Pity the poor fluffy residents of the Ruhr Valley in Germany. The area is being terrorized by a crazed rabbit ripper who breaks into hutches, decapitates pet bunnies and leaves a trail of fur and sobbing children in his wake. The Miffy-murdering scoundrel isn’t snatching his victims to make a nice stew, but disposes of their headless remains in playgrounds and pensioners’ gardens!
What can German animal lovers to do, apart from setting booby traps in the garden or locking poor Flopsy in the basement with a machine gun? Maybe residents should end their love of lop-ears and invest in fiercer pets that will give the Bunny Butcherer a run for his money…
1. Tiger – Who could resist this adorable bundle of stripy fur? You’ll never get mugged when taking Kitty for a walk – you could ‘clean up’ your local park by hunting down pickpockets, hoodlums and annoying joggers! It would give Kitty a good workout and save on pet food costs.
Just a tip, don’t let Kitty sit on your lap and dig his claws in.
2. Snake – Admittedly a fang-toothed venomous snake is not as cuddly as a rabbit, but you could knit him an armless wooly jersey to snuggle in. Snakes love to chomp on insects and rodents, so he could help with domestic cleaning chores by slithering around the house clearing up spiders and mice. Just make sure he doesn’t clear up any small children or puppies.
3. Polar Bear – Those Germans went crazy for little Knut and Flocke, so just imagine the fun you’d have with your own polar pet! Polar Bears are easy to look after – just pop them in the bath tub with a bucket of blubber and let them splash away. Don’t forget to tell visitors you have a 1000lb bear in the bathroom before they use the facilities.
4. Stuffed Pet – Why not beat the Decapitator of Dortmund to it and purchase a dead pet? Simply pop into to Bob’s Taxidermy and peruse his selection of reconditioned rabbits. Stuff your stiff pet with explosives, stick it in the garden and wait for the Rabbit Ripper to come along … that’ll teach the fucker!
5.Vegetables – I know what you’re thinking: “Tiggy, you ginger lunatic, vegetables aren’t pets! Are you on drugs?” But think about it. A “pet” could be anything you have to love and care for. Prince Charles talks to his pet plants and he’s not mad at all.
And pet vegetables are easy to look after! They don’t need walking in the park (unless you really want to), they are perfectly house-trained and you’ll feel less guilty about chopping them up and eating them than you would your hamster. And a bloodthirsty serial killer isn’t going to slaughter a row of innocent veggies in your garden, is he?
Hopefully this horrible hutch-harasser will be caught and end up in a little cage of his own. For now, keep your bunnies safe and next time, buy a pet with a bit more bite!
Humor-Blogs.com loves all fluffy creatures.