Category: Thinking About Stuff

Lock Up Your Bunnies – Rabbit Ripper on the Loose!

Ickle wabbits - cute, tasty and in danger!

Pity the poor fluffy residents of the Ruhr Valley in Germany. The area is being terrorized by a crazed rabbit ripper who breaks into hutches, decapitates pet bunnies and leaves a trail of fur and sobbing children in his wake. The Miffy-murdering scoundrel isn’t snatching his victims to make a nice stew, but disposes of their headless remains in playgrounds and pensioners’ gardens!

What can German animal lovers to do, apart from setting booby traps in the garden or locking poor Flopsy in the basement with a machine gun? Maybe residents should end their love of lop-ears and invest in fiercer pets that will give the Bunny Butcherer a run for his money…

One less jogger.1. Tiger – Who could resist this adorable bundle of stripy fur? You’ll never get mugged when taking Kitty for a walk – you could ‘clean up’ your local park by hunting down pickpockets, hoodlums and annoying joggers! It would give Kitty a good workout and save on pet food costs.

Just a tip, don’t let Kitty sit on your lap and dig his claws in.

2. Snake – Admittedly a fang-toothed venomous snake is not as cuddly as a rabbit, but you could knit him an armless wooly jersey to snuggle in. Snakes love to chomp on insects and rodents, so he could help with domestic cleaning chores by slithering around the house clearing up spiders and mice. Just make sure he doesn’t clear up any small children or puppies.

<Excuse to post cute pic of Knut goes here>3. Polar Bear – Those Germans went crazy for little Knut and Flocke, so just imagine the fun you’d have with your own polar pet! Polar Bears are easy to look after – just pop them in the bath tub with a bucket of blubber and let them splash away. Don’t forget to tell visitors you have a 1000lb bear in the bathroom before they use the facilities.

4. Stuffed Pet – Why not beat the Decapitator of Dortmund to it and purchase a dead pet? Simply pop into to Bob’s Taxidermy and peruse his selection of reconditioned rabbits. Stuff your stiff pet with explosives, stick it in the garden and wait for the Rabbit Ripper to come along … that’ll teach the fucker!

<Excuse to post cock-shaped carrot goes here>5.Vegetables – I know what you’re thinking: “Tiggy, you ginger lunatic, vegetables aren’t pets! Are you on drugs?” But think about it. A “pet” could be anything you have to love and care for. Prince Charles talks to his pet plants and he’s not mad at all.

And pet vegetables are easy to look after! They don’t need walking in the park (unless you really want to), they are perfectly house-trained and you’ll feel less guilty about chopping them up and eating them than you would your hamster. And a bloodthirsty serial killer isn’t going to slaughter a row of innocent veggies in your garden, is he?

Hopefully this horrible hutch-harasser will be caught and end up in a little cage of his own. For now, keep your bunnies safe and next time, buy a pet with a bit more bite! loves all fluffy creatures.


Smog Is In The Air

Suck it up, Smog fans!

Now the snow has cleared and the frostbite infections have healed, it’s time to welcome the season known as smog. That pretty yellow haze and tickly feeling in the lungs heralds the arrival of my favourite time of year. And it seems we just can’t get enough of smog!

Smog’s popularity is growing. Cities everywhere vie for the prize of ‘Smog Capital of the World’ with more countries joining in the fun every year. Toronto put in a good effort last year, but was out-hazed by those up and coming pea-souper-stars Beijing and Mexico City. Better luck this year, TO!

Some people say smog is a bad thing that contributes to countless deaths and diseases, posing a greater threat to our health than smoking, drinking and coffee creamer. But a world without smog would be unthinkable! Just consider the benefits…

Without smog, Christmas is ruined! Without smog, there would be no Christmas! Imagine the tears in small children’s eyes as they open their empty stockings. “Sorry kids, but the Chinese factories that make Santa’s toys have closed down due to anti-pollution laws. You’ll have to play with this pile of organic hemp instead”.

Surely it’s better to let factories pump noxious chemicals into the atmosphere than deprive little Johnny of his plastic TransformoMangaZoid robot? Those Chinese factory workers will just have to learn to hold their breath more often.

– Smog can help prevent heart attacks! Sick of those emaciated health gurus lecturing you about how unhealthy you are and how you should get off your lardy arse and go jogging? It’s alright for those multi-billionaire fitness freaks; they can jog around their luxury yachts in Monaco.

But for those of us in Smog City, running around wheezing in the fuggy haze is very dangerous! You could suffer heart failure, or get hit by a car lost in the fog. Are these exercise Nazis trying to finish us off? Far healthier to remain inside and take a nice relaxing nap.

Hurrah for biofuel!-We need smog to Go Green! Now boffins have invented biofuel, more land is needed to grow this precious crop. Getting rid of all that useless wheat and corn (who eats that stuff anyway?) only provides a fraction of land needed.

Fortunately, many countries have realized that by burning down all those land-hogging forests they can grow even more biofuel and help save the planet!

Unfortunately, burning involves blanketing entire regions in dense toxic fog for weeks on end. But it’s for the environment, right? And that can only be a good thing.

Thank goodness for smog! Without it world economies would collapse and we’d all have to walk to the shops – where they’d be nothing to buy anyway! Until we can keep modern society running on fresh air I guess we’ll have to do without it.



Norway - Where the wild hamsters roam.

Ahoy there my fellow cock pirates! Tiggy is going away for a little while. No, not the ‘orange jumpsuit and scrubbing toilets’ type vacation (can I point out all charges were dropped), but I have been invited by Tiggyblog fan Snorri Twotsson to Scandinavia! After reading my guide to Norway, Snorri challenged me to visit his wonderful country where he’s promised to “Teach me a lesson for insulting Norwegians.” I’m looking forward to learning cheeky Norwegian swear words and enjoy some bawdy banter with the locals! I hope he’ll take me on a wild hamster safari in the fjords too. What a lovely guy.

Now everyone play nicely and I’ll be back in June with even more stuff, things and all kinds of rubbish.

Ha det!