You know you’re bored at work when you spend the day stapling your hair to the desk for something to do. It’s time to leave when you start breaking wind just to annoy your fellow office workers.
But no more tedious office jobs for me! My future career is going to be exciting and rewarding with lots of free lunches and things to steal. Hmm, let me see…
1. Bar Manager
This sounds like a dream job! Late nights, free booze and cheery customers bloating their livers while swelling my coffers. A friend with a bar let me shadow him for the evening. I learned a few things.
– Testing the liquor optics by sucking on them is not correct procedure.
– A rude and obnoxious diner is not to be advised that Tonight’s Special is Pan-Fried Fuck Off.
– ‘A round of drinks’ does not automatically include one for the bar manager.
– You will spend 85% of your time doing the accounts, 10% cleaning vomit from the ladies’ washroom and 10% re-doing the accounts because the numbers don’t add up.
Running a bar sucks! I know which side of the counter I’ll be staying in future.
2. Working with Animals
Apart from cats, I love all animals and they love me too. I would make a great Zoo keeper (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or racehorse breeder (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or veterinarian (apart from the poop, puke and fleas… ok, I’m not doing that).
There’s no better way to get to know animals inside out than a job at Bob’s Taxidermy! It’s like a petting zoo for bears, moose and ducks. Although the day did not go so well…
– Don’t poke a dead moose with a broom handle. Stuff will seep out.
– Offering to stuff Trapper Joe’s wife when she drops dead is not considered good customer service. Even if you offer a discount.
– Buckshot is difficult to extract from your own bum cheeks. Trapper Joe has a good shot.