Hurrah for Haliwood, duh duh duh duh, hurrah for Haliwood...

Canada’s top humour blogger is appearing in a movie. And in case she doesn’t turn up, Tiggy is there too. Read all about her preparation in Part 1.

Part 2 – Performance

No! Not the face!There must have been something wrong with that mineral water I had flown in from the French Alps. A few days before shooting, disaster happened.

NASA scientists were just about to hold a press conference announcing they’d discovered an amazing red giant star, but then realized they’d been pointing their telescope at the HUGE FUCKING RED LUMP on my face. Noooo!

Three tubes of ointment and several panic attacks later, the crimson globe subsided. Phew.

A phone call from the casting office brought the next disaster. My call-up time (that’s showbiz speak for “Be on set looking good, or else”) was 5:30… in the morning. I had no idea such a time existed.

That night I woke up at midnight, 2am and 3am. I was too terrified to sleep. By the time I got up, I looked like I’d spent the night being beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. If this movie required a zombie character, my luck was in.

I groggily attempted to apply my makeup (and we know how ineffective that is) but to no avail. I decided that until I woke up, I would stand as far away as I could from the camera. Like in another building or something.

It was going to be a long morning in makeup.So there I was on set at the crack of dawn, grumpy and blotchy. The cast and crew fiddled with cables and checked their scripts. The shiny camera lens glinted menacingly at me from the gloom. I don’t like having my picture taken at the best of times, so what the hell was I doing here?

Before I had a chance to flee, a production assistant grabbed me and waved me towards the set. It was time for my performance! Oh bugger.

My big scene took place in a smart office building. I was told to look busy and do something very businesslike and important. This was going to take every last drop of my acting skills. I wished I’d taken more notice of my drama teacher at school. Shouldn’t I have lurked around offices shadowing important executives in preparation for my role? What was my motivation? When was lunch? I felt my makeup begin to dribble down my perspiring face. Oh bugger. But I couldn’t let the director down!

“Cameras… Take 1… Rolling… BACKGROUND!

That was my cue. I wobbled awkwardly towards the camera, trying not to trip over the lead actor as he swept across my path. I fumbled and clattered and sweated my way through the scene.

“CUT!” shouted the director. Hurrah! I’d done it! I had acted in a movie! Can I go home now?

“Take 2…. Rolling…”

Again? That take was perfect! Oh well, maybe one more time…

Cut! Reset! Take 3…”

Time passed.

“Take 19… Rolling… BACKGROUND!

By now I was really getting into the swing of things. I don’t know if it was due to severe dehydration or overconfidence, but as I got to know my character during those long hours of filming, I began to understand her.

How I, I mean Princess, looked in my mind. The reality was sadly very differentShe wasn’t just some office nobody. I decided she was worth more than that, so I promoted her to Assistant Manager. I think I would call her Princess. I’m not sure why, but the set lights were making me feel rather dizzy.

Princess was a high-powered executive who knew what she wanted and knew how to get it. She had just signed a multi-million-dollar deal with MegaCorp Holdings and was on her way to bust some balls in the Boardroom.

But not before she’d flirted with that hunky security guard across the corridor. And now she was going to file this paperwork in a really foxy manner. Oh yeahh….

CUT! Erm, could the girl with the red hair please go to makeup? You seem to have carbon copy ink all over your face.”

Oh bugger.

Anyway, I’m not allowed to reveal the movie plot, so I won’t tell you all about the next scenes where I battled a terrifying invasion of mutant starlings, filmed a steamy washroom scene with the hunky security guard and was then beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. The action never stopped. This movie is going to be a sure-fire hit!

So when the movie hits your local theatre, look out for a pasty ginger girl falling over a filing cabinet. That’s Tiggy!

Thanks to Mike Clattenburg and the boys for letting me stumble around their movie set for the weekend. (I’m sure you can edit those bits out later).

 

There’s a star-studded lineup of Drama Queens over at Humor-Blogs.com

 


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15 Responses to “Tiggy, Movie Star – The Performance”

Congrats on that sizzling debut, Tiggy. The Oscar for best background performance– the, er, Backie– is yours. 🙂

Now that is HUMOR writing! Loved it.

OMG, you’re going to be famous! Promise to remember us little people as you accept the BAFTA?

Clattenburg!?! OMG Tiggy, you really are hanging out with the stars in sunny Halifax!!

Sweet. Did you do the old George Carlin bit and lyp synch “I hope all you f’in lip synchers are reading this…”? ha ha Oh, and can I borrow your admin for awhile? I have some…errr..filing

Awesome! I can’t wait to find out what movie it is! And even though it may star say, Christian Slater whom I detest!!, I’ll go see it and buy copies so you can get your cut.

Princess you can be my boss any day!

I was an extra on a TV program once, unfortunatly its called Crime Watch……

HA! So it was a greasy porno! Seriously, that sounds like lots of fun, and I’m sure you will be singled out for your role as Princess, the inky assistant office manager with a heart of gold.

Just be sure your next role is different. You wouldn’t want to be typecast as that will prevent you from those leading lady roles you deserve. Or, of course, that choice one as kind hearted hooker number 3.

I truly wish you all the best.

Jenn: Many thanks! A ‘Backie’… are you sure that’s right…?

Bill: Cheers! I gave up sensible writing a long time ago.

Margaret: Assuming I ever win anything, I shall send a video acceptance speech. It’s a lot safer.

Jeff: It’s the cross I have to bear.

VE: Great idea! A sure-fire way to end up on the cutting room floor, but anyway…

Bee: I can assure you, Christian Slater is not in it. We have our own hottie movie stars up here, don’t need those poncy Hollywood types!

RLD: I’ll be right there! Just put away the carbon copy paper?

JD: Well JD, there was nudity. And violence. And lots of swearing. But apart from that it was quite tame!

Joe: Well here’s the funny thing! ‘Princess’ has just finished shooting a movie with a very famous Hollywood star (who has a very famous moustache).
I mean, I was in the background again, but hey, girl’s gotta make a living!

Congrats! At least you have a chance of being recognized unlike my friend who is a SWAT team extra.

But then, he does get to play with guns.

Tiggy,
Girl, you tickle me! I love the part bout, “..you seem to have carbon all over your face..” Gawd, who hadn’t been there? Thanks for lettin’ me live vikaarious through you.
Eve

[…] Tiggy, Movie Star – The Performance […]

Huzzah for Tiggy!

I shall be glued to the screen, keeping an eye out for you m’dear!

I may even deploy both eyes, just to be sure.

[…] a famous movie star (well, in my street anyway). My movie extra career has taken off since my recent movie appearance as “Princess” the pasty redhead executive. The back of my head is featuring in Tom […]

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