Tag: trailer park boys

Tiggy, Movie Star – The Performance

Hurrah for Haliwood, duh duh duh duh, hurrah for Haliwood...

Canada’s top humour blogger is appearing in a movie. And in case she doesn’t turn up, Tiggy is there too. Read all about her preparation in Part 1.

Part 2 – Performance

No! Not the face!There must have been something wrong with that mineral water I had flown in from the French Alps. A few days before shooting, disaster happened.

NASA scientists were just about to hold a press conference announcing they’d discovered an amazing red giant star, but then realized they’d been pointing their telescope at the HUGE FUCKING RED LUMP on my face. Noooo!

Three tubes of ointment and several panic attacks later, the crimson globe subsided. Phew.

A phone call from the casting office brought the next disaster. My call-up time (that’s showbiz speak for “Be on set looking good, or else”) was 5:30… in the morning. I had no idea such a time existed.

That night I woke up at midnight, 2am and 3am. I was too terrified to sleep. By the time I got up, I looked like I’d spent the night being beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. If this movie required a zombie character, my luck was in.

I groggily attempted to apply my makeup (and we know how ineffective that is) but to no avail. I decided that until I woke up, I would stand as far away as I could from the camera. Like in another building or something.

It was going to be a long morning in makeup.So there I was on set at the crack of dawn, grumpy and blotchy. The cast and crew fiddled with cables and checked their scripts. The shiny camera lens glinted menacingly at me from the gloom. I don’t like having my picture taken at the best of times, so what the hell was I doing here?

Before I had a chance to flee, a production assistant grabbed me and waved me towards the set. It was time for my performance! Oh bugger.

My big scene took place in a smart office building. I was told to look busy and do something very businesslike and important. This was going to take every last drop of my acting skills. I wished I’d taken more notice of my drama teacher at school. Shouldn’t I have lurked around offices shadowing important executives in preparation for my role? What was my motivation? When was lunch? I felt my makeup begin to dribble down my perspiring face. Oh bugger. But I couldn’t let the director down!

“Cameras… Take 1… Rolling… BACKGROUND!

That was my cue. I wobbled awkwardly towards the camera, trying not to trip over the lead actor as he swept across my path. I fumbled and clattered and sweated my way through the scene.

“CUT!” shouted the director. Hurrah! I’d done it! I had acted in a movie! Can I go home now?

“Take 2…. Rolling…”

Again? That take was perfect! Oh well, maybe one more time…

Cut! Reset! Take 3…”

Time passed.

“Take 19… Rolling… BACKGROUND!

By now I was really getting into the swing of things. I don’t know if it was due to severe dehydration or overconfidence, but as I got to know my character during those long hours of filming, I began to understand her.

How I, I mean Princess, looked in my mind. The reality was sadly very differentShe wasn’t just some office nobody. I decided she was worth more than that, so I promoted her to Assistant Manager. I think I would call her Princess. I’m not sure why, but the set lights were making me feel rather dizzy.

Princess was a high-powered executive who knew what she wanted and knew how to get it. She had just signed a multi-million-dollar deal with MegaCorp Holdings and was on her way to bust some balls in the Boardroom.

But not before she’d flirted with that hunky security guard across the corridor. And now she was going to file this paperwork in a really foxy manner. Oh yeahh….

CUT! Erm, could the girl with the red hair please go to makeup? You seem to have carbon copy ink all over your face.”

Oh bugger.

Anyway, I’m not allowed to reveal the movie plot, so I won’t tell you all about the next scenes where I battled a terrifying invasion of mutant starlings, filmed a steamy washroom scene with the hunky security guard and was then beaten by an angry dwarf with a spanner. The action never stopped. This movie is going to be a sure-fire hit!

So when the movie hits your local theatre, look out for a pasty ginger girl falling over a filing cabinet. That’s Tiggy!

Thanks to Mike Clattenburg and the boys for letting me stumble around their movie set for the weekend. (I’m sure you can edit those bits out later).


There’s a star-studded lineup of Drama Queens over at Humor-Blogs.com



Tiggy’s Cryptic Reminders List

I need a Blackberry.

Do you ever write down reminders to yourself but can’t understand what they mean later on? I’ve looked through my trusty jotter and attempted to decipher the cryptic crap I’ve scribbled down. I’m sure they were very meaningful and important at the time…

(These are all genuine. I wish they weren’t).

“Dora – ages 5+, two AA batteries”

Was this a reminder to buy a small child a birthday gift? Is some poor forgotten niece crying into her party dress because evil Aunt Tiggy forgot her birthday again? At least I reminded myself to buy batteries. And I hope it wasn’t a reminder to buy the poor child this –

Dora is exploring some weird things these days.

I’m not sure what kind of exploring Dora gets up to these days, but I’m thinking that it isn’t quite suitable for ages 5+.

Crusty old seaman. Sponsored by HP?“HP Sea Shanties!”

Hewlett Packard is well known for computers, printers and gadgets that bleep and costs a fortune in toner. But I had no idea they’d branched into coastal folk songs. They must be toe-tappingly good because I’ve put an exclamation mark at the end.

Does HP now employ a sou’wester-clad musical troupe to sing hearty songs about plug ‘n’ play pirates? Or how the crystal-sharp light from a HP monitor guided a storm-tossed fishing boat to shore? I checked their website but I couldn’t find Nautical Ditty Downloads anywhere.

“Now want phone to my around the stairs? Why.”

Worryingly, I wrote this at work. Even allowing for my appalling handwriting I can’t make this one out at all. I have to phone around stair repair companies, but I’m not sure why? Is my phone being moved to the stairs, as I’m being turfed from my desk to somewhere more appropriate to my position?

I’ve obviously been spending too much time inhaling photocopier fumes. Maybe I should give HP a call about a replacement machine. But I want it in marine blue.

But does he taste good mashed?Mike Smith potato”

For those who don’t know, Mr. Smith is a local musician and actor who plays lovable Bubbles in the Canadian comedy Trailer Park Boys. He is not, nor has ever been, a starchy, tuberous root vegetable. I’ve never seen a potato or any other vegetable that looks remotely like Mike Smith (mind you, I did once see an onion that looked like Bono).

What was this bizarre reminder for? Do I owe him a potato? Does he owe me a potato? Is he starring in a hilarious root-vegetable-based comedy show? What the hell would a root-vegetable-based-comedy show be like?

I couldn’t possibly imagine, even after inhaling photocopier fumes.

“National *Something* Day Today”

Hurrah! It's National Something Day!I had no idea Canada celebrates National Something Day. Was it a statutory holiday? I’m guessing National Something Day is the day when Canadians honour any noun of their choice.

How about National Penis Day? National Free Cocktail Day? National Tiggy Day? Maybe all three?

I didn’t record the date so I’ll end up missing it again next year. Bugger.

I think I’m going to invest in a voice recorder and record my reminders instead. Mind you I’ll probably end up with a stream of messages blabbering “Now want phone to my around the stairs? Why…”



Hurrah For Canada!

Hurrah for Canada Day!

July 1st is Canada Day! The day when all Canadians avoid work, crack open a beer and then crack open another beer. To be honest, that happens most days in my house, but today we do it with pride!

To get into the spirit of things and help my non-Canadian readers join in the celebrations, I decided to find a photo that sums up Canada and what a cool place it is.

And what better than a picture of our national animal, the beaver? I set to work and Googled ‘cute furry beaver’. Unfortunately, the images Google presented me with… well, let’s just say a) I will remember to switch ‘Moderate Safe Search’ ON in future and b) I now have an image of Britney Spears burned into my brain I didn’t really need.

Britney-free beaver spotting.Never mind, I decided to head to my local wilderness park with my camera and snap the cheerful critter myself. After crawling through the undergrowth for hours, I finally chanced upon the fluffy little fella! Great, now I could get my shot. Come on little guy, do something cute and Canadian!

Unfortunately, I seemed to have caught my little beaver friend in, let’s just say, a rather private act of self-gratification. I waited patiently as the creature fiddled around with his nether regions. And waited. And waited some more. Get on with it, you little cocksucker!

More time passed. A group of curious tourists began to gather behind me.
“Mommy, why is that lady with the orange hair taking photos of a beaver playing with itself? I’m scared.”

I was escorted from the park by the rangers who were under the impression I was some kind of depraved fur-fancier, my protests that I was doing it for Canada Day falling on deaf ears.

Cover your eyes!

I’m really sorry about this, everyone. I just wanted a nice picture for Canada Day and all I have to show for it is a photo of a beaver masturbating. The day is all spoiled now. The only other picture I got was of three recidivists from the local trailer park. Admittedly they are not quite as fluffy, but they are Canadian and will have to do.


Give them some chicken fingers and they won't steal your barbeque.