Canada’s top humour blogger is appearing in a movie. And in case she doesn’t turn up, Tiggy is there too.
Part 1 – Preparation
It’s not the first time I’ve been in front of the cameras. I’ve accidentally wandered onto many movie sets and live news reports, usually resulting in scuffles and clapperboards being thrown in my direction. But this time is different – I’m going to act in a movie!
I’m so excited. I’m very honoured to be working with such fine people. I’m sure the cast and crew will be pleased to work with me too! Hopefully they’ve forgotten all about me being thrown out of their last movie premiere party.
This time, persistence has paid off. I got a call from the casting office to say for fuck’s sake Tiggy, stop spamming us with e-mails, we’ve got your bloody name on the list. We’ll let you know when to turn up on set.
This is going to be awesome!
I must point out, dear readers, that my role is as yet unknown. By that I mean I’m a background cast member. By that I mean I don’t have any lines. OK, I’m an extra. But they’re important too! They perform a vital role as crowds and miscellaneous pedestrians. And like all good actors, I need to prepare.
The biggest challenge facing us extras, I mean, background actors, is to understand our purpose. We are the random faces in the crowd and the mysterious unknown characters behind the stars. We give the movie depth and substance.
If a movie is like a trifle, the main cast is like the custard and cream. And the background cast is the undercurrent of jelly gently supporting them (not just currant jelly – any sort of jelly really).
The custard and cream are the best bits, but you can’t have trifle without jelly. And I guess that makes the crew the sponge fingers? Um.
Anyway, I’m going to abandon this trifle analogy and just reiterate that extras are very important.
As well as mentally prepare, I have to be in peak physical condition. My rigorous detox program, low-fat diet and calisthenics workouts lasted all of two days, so for now I’m just cutting back on cheese. I will consume my weekly ration of cocktails at the weekend cast parties. Weekend cast parties! And they can’t throw me out this time!
I also have an excuse to spend $$$ on fancy hair cuts, make-up and manicures. I am beginning to understand the pressure a movie star must feel to look good all the time. Suppose the director shoots a scene with my feet in it? My toenails have to be perfect and nicely painted, just in case.
And I can’t drink anything other than French mineral water – I have to think about my complexion you know! And I’m hoping I get a nice trailer, I need space to prepare.
Oh, I feel actor’s burnout coming on. I’m off to borrow some prescription drugs and visit my masseuse…
Will Tiggy make it to the set without going off the rails? What role has the director got in store for her? Is she sure she hasn’t been duped into making some greasy porno? Will she get a nice trailer? Find out in Part Two!
Their casting couch is beckoning over at Humor-Blogs.com