Dog’s Dinner Inspector - If you can’t afford your faithful hound’s pet food, simply dress him up in snazzy police dog garb and head down to LolPets R Us with a warrant to search for poisonous fake dog food! Send Fido on a mission to selflessly test as many bags of Chick’n Chow and meaty bones he can snuffle out. Good boy! If you only have a hamster or goldfish, this scam could be tricky.

Special Sausage Squad - Avert a public health disaster on sunny weekend afternoons by seizing “defective” meat products from your local store. Heroically swipe tainted steaks and BBQ sausages before they are consumed by innocent partygoers! Rush them back to the Police HQ Forensic Lab (conveniently located on your garden patio) for immediate basting, I mean testing.

Nuclear Contamination Inspector - Left shopping for your kids’ Christmas presents to the last minute? Disperse those gift-grabbing shoppers and make sure you get that Transformo-Zomboid or Teeny Slut doll! Simply issue a warrant to search the toy store for weapons grade uranium. Of course that’s where Saddam was hiding his weapons of mass destruction - he was sneaky that way!

Infectious Disease Inspector - Eww! Don’t want to touch that gym equipment after those sweaty musclemen have been perspiring all over it? Simply present your fake inspector’s card and declare that a patient from the Gross Tropical Diseases Clinic has collapsed on the treadmill - looks like contagious Nantucket Jungle Fever! The whole gym will have to be scrubbed down with disinfectant. And the young ladies in the yoga class will have to remove their clothing for incineration. Immediately.

Store clerks - be on your guard for fake inspectors and pretend police! The next time an inspector in a white radiation protection suit or armed SWAT team burst through the door, simply ask them to leave! They’re probably only after free cakes or something. And those guys with the pretend cop cars and guns demanding you “put down the beer and pull over to the kerb…” yeah, right…

The Age Verification Unit is recruiting over at Humor-Blogs.com

Work Is Stupid | 15 Comments »

Damn this blank page! I need to fill it with witty comments and interesting observations for Tiggyblog, but after four hours all I’ve done is write my name at the top. And I spelled that wrong.
Writer’s block is frustrating, especially if your life is dull and devoid of inspiration. How can you generate great ideas for that overdue article or blog? I’ve thought up some useful tips to help you fill that page in no time.

1. Go for a walk. Running away from your empty page is a good start. Hopefully you will be inspired by something on your walk. Or get hit by a car. This will give you plenty to write about as you recover in hospital.

2. Get high. It works for rock stars, it could work for you. Roll a fat one, sit back and wait for inspiration. The disadvantage being anything you’ve written down is unintelligible when you recover. Get high again and it all makes perfect sense. Come back down and it’s scribble again. This technique may take some practice.

3. Cut up the Dictionary and draw words out of a hat. Arrange the words on the page. Problem solved.

4. Become a movie reviewer. You will never have to think up an original idea again. Make a list of stock phrases such as “Touching portrayal”, “More profanity than plot” and “Don’t waste your money” and cut and paste as required. You don’t even need to watch the movie, just look at the promotional poster and draw your own conclusions.

5. Think in the third person. Imagine yourself as someone else and look at the world through their eyes. You could write a topical blog from the perspective of a brown Peruvian Alpaca (or whatever colour you prefer). I’m sure they have opinions on global oil prices. Combine with tip #2 for further inspiration.

6. Set a target. Aim for no more than 2 words a day - they have to be really good words though. By the end of the week you’ll have a sentence. It’s a start.

7. Pay someone to write for you. Writers are cheap and can often be bought with alcohol and smokes. Let them suffer writer’s block on your behalf.

8. Join an interesting local group. An extremist right-wing religious sect or suicide cult preparing for Armageddon would be perfect - if you get out alive just think of the stories you could tell! And they’d all be dead so they couldn’t sue you.

9. Get yourself arrested. This could be easily arranged in combination with tip #2, or you could go for an ecological slant by chaining yourself to a tree. Or better still, a logger. Don’t forget to take your notebook to jail.

10. Accept the fact your creativity is spent and your writing career is over. You will need to get yourself a real job.

Follow these handy tips and your creative juices will be flowing all over the place, earning you enough money to keep on writing and pay for all those drug fines. Now grab your pen and blog off.

Work Is Stupid | 10 Comments »

Are you stressed out, under pressure and short of time at work? Or are there days when your ‘In’ tray stays empty and the hours drag on until home time?

You’re not being lazy - there is nothing to do. Not even dull stuff. How can you look busy and avoid being labelled a slacker by your boss? I’ve come up with a few tips to help you waste time while looking productive.

Paper Mountains - The must-have desk accessory for those toil-free days. Scatter files, letters and other meaningless junk across your desk. Make your own paper mountains by rescuing items from the recycle bin or photocopying old reports. Shuffle, staple and hole-punch these paper props whenever the boss walks by.

Internet - The timewaster’s best friend. If co-workers can see your monitor, hide your browser behind an Excel spreadsheet so you can toggle between the two to avoid suspicion. Look slightly pained as you surf - you are not poking your friend on Facebook, you are working out a very complicated equation.

Phone Calls - Mask personal calls as business conversations. Tell your friends to ask questions you can only answer with a yes or no. Using your best business voice, respond “Yes…yes. No.” in a professional manner, throwing in random comments about sales figures. You can chat away to your buddies and look productive at the same time.

Write A Novel - Always keep a notebook on your desk. Look busy by writing stories, shopping lists and badly composed haikus. What the hell do you think I’m doing now?

Have a Stroll - Don’t wander about aimlessly, but take a random document from your paper mountain and march around the office pretending to look for someone. Make sure they’re out - you don’t want to run into them and have to explain why you’re bringing them a stationary invoice from 1987. If your workplace is expansive you can walk around for hours. If not, have a walk around the company next door.

Caffeine - Waste valuable time at the coffee machine as you ponder the brew selections and stuff sugar packets into your pockets. Work in several trips to the water cooler and you’re well on your way to 5pm. Think of the extra time you’ll waste rushing to the washroom after all that fluid.

Meetings - Use these communal time wasting sessions to your advantage. Arrive early and scribble furiously in your notebook during the meeting (obviously you will be writing your novel, not taking notes). Ask the speaker lots of questions at the end to avoid returning to your desk - you’re doing them a favour by wasting their time too.

Desk Games - Who has the stupidest name in the phone book? How many paperclips can you stack? If you take your mouse apart, will it work when you put it back together?

Start Smoking - How come nicotine addicts can slope off and indulge their habit whenever they like? If drinkers and stoners were afforded the same privilege, time wasting would be much easier (and hazier). If you don’t want to start smoking, just go outside anyway and tell your fellow smokers you’re on the patch but can’t shake the smoke break ritual.

Get Another Job - If you spend every day making paperclip towers, wandering the corridors looking for invisible people and hiding in the washroom, it’s time to quit. Your employers are wasting your valuable time.

Life is too short to be doing a non-job, unless you really enjoy spending your day doing nothing useful. In which case you should have followed your parents’ advice and become a lawyer.

Work Is Stupid | 3 Comments »