Everything Found In 'Work Is Stupid' Category

Cubicle Wars

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Office cubicle hell. It's like jail, only with more pay and less drugs.

Oh crap! Some dorky new intern has moved into the cubicle next to mine at work. He has a full view of my computer monitor and knows I’m surfing the internet all day instead of working. The little creep will probably rat on me to the boss before the day is out. I need to get rid of him. But how?

Hot Lunch: Instead of my usual bland sandwiches, I am going to start eating bean and jalapeno tacos, fiery samosas and raw herrings. I can use my desk fan to waft the eye-watering aroma straight towards the little twerp. And the effects of all this spicy food on my digestive system will be a bonus. This tactic worked well for my old apartment neighbours who would leave a pot of cabbage curry bubbling on the stove all day. Bastards.

My Friend Ratty: I must let my cubicle enemy know about the office rat. Watch out intern, he’s a vicious little bugger! I’ve seen him pissing on your keyboard once or twice (doesn’t rat piss make you go blind?) And then I shall clumsily drop taco crumbs all over the floor. Maybe I should invest in a real rat.

It’s Raining Spikes: Oh, I’m so clumsy! I’m always tripping over while carrying huge open boxes full of drawing pins. And that towering stack of paper leaning against the cubicle wall – whoops, there it falls! Sorry intern, are you all right under there? I hope I don’t stumble as I carry this large mug of boiling coffee.

Your boss isn't the only undead menace in your office!Ghost In the Machine: Hey intern, I heard your cubicle is haunted! The last guy who worked there was always complaining about flickering screens, catastrophic data losses and strange voices coming from the speakers. The IT department couldn’t work it out. Strange how the cops have never found that guy’s body…
I don’t know anything about hacking computers or causing electro-magnetic interference, but I’m sure I can inflict some damage with a screwdriver, a handful of drawing pins and a cup of rat piss.

Noisy Neighbour: There’s nothing more annoying than a stream of irritating noises coming from your cubicle neighbour. Maybe I should develop a hacking smoker’s cough, or a severe case of Tourette’s? Or maybe a more sinister noise like a creepy satanic chant? My weedy co-worker would flee in no time. Now, how does that Jihadi suicide attack prayer go?

My office now is a mess of sharp tacks, rotting herrings and rat piss. And the smarmy little fucker is still hard at work, oblivious to my spills, traps and random profane outbursts.

I quit!


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Greetings cards - say what you mean.You’re sat at your office desk, minding your business and pretending to work when the boss shoves a greetings card in your face. Some office monkey you don’t give a crap about is leaving/having a baby/had the sense to clear off and get another job. And now the whole damn company has to sign a tacky greetings card. By the time the card reaches you, it is already full of witty and clever remarks.

Stuck for something to write? Here’s a few ideas.

Get well soon! Honest!

Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.

If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.
Let me know about the desk.

You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.

Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!

Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!

Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!

Don’t
Be
Long-
Our
Office
Doesn’t feel the same without you!

Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!

You're Leaving? Oh, boo frikkin' hoo.

Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!

Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.

Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!

Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!
Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.

The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!
To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.

A baby! Ewww.

Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.

Congratulations! What colour is it?

Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.

Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.
I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.

I’m so happy for you! As you watched that bloody, mucus-covered being spurt forth from your wife’s hideously stretched vagina, it must have felt like the most special day ever. Isn’t childbirth a miracle?

Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.

Congratulations on your little miracle! I can’t have children, so I’ll never experience the joy of that first smile. Some people have all the luck! And some of us will face our old age forgotten and alone. Some couples breed like rabbits, while us barren rejects are left to suffer having baby pictures shoved in our faces and hearing the same frigging cute anecdotes again and again in a torturous reminder of how useless we are. Bastards.

Every salesman's wet dream.

I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.

OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!
Seriously, let me know.

God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!

I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.
Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.

Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big blue eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.
I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?
XXX
John

Now when that office card drops on your desk, you’ll never be stuck for a comment again!

(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)


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Going to work can be fun.

In my quest to find gainful employment, I’m trying out some new career options. The bar work and animal stuffing jobs didn’t go so well. I need something more glamourous and exciting…

3. Erotica Shop
If I’m going to work in a shop, it might as well sell interesting stuff. So what better than a XXX adults-only sex shop? At least it won’t be full of schoolchildren and old ladies muttering about arthritis. And a 10% employee discount on all leather goods!

However, my day at Sticky Ricky’s Love Emporium wasn’t all fun and Vaseline…

Hands off, that leather corset is mine!– Customers don’t tend to be hunky young men needing help in the fitting room.

– Don’t ask “Can I help you, Sir?” to an obviously amateur transvestite.

– Using the PA system to announce “We’re rolling back prices on cock rings!” is not appropriate.

– Employees only get a 5% discount. Dammit!

4. Movie Extra
I was always destined for acting greatness. Ever since my well-received performance as sheep #3 in the school nativity, I knew my acting talents should be developed. Unfortunately my fake Actors’ Union membership card fooled no-one, but I managed to get work as an extra. Things I learned…

There's me! Over on the left! There!– Getting a part as a murder victim in CSI is not much fun. Unless you enjoy spending 14 hours covered in blood locked a packing trunk.

The director didn’t actually use me; he just locked me in a packing trunk all day.

– Do not accept any work for movies about high seas, mountain rescues or being trapped at the top of blazing roller coasters.

– The director does not need ‘in-the-field’ assistance and criticism from you, the 19th pedestrian on the left. Unless you want to go back in the packing trunk again.

– You will spend most of the day huddled in the corner of a muddy field with your fellow extras, while the cast and crew laugh at you from their cozy trailers. The lead actors will pass the time by playing ‘Extras Skittles’ with oranges and small rocks.

So much for my dream job! Sitting in a warm office drinking coffee and breaking wind all day doesn’t seem like such a bad deal after all.
And on the bright side, I still have my Sticky Ricky’s Dirty Discounts card…

2 for 1 deal on all leather thongs over at Humor Blogs


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Farewell crappy office job, hello adventure! I hope.

You know you’re bored at work when you spend the day stapling your hair to the desk for something to do. It’s time to leave when you start breaking wind just to annoy your fellow office workers.

But no more tedious office jobs for me! My future career is going to be exciting and rewarding with lots of free lunches and things to steal. Hmm, let me see…

1. Bar Manager

This sounds like a dream job! Late nights, free booze and cheery customers bloating their livers while swelling my coffers. A friend with a bar let me shadow him for the evening. I learned a few things.

Where in the Canadian Labour Code does it state the barmen have to be dressed?– Testing the liquor optics by sucking on them is not correct procedure.

– A rude and obnoxious diner is not to be advised that Tonight’s Special is Pan-Fried Fuck Off.

– ‘A round of drinks’ does not automatically include one for the bar manager.

– You will spend 85% of your time doing the accounts, 10% cleaning vomit from the ladies’ washroom and 10% re-doing the accounts because the numbers don’t add up.

Running a bar sucks! I know which side of the counter I’ll be staying in future.

2. Working with Animals
Apart from cats, I love all animals and they love me too. I would make a great Zoo keeper (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or racehorse breeder (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or veterinarian (apart from the poop, puke and fleas… ok, I’m not doing that).

There’s no better way to get to know animals inside out than a job at Bob’s Taxidermy! It’s like a petting zoo for bears, moose and ducks. Although the day did not go so well…

Well, I thought I'd captured the essence of poor Duke quite nicely.– No poop. But I’d forgotten about the blood, entrails and brains.

– Don’t poke a dead moose with a broom handle. Stuff will seep out.

– Offering to stuff Trapper Joe’s wife when she drops dead is not considered good customer service. Even if you offer a discount.

– Buckshot is difficult to extract from your own bum cheeks. Trapper Joe has a good shot.

Next time! Tiggy goes X-rated at an adult store and suffers on a movie set! Again!


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