Tiggy’s Beauty Secrets
I take ten minutes to put on my make up. Five minutes to apply, then five minutes to take it off again as I usually look worse than when I started. My bathroom cabinet contains more chemicals than a crystal meth lab.
I’ve tried every overpriced beauty product on the market and still look like a bag of spanners. I cannot buy beauty at the drugstore, so I’ve come up with some cheaper alternatives.
· Try some old-fashioned home remedies. Drinking apple cider vinegar is supposed to be great for the complexion. I couldn’t remember whether I was supposed to consume one teaspoon or one litre a day, so I tried both. It’s one teaspoon.
· Drink eight glasses of water a day to keep your body hydrated. Improve the taste with a dash of lemon, fruit juice or white rum.
· Consume at least five portions of fruit or vegetables a day. I’ve discovered a cocktail at my local bar that contains both orange and grapefruit juice, so three of those and I’ve done it. The fruit juice counteracts the negative impact of the alcohol. Probably.
· Get as much sleep as you can. Three fruit cocktails send me to sleep for hours, so I can kill two birds with one stone.
· Make cheap facial masks using ingredients from your fridge. A mask made with beaten egg, maple syrup and cheese whiz gives my face a nice orangey glow.
· Cigarettes are bad for your complexion, so avoid them. The beauty magazines don’t mention avoiding water bongs however, so I think we’re okay with those.
· Moisturizer is essentially grease in a fancy pot, so use leftover cooking oil to keep your skin shiny and soft (remove crumbs and chicken finger fragments before use). And recycling your oil instead of pouring it down your neighbour’s drain is more eco-friendly.
· Yoga. Apparently sitting on one arse cheek with your arm in the air for two hours is good for your body and mind. Combine this with watching TV or playing video games and you’ll be looking good in no time. You must wear a leotard while doing it otherwise it won’t work.
If you follow this advice and still look hideous, remove the mirrors from your house and shut your eyes when walking past anything reflective.
I find this technique works wonders.
14 thoughts on “Tiggy’s Beauty Secrets”
I heartily agree with your advice. I make my own soaps, bubblebath and facials. I’ve also practiced yoga for over 20 years. And I’m into aromatherapy too.
Here’s an excerpt from another blog of mine that you may find useful.
Moisturize your skin using Aromatic Facial Oil, which contains a host of soothing ingredients to add moisture and nutrients to your skin.
For dry skin: apply olive oil or sweet almond oil. To seal in the moisture, be sure to apply the oil while skin remains damp from applying the toner. Gently apply the oil to your face and neck using patting motions.
For oily areas of skin, one application of oil should suffice. Apply twice to dry areas of skin, waiting about 2-3 minutes between applications, and being sure to moisten the skin slightly with water or toner before the second application.
Aromatic Facial Oil
* 3 tablespoons jojoba oil
* 3 tablespoons rose hips seed oil (or 3 tbsp. hazelnut oil for oily skin)
* 2 drops rose essential oil
* 3 drops lavender essential oil
* 2 drops geranium essential oil
* 2 drops palmarosa essential oil
1. In a glass bowl or dish, combine oils with essential oils.
2. Stir with a clean pop sickle stick or plastic utensil to combine.
3. Pour into a clean bottle, preferably one with a medicine dropper so you can apply the oil using the dropper.
4. After cleansing and toning, and while skin remains a bit damp, apply a bit of the moisturizer using gentle patting motions.
5. Do not rub the oil into the skin. Instead, just gently pat it onto the skin and it will absorb readily within a few minutes.
I hope you try this and let me know what you think.
I think the water in the bong counts as hydrating moisturizer and negates any effect from skin cell-damaging smoke. So you’re good there, for sure.
I swear by WD-40. It prevents chapping and squeaking too!!
Timethief, that sounds very relaxing and refreshing. I don’t have any jojoba oil, would Canola suffice?
I’m thinking a bong/WD40 moisturizing routine would be perfect for my sensitive pasty skin. I shall visit my local herbalist and the nice gentlemen at Mr Lube for ingredients.
You’re so funny! It takes me half an hour to apply my makeup and I wouldn’t dream of taking it off after I’m done. As pathetic as I look with it, I look LOTS WORSE without it … trust me.
LOL @ My bathroom cabinet contains more chemicals than a crystal meth lab…
Mine too.. but I won’t be caught without my makeup outside my house… trust me…it ain’t gonna happen 😀
Ladies, I followed your advice and slapped on make up before heading out to my local Sobeys superstore.
I caught sight of myself in the reflection of the fish counter – I looked like a mutant clown with crab sticks. Never again!
Great post…enjoyed it!!!
dawn: just wanted to say I wore makeup, since I was probably around 14…I’m now 54…vowed never to be caught outside my house without it “EVER” but I haven’t been able to wear anything but lipstick for 5 years now due to allergies…:0) H
This is my first visit to your blog – you are hilarious! Love you’re tips. I’ll be back for more.
Thanks Lisa Lisa! There’s a lot more rubbish where that came from, for sure.
I’ve read your blog for the first time and It’s a hoot.I had a real belly laugh over it.I’ll be back.
That’s been considered as the most fast time to apply make up. I even need about 2-3 hours before getting done with everything that I need to have. Your tips is the quickest way to get done with make up and I guess need to have to effectively reduce my time facing the mirror and even avoid rushing things just to be on time on work.