Smog Is In The Air

Suck it up, Smog fans!

Now the snow has cleared and the frostbite infections have healed, it’s time to welcome the season known as smog. That pretty yellow haze and tickly feeling in the lungs heralds the arrival of my favourite time of year. And it seems we just can’t get enough of smog!

Smog’s popularity is growing. Cities everywhere vie for the prize of ‘Smog Capital of the World’ with more countries joining in the fun every year. Toronto put in a good effort last year, but was out-hazed by those up and coming pea-souper-stars Beijing and Mexico City. Better luck this year, TO!

Some people say smog is a bad thing that contributes to countless deaths and diseases, posing a greater threat to our health than smoking, drinking and coffee creamer. But a world without smog would be unthinkable! Just consider the benefits…

Without smog, Christmas is ruined! Without smog, there would be no Christmas! Imagine the tears in small children’s eyes as they open their empty stockings. “Sorry kids, but the Chinese factories that make Santa’s toys have closed down due to anti-pollution laws. You’ll have to play with this pile of organic hemp instead”.

Surely it’s better to let factories pump noxious chemicals into the atmosphere than deprive little Johnny of his plastic TransformoMangaZoid robot? Those Chinese factory workers will just have to learn to hold their breath more often.

– Smog can help prevent heart attacks! Sick of those emaciated health gurus lecturing you about how unhealthy you are and how you should get off your lardy arse and go jogging? It’s alright for those multi-billionaire fitness freaks; they can jog around their luxury yachts in Monaco.

But for those of us in Smog City, running around wheezing in the fuggy haze is very dangerous! You could suffer heart failure, or get hit by a car lost in the fog. Are these exercise Nazis trying to finish us off? Far healthier to remain inside and take a nice relaxing nap.

Hurrah for biofuel!-We need smog to Go Green! Now boffins have invented biofuel, more land is needed to grow this precious crop. Getting rid of all that useless wheat and corn (who eats that stuff anyway?) only provides a fraction of land needed.

Fortunately, many countries have realized that by burning down all those land-hogging forests they can grow even more biofuel and help save the planet!

Unfortunately, burning involves blanketing entire regions in dense toxic fog for weeks on end. But it’s for the environment, right? And that can only be a good thing.

Thank goodness for smog! Without it world economies would collapse and we’d all have to walk to the shops – where they’d be nothing to buy anyway! Until we can keep modern society running on fresh air I guess we’ll have to do without it.