodka skydiving are non-starters, and any sport involving bullets should perhaps retain their drug-free policy. Are there any sports you would want livened up by a lychee martini or two? Tell Tiggy!

Their manly muscles are steroid-free over at Humor-Blogs.com

A Bit High | 13 Comments »

Is it possible to get high without breaking the law? I couldn’t be bothered to waste money on ‘legal high’ seeds or spend hours in the wilderness hunting for mushrooms, so I decided to look around the house for things to bring on that buzz. Honestly, the things I do in the name of research…

Wasabi - A dab of luminous Japanese horseradish provides an instant fiery buzz, so instead of ketchup I dolloped the green goo all over my dinner.

The stinging head rush and physical contortions that followed registered somewhere between orgasm and epileptic fit. Not a pretty sight. My nasal passages are still recovering from 3rd degree burns. Do not attempt wasabi overload at a Japanese restaurant or you’ll be asked to leave.
Legal High - 6/10. If your idea of fun is a fire in your brain, go for it.

Energy Drinks - The TV advert promised to give me wings - sounded like a high time. My mate Sparky (an expert on dubious substances) reckoned the overpriced caffeinated gloop at the local store was useless - the original drink from Thailand would make me fly a lot higher. Conveniently, he had a crate of Thai energy drink in his basement. The medicine bottle-shaped container should have been a warning - but no, I accepted Sparky’s challenge and downed several bottles of the sickly-sweet liquid…

OMG OMG itwaslikeallthesethingsinmymindallnightuhhh-uhhh-uhhh-can’t-sleep-no-sleep-brain thinking-two-thoughts-at-once-wooowooowoooo. And so on, for 14 hours solid.
Legal High - 9/10. More wings than a bucket of KFC.

Spinning - When I was a child I used to spin around until I fell over all dizzy and giggling. It seemed like a good idea to retry this early high so I twirled around in my living room until my brain went flying. Unfortunately, so did my television set and the coffee table. This technique is not a good idea if you’re adult size. And I used to bounce off furniture a lot better when I was 4.
Legal High - 5/10. Thrilling but costly. Try it in a wide open space with a pillow tied to your head.

Hemp Oil - Hemp oil is legal but can contain small traces of THC (the stuff that makes you go floaty and eat seventeen hot dogs in one sitting). I could legally buy this oil in my local store, although the checkout girl gave me a funny look when I slapped 3 litres of it on the counter.

The oil tasted like a cross between peanuts, grass clippings and Castrol GTX. It was overpowering by the spoonful, so I shoved the lot in the blender with some yogurt and made hemp smoothies. I forced the green concoction down awaited the buzz.

Lesson learned - hemp oil won’t get you anywhere near high no matter how much you gulp down. It will, however, make you very regular.
Cure For Constipation - 10/10, Legal High - 0/10. Doesn’t make good smoothies.

Non-Dairy Creamer - I wondered what would happen if I snorted Coffee Mate. It looked powdery and inviting and contained many complex-sounding chemicals that must have some sort of effect. Would I experience an instant non-dairy high? Or just dribble cream out my nostrils? However, the only thing I’m ever likely stick up my nose is a pencil so I declined that challenge.
Legal High - N/A. I’m not that daft.

So unless you enjoy burning your brain, falling over furniture or spending the day on the ceiling or on the toilet, I think it’s safe to say all these legal highs are useless. And this is probably why they’re still legal.

They’re higher than a kite stuck to a kestrel at Humor-Blogs.com

A Bit High | 13 Comments »

I’m sure most of you are too stoned to see your calendar, but today is 4/20! The day when folk around the world have an excuse to smoke that gram of pathetic-looking weed they’ve been hiding all year. And the cops don’t mind! I expect.

But what is marijuana? Why is marijuana? Where the hell did I hide my sativa stash?

Hazy History
Marijuana was created by God and all the holy angels after the Universe was invented in 359 BC. The herb was popularized by Moses, as recounted by Jim Leviticus in Bible: Episode III (A New Hopeless) -

“And the Lord said unto Moses, I shall appear before you in a cloud of incense and it will be like, really funny. And you shall bring forth two goats for offering. And a bag of potato chips. No, three bags. And thou shalt barbeque one goat and we’ll get really fucked up. Did I mention potato chips?”

The UK government banned weed during World War II as the baked British public weren’t taking the war seriously enough. The famous poster campaign “Put That Spliff Out!” encouraged the mashed-up masses go out and kill some bloody Nazis, rather than giggling and wavy dancing whenever the air raid sirens went off.

Happy Talk
Purely as research for this post, I will fire up a fat one and attempt to convey the feelings of marijuana-induced euphoria via the medium of the written word…

It feels happy. Oh yes, happy flavours. All day. Flavours of electric panda is what I need soon. Butter. Then in numb, fingers across the breeze like sausages with fingers, burning sofa with matches. I imagine fun? Yes, so.

Then afraid. Time to go under the table, my Lord. Police sirens. Oh! Bad flashing lights, policemans. Policemans with sausage fingers. Are sofa on fire? Happy dancing fire.

Peanut butter, potato chips hungry. Chinese open at this hour? May soon find out. Who is May Soon? Rice Crispies. Lol.

…You see? Pot is perfectly harmless and then sausages.

Weed Cuisine
You could spend several hours pretending you know how to roll a joint. Then spend another hour on your hands and knees extracting spilled bud fragments from the carpet. It’s a pitiful sight, so I suggest befriending an expert stoner to roll joints for you (look in the Yellow Pages under “IT Professionals”).

Another method, most popular at 1:30 in the morning, is to make hash brownies. Simply mix the contents of your fridge with 5 grams of leaf and heat at HIGH (obviously) in the microwave for four minutes. Top with icing sugar and consume charred mess before the fire trucks arrive. A delicious treat for 4/20 day!

Festivities will soon be over as 4/21 approaches, so hide your hot knives. Hopefully the effects will wear off before you are back at work driving trains or performing microneural surgery tomorrow.
Same time next year, stoners!

A Bit High | 9 Comments »