Tiggy, Movie Star (No, really! Tiggy’s in a movie!)
Canada’s top humour blogger is appearing in a movie. And in case she doesn’t turn up, Tiggy is there too.
Part 1 – Preparation
It’s not the first time I’ve been in front of the cameras. I’ve accidentally wandered onto many movie sets and live news reports, usually resulting in scuffles and clapperboards being thrown in my direction. But this time is different – I’m going to act in a movie!
I’m so excited. I’m very honoured to be working with such fine people. I’m sure the cast and crew will be pleased to work with me too! Hopefully they’ve forgotten all about me being thrown out of their last movie premiere party.
This time, persistence has paid off. I got a call from the casting office to say for fuck’s sake Tiggy, stop spamming us with e-mails, we’ve got your bloody name on the list. We’ll let you know when to turn up on set.
This is going to be awesome!
I must point out, dear readers, that my role is as yet unknown. By that I mean I’m a background cast member. By that I mean I don’t have any lines. OK, I’m an extra. But they’re important too! They perform a vital role as crowds and miscellaneous pedestrians. And like all good actors, I need to prepare.
The biggest challenge facing us extras, I mean, background actors, is to understand our purpose. We are the random faces in the crowd and the mysterious unknown characters behind the stars. We give the movie depth and substance.
If a movie is like a trifle, the main cast is like the custard and cream. And the background cast is the undercurrent of jelly gently supporting them (not just currant jelly – any sort of jelly really).
The custard and cream are the best bits, but you can’t have trifle without jelly. And I guess that makes the crew the sponge fingers? Um.
Anyway, I’m going to abandon this trifle analogy and just reiterate that extras are very important.
As well as mentally prepare, I have to be in peak physical condition. My rigorous detox program, low-fat diet and calisthenics workouts lasted all of two days, so for now I’m just cutting back on cheese. I will consume my weekly ration of cocktails at the weekend cast parties. Weekend cast parties! And they can’t throw me out this time!
I also have an excuse to spend $$$ on fancy hair cuts, make-up and manicures. I am beginning to understand the pressure a movie star must feel to look good all the time. Suppose the director shoots a scene with my feet in it? My toenails have to be perfect and nicely painted, just in case.
And I can’t drink anything other than French mineral water – I have to think about my complexion you know! And I’m hoping I get a nice trailer, I need space to prepare.
Oh, I feel actor’s burnout coming on. I’m off to borrow some prescription drugs and visit my masseuse…
Will Tiggy make it to the set without going off the rails? What role has the director got in store for her? Is she sure she hasn’t been duped into making some greasy porno? Will she get a nice trailer? Find out in Part Two!
Their casting couch is beckoning over at Humor-Blogs.com
Hilarious Tiggy! I’ve no doubt your influence on the movie set will be in keeping with your talent and abilities. LOL Stumbling this cause I’m still laughing!
Budding actress huh? Don’t give up the day job I here, and don’t forget us little people. Don’t forget the free 30 days visits to a luxurious rehab…
Your trifle comparison has totally explained it to me now, thanks! Mmmmm, trifle..
Roll on for part 2!!
Well, OBVIOUSLY if you haven’t seen Ricky Gervais’ “Extras”, you simply must in order to pick up some really useful tips about how to be a successful “background cast member”.
OK, but seriously, you HAVE to let us know which movie it is and when it comes out, we want to look for you!
Congrats!
I feel so priveleged to read the blog of a for real movie star. One who’s even on my blogroll. Good luck in the biz. Do they give Oscars for background actors? I hope you get one.
Ooh! Can I get an autograph right now so that I won’t have to buy it for $1,000 later?
Let me know where I need to stuff the ballot box for the Oscars! :o)
Oh gosh– pretty soon, you will be entirely too famous to speak to us non-acting peons. Plus, we’ll see you on Oprah, jumping up and down on the couch telling us how you’ve found true peace with Scientology.
Or possibly just looking for coins between the cushions. Depending on how well your roles pay. I mean, lots of famous butts sit on that couch– there should be all sorts of good stuff between those cushions. 🙂
Bill: This is dead serious, you know! 🙂
RedRaider: I need to bacome addicted to something fashionable before I go into rehab. Sex? Red Bull nasal shots? I don’t know what’s hip on the Strip these days.
Jeff: I’m glad someone understood my trifle example. I didn’t.
Margaret: Good idea! I’ll send one of my ‘people’ out to pick up a DVD.
Joe: Sadly they don’t give out Oscars for background, but they should. I shall mention it to Spielburger or Hanksy next time I see them.
Bee: Oddly enough, someone once asked for my autograph. I don’t know which star they thought I was – Lassie?
Jenn: Knowing how well my roles play, I’ll probably be diving for coins in Oprah’s dumpster.
Is it wrong to hope it IS a greasy porno? Regardless, I’m thrilled for you! I’m also hungry for trifle.