Hurrah For Canada!

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Hurrah for Canada Day!

July 1st is Canada Day! The day when all Canadians avoid work, crack open a beer and then crack open another beer. To be honest, that happens most days in my house, but today we do it with pride!

To get into the spirit of things and help my non-Canadian readers join in the celebrations, I decided to find a photo that sums up Canada and what a cool place it is.

And what better than a picture of our national animal, the beaver? I set to work and Googled ‘cute furry beaver’. Unfortunately, the images Google presented me with… well, let’s just say a) I will remember to switch ‘Moderate Safe Search’ ON in future and b) I now have an image of Britney Spears burned into my brain I didn’t really need.

Britney-free beaver spotting.Never mind, I decided to head to my local wilderness park with my camera and snap the cheerful critter myself. After crawling through the undergrowth for hours, I finally chanced upon the fluffy little fella! Great, now I could get my shot. Come on little guy, do something cute and Canadian!

Unfortunately, I seemed to have caught my little beaver friend in, let’s just say, a rather private act of self-gratification. I waited patiently as the creature fiddled around with his nether regions. And waited. And waited some more. Get on with it, you little cocksucker!

More time passed. A group of curious tourists began to gather behind me.
“Mommy, why is that lady with the orange hair taking photos of a beaver playing with itself? I’m scared.”

I was escorted from the park by the rangers who were under the impression I was some kind of depraved fur-fancier, my protests that I was doing it for Canada Day falling on deaf ears.

Cover your eyes!

I’m really sorry about this, everyone. I just wanted a nice picture for Canada Day and all I have to show for it is a photo of a beaver masturbating. The day is all spoiled now. The only other picture I got was of three recidivists from the local trailer park. Admittedly they are not quite as fluffy, but they are Canadian and will have to do.

Sorry.

Give them some chicken fingers and they won't steal your barbeque.


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Smog Is In The Air

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Suck it up, Smog fans!

Now the snow has cleared and the frostbite infections have healed, it’s time to welcome the season known as smog. That pretty yellow haze and tickly feeling in the lungs heralds the arrival of my favourite time of year. And it seems we just can’t get enough of smog!

Smog’s popularity is growing. Cities everywhere vie for the prize of ‘Smog Capital of the World’ with more countries joining in the fun every year. Toronto put in a good effort last year, but was out-hazed by those up and coming pea-souper-stars Beijing and Mexico City. Better luck this year, TO!

Some people say smog is a bad thing that contributes to countless deaths and diseases, posing a greater threat to our health than smoking, drinking and coffee creamer. But a world without smog would be unthinkable! Just consider the benefits…

Without smog, Christmas is ruined! – Without smog, there would be no Christmas! Imagine the tears in small children’s eyes as they open their empty stockings. “Sorry kids, but the Chinese factories that make Santa’s toys have closed down due to anti-pollution laws. You’ll have to play with this pile of organic hemp instead”.

Surely it’s better to let factories pump noxious chemicals into the atmosphere than deprive little Johnny of his plastic TransformoMangaZoid robot? Those Chinese factory workers will just have to learn to hold their breath more often.

– Smog can help prevent heart attacks! Sick of those emaciated health gurus lecturing you about how unhealthy you are and how you should get off your lardy arse and go jogging? It’s alright for those multi-billionaire fitness freaks; they can jog around their luxury yachts in Monaco.

But for those of us in Smog City, running around wheezing in the fuggy haze is very dangerous! You could suffer heart failure, or get hit by a car lost in the fog. Are these exercise Nazis trying to finish us off? Far healthier to remain inside and take a nice relaxing nap.

Hurrah for biofuel!-We need smog to Go Green! Now boffins have invented biofuel, more land is needed to grow this precious crop. Getting rid of all that useless wheat and corn (who eats that stuff anyway?) only provides a fraction of land needed.

Fortunately, many countries have realized that by burning down all those land-hogging forests they can grow even more biofuel and help save the planet!

Unfortunately, burning involves blanketing entire regions in dense toxic fog for weeks on end. But it’s for the environment, right? And that can only be a good thing.

Thank goodness for smog! Without it world economies would collapse and we’d all have to walk to the shops – where they’d be nothing to buy anyway! Until we can keep modern society running on fresh air I guess we’ll have to do without it.


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Tiggy’s Word Of The Day – REM

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Shiny Happy People

      Athens Rockers REM are absolutely delighted to hear they’ve been featured on Tiggy’s Word Of The Day.

8. REM

Vegetarian band enjoyed by the elderly.

In the early days REM played gigs in greasy pizza joints and were paid in discarded crusts and shredded cheese. The following week they landed an $8 billion recording contract and bought a helicopter.

Interesting fact: lead singer Michael Stripe is a certified Taxidermist (but steers clear of doing fish as he can’t quite get the eyes right).

It is State Law in Wisconsin to play Everybody Hurts at funerals.


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Bill C-10: It’s Not Porn, It’s Art

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Say NO to C-10! Grrrr!

Those of us involved in the Canadian creative community (and those of us pretending to be, for the purpose of this story) are worried. The government is trying to introduce a Bill called C-10, a draconian law preventing artists from using government loans to finance ‘challenging’ movies. Canadian banks are often reluctant to finance such movies, citing pathetic excuses like “They’re usually drivel”.

Just in case C-10 passed, I thought I’d better get my claim in with the Tax Credit Department before the men in grey totally destroyed my freedom of expression. I felt my luck was in with my latest venture, a scarifying indictment of capitalist urban society entitled The Cock Whisperer.

Auditions were going very well.Based on a true experience, The Cock Whisperer is the powerful story of a girl who has the gift-like ability to banish men’s rampant and uncontrollable sexual desires by sitting in a room with them for five minutes. I’d assembled a cast from the many out-of-work actors in my neighbourhood and spent several hours sweating over the script.

Unfortunately, the Tax Credit Department did not share my enthusiasm for the project and demanded vicious rewrites before they would consider scribbling out any cheques. They claimed my touching tale about touching todgers was merely an excuse for me to film attractive gentlemen without their underpants, and was not in the Canadian public interest to fund it.

I remonstrated that actually the Canadian public wanted, nay, demanded to sit in a movie theatre for two hours looking at men’s units – all my friends had said so. Apart from the male ones. And the local vicar. And my neighbour, who actually called the cops when I asked to borrow their hot tub for a few scenes. I think the cops are beginning to tire of being called to my street.

My fight with the Police State suits will continue as I refuse to compromise my artistic integrity. Like filming Titanic without the iceberg, you cannot have a story about cocks without cocks.

Failing that I’ll borrow my mate Sparky’s video camera and produce the bloody movie myself without their stupid tax credits.

Anyone got a hot tub I can borrow?


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