Tag: acting

Tiggy’s Thought for the Day – Dead Sexy

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Dead is not sexy.Is it wrong to imagine having sex with a dead person? And I don’t mean that in the way you’re thinking. Do you ever watch an old movie, and begin to lust over the hot lead actor/actress? “Woah, that guy is hot! I’d definitely hit that!” Then you realize that this actor is now 90 years old, incontinent and senile. And your lust buzz dies a little. Or even worse, the actor is dead! He is now little more than a hot skeleton. Kinda takes the edge off it a bit.

Do you ever watch a stand-up comedy routine on TV, by a comedian who has since died? Do you feel a bit guilty when you laugh? The guy is funny, but he’s dead. He’s rotting away somewhere in a casket, yet there he is, cracking funnies and full of life. Your humour buzz dies a little. You feel mean for laughing at a dead guy.

Then the comedian makes a joke about… death. And it wouldn’t matter if it was the funniest joke in the world, all you can think is “Oh, it’s so ironic! He’s dead, and he’s joking about being dead, but now he is dead, and it’s so sad…” and you feel time slipping away and you realize the whole transient nature of the universe and that we are only here for a short time and you’re going to die and you wish you’d watched the news instead.

If the dead comedian was also hot, then you’re really in trouble.


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Tiggy’s New Job – Part Two

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Going to work can be fun.

In my quest to find gainful employment, I’m trying out some new career options. The bar work and animal stuffing jobs didn’t go so well. I need something more glamourous and exciting…

3. Erotica Shop
If I’m going to work in a shop, it might as well sell interesting stuff. So what better than a XXX adults-only sex shop? At least it won’t be full of schoolchildren and old ladies muttering about arthritis. And a 10% employee discount on all leather goods!

However, my day at Sticky Ricky’s Love Emporium wasn’t all fun and Vaseline…

Hands off, that leather corset is mine!– Customers don’t tend to be hunky young men needing help in the fitting room.

– Don’t ask “Can I help you, Sir?” to an obviously amateur transvestite.

– Using the PA system to announce “We’re rolling back prices on cock rings!” is not appropriate.

– Employees only get a 5% discount. Dammit!

4. Movie Extra
I was always destined for acting greatness. Ever since my well-received performance as sheep #3 in the school nativity, I knew my acting talents should be developed. Unfortunately my fake Actors’ Union membership card fooled no-one, but I managed to get work as an extra. Things I learned…

There's me! Over on the left! There!– Getting a part as a murder victim in CSI is not much fun. Unless you enjoy spending 14 hours covered in blood locked a packing trunk.

The director didn’t actually use me; he just locked me in a packing trunk all day.

– Do not accept any work for movies about high seas, mountain rescues or being trapped at the top of blazing roller coasters.

– The director does not need ‘in-the-field’ assistance and criticism from you, the 19th pedestrian on the left. Unless you want to go back in the packing trunk again.

– You will spend most of the day huddled in the corner of a muddy field with your fellow extras, while the cast and crew laugh at you from their cozy trailers. The lead actors will pass the time by playing ‘Extras Skittles’ with oranges and small rocks.

So much for my dream job! Sitting in a warm office drinking coffee and breaking wind all day doesn’t seem like such a bad deal after all.
And on the bright side, I still have my Sticky Ricky’s Dirty Discounts card…

2 for 1 deal on all leather thongs over at Humor Blogs


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Tiggy Gets Tagged – Six Of The Best

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The last time I played tag I was seven and ended up losing two teeth. Happily, Sandie over at the delectable Quirky Musings of a Loony Mama has decided I’m “It” and has tagged me without using violence or stealing my lunch money. She has decreed that I must reveal six facts about myself. And I can’t make things up like I normally do.

1. The music of Beethoven makes me nervous. I used to play the cello when I was a kid. The huge instrument was odd choice for a tiny tot like myself; when my music teacher asked the class if anyone wanted to learn the cello I just said yes. I had no idea what a cello was. I assumed it was a tiny flute or something.

Damn you Beethoven, and your epic symphonies!I joined a youth orchestra and spent my weekends playing concerts in musty town halls. The highlight of our season was the Christmas Gala performance at the swanky city concert hall.
On the night of the great performance, our conductor greeted the packed hall and announced that the first treat of the evening was Beethoven’s 3rd Symphony.

Beethoven’s WHAT? I’d never heard of it! I had been off for a week with flu; the bastards must have practiced it while I was away. I glanced at my fellow musicians who were calmly putting their music scores on the stands. I didn’t even have a copy!

I had to spend the next hour miming to Beethoven in front of 5,000 people.

2. I don’t have a favourite day of the week. They all kinda suck in their own way.

I only found out later they have an elevator.3. I don’t like heights. My worst vertigo nightmare was at the Sagrada Familia church in Barcelona. I’d bravely decided to climb the stairs of the spire, but ten steps up the narrow spiral staircase I decided I’d seen quite enough. Unfortunately a group of German tourists suddenly pushed their way behind me; there was no chance of escape. The only way was up, up, up, up…

The only way out of that cursed church was to cross the tiny bridge between the two spires (which I estimated was at 15,000ft) and descend the staircase of the other tower. Shaking and sweating for over an hour, I finally clambered my way to the bottom of the staircase. Freedom!

But the door at the bottom of the staircase was LOCKED!

A chubby German tourist grabbed my arm and chirped “Nein, ve cannot get out zees way! Ve must go back the vay ve came!” and dragged me all the way back up.

Mental note: next time, wear glasses.4. I can’t drive. No, that’s not true. I can drive, just not in a way that is acceptable to everyone else on the road. I like to travel at 100 miles an hour everywhere, especially in school zones (the kids think it’s cool). I ease into tight parking spots by nudging other cars out the way. I often forget I am supposed to wear my glasses until halfway through the trip. I like slamming on the brakes and making the tires squeal, especially in school zones.

5. I’m a famous movie star (well, in my street anyway). My movie extra career has taken off since my recent movie appearance as “Princess” the pasty redhead executive. The back of my head is featuring in Tom Selleck’s latest flick, and last week I played an East Indian refugee (I had to spend quite a long time in makeup for that role). I’m very versatile. And more importantly, I’m very cheap.

6. My first ever word was “bap”. I was trying to say “The cat keeps sitting on my face” but it just wasn’t coming out right.

Well, that’s my six totally-not-made-up facts. According to the rules of the game, I’m supposed to tag six more blogs. Unfortunately, since I’m the second-to-last person in the world to get tagged, everyone else has had a go.

So stuff the rules, folks! If you fancy posting your own ‘Six Amazing Facts’ on your own blog, website or even works notice board, here’s your invitation! Send me your link and I’ll feature you or send you a cake or something. It will probably be a feature rather than a cake. But you never know.


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Tiggy, Movie Star – The Performance

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Hurrah for Haliwood, duh duh duh duh, hurrah for Haliwood...

Canada’s top humour blogger is appearing in a movie. And in case she doesn’t turn up, Tiggy is there too. Read all about her preparation in Part 1.

Part 2 – Performance

No! Not the face!There must have been something wrong with that mineral water I had flown in from the French Alps. A few days before shooting, disaster happened.

NASA scientists were just about to hold a press conference announcing they’d discovered an amazing red giant star, but then realized they’d been pointing their telescope at the HUGE FUCKING RED LUMP on my face. Noooo!

Three tubes of ointment and several panic attacks later, the crimson globe subsided. Phew.

A phone call from the casting office brought the next disaster. My call-up time (that’s showbiz speak for “Be on set looking good, or else”) was 5:30… in the morning. I had no idea such a time existed.

That night I woke up at midnight, 2am and 3am. I was too terrified to sleep. By the time I got up, I looked like I’d spent the night being beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. If this movie required a zombie character, my luck was in.

I groggily attempted to apply my makeup (and we know how ineffective that is) but to no avail. I decided that until I woke up, I would stand as far away as I could from the camera. Like in another building or something.

It was going to be a long morning in makeup.So there I was on set at the crack of dawn, grumpy and blotchy. The cast and crew fiddled with cables and checked their scripts. The shiny camera lens glinted menacingly at me from the gloom. I don’t like having my picture taken at the best of times, so what the hell was I doing here?

Before I had a chance to flee, a production assistant grabbed me and waved me towards the set. It was time for my performance! Oh bugger.

My big scene took place in a smart office building. I was told to look busy and do something very businesslike and important. This was going to take every last drop of my acting skills. I wished I’d taken more notice of my drama teacher at school. Shouldn’t I have lurked around offices shadowing important executives in preparation for my role? What was my motivation? When was lunch? I felt my makeup begin to dribble down my perspiring face. Oh bugger. But I couldn’t let the director down!

“Cameras… Take 1… Rolling… BACKGROUND!”

That was my cue. I wobbled awkwardly towards the camera, trying not to trip over the lead actor as he swept across my path. I fumbled and clattered and sweated my way through the scene.

“CUT!” shouted the director. Hurrah! I’d done it! I had acted in a movie! Can I go home now?

“Take 2…. Rolling…”

Again? That take was perfect! Oh well, maybe one more time…

“Cut! Reset! Take 3…”

Time passed.

“Take 19… Rolling… BACKGROUND!“

By now I was really getting into the swing of things. I don’t know if it was due to severe dehydration or overconfidence, but as I got to know my character during those long hours of filming, I began to understand her.

How I, I mean Princess, looked in my mind. The reality was sadly very differentShe wasn’t just some office nobody. I decided she was worth more than that, so I promoted her to Assistant Manager. I think I would call her Princess. I’m not sure why, but the set lights were making me feel rather dizzy.

Princess was a high-powered executive who knew what she wanted and knew how to get it. She had just signed a multi-million-dollar deal with MegaCorp Holdings and was on her way to bust some balls in the Boardroom.

But not before she’d flirted with that hunky security guard across the corridor. And now she was going to file this paperwork in a really foxy manner. Oh yeahh….

“CUT! Erm, could the girl with the red hair please go to makeup? You seem to have carbon copy ink all over your face.”

Oh bugger.

Anyway, I’m not allowed to reveal the movie plot, so I won’t tell you all about the next scenes where I battled a terrifying invasion of mutant starlings, filmed a steamy washroom scene with the hunky security guard and was then beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. The action never stopped. This movie is going to be a sure-fire hit!

So when the movie hits your local theatre, look out for a pasty ginger girl falling over a filing cabinet. That’s Tiggy!

Thanks to Mike Clattenburg and the boys for letting me stumble around their movie set for the weekend. (I’m sure you can edit those bits out later).

 

There’s a star-studded lineup of Drama Queens over at Humor-Blogs.com

 


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