Please don't eat us.Why do healthy foods taste like cack? I’m sorry, but a weedy carrot is no substitute for a moist chocolate cake dripping with cream and hot silky fudge. I know which one makes me feel moist just thinking about it.

I’ve tried to follow a healthy diet, but there are some foods I cannot get past my gullet…

Brown Anything
“Substitute regular pasta and rice with the wholemeal variety!” squeaks the skinny fitness guru on TV. “It will make your heart and rectum happy!”
Have you eaten wholemeal pasta? It puts the ‘rough’ into roughage, that’s for sure! Rather than sucking up silky strings of spaghetti, the wholemeal version feels like your lips are being sandblasted. It has a crunch that should not be there. It’s brown.

I travelled the length and breadth of Italy and didn’t see a single shred of brown pasta anywhere. I guess the Mafia destroyed the Italian wholemeal industry after a ‘healthy’ lasagna made a Don a bit too regular. Well done, chaps!

Brown rice is even worse. Health nut vegans coming to dinner? Out of brown rice? Simply get your hamster to shred a cardboard box and serve the chewy shards with tofu. Your pasty party guests never notice the difference!

Raw Food
My granny swore by raw food during World War II. Having spent her rations on silk stockings and liquor, she often had nothing left for cooking fuel. So she would ‘dig for victory’ and unearth a few turnips to chew on while the Luftwaffe bombed seven bells out of her. That was the wartime spirit! And everyone was as fit as an ox! Not like kids today, mutter, mutter, etc.

Granny was wrong. Most people from World War II are now shriveled, white-haired and have false teeth (probably from all that raw turnip chewing). The epitome of health and vitality? I think not!

Seen those TV adverts for probiotic yogurt? The advert seems to think that having billions of crawling bacteria in your pudding is a good thing.
This is what bacteria look like:

Probiotic goodness.

Can you imagine that swimming around your yogurt pot?

I’d like to know what makes these wiggly critters so good for me. Would they make me taller? Whiten my teeth? Put more smart thoughts in my brain? I doubt it. I don’t know about you but I don’t want any bacteria in my body, thank you very much.

Be everyone's friend at the movie theatre with a durian!Smells Funny
I should eat more green vegetables. But they smell funny. That tempting clump of broccoli smells good at the supermarket, but as soon as I get it home it starts to give off a strange cabbagey aroma. Boiling it turns the aroma into a toxic stink. Dinner guests move outside and eyes begin to water. Suddenly a Chinese take-out is looking favourable.

Did you know the world’s stinkiest fruit is the durian? Imagine a main sewer blockage on a hot day and you’re about there. In many Asian countries you can’t take a durian for a ride on a bus or to a movie because they are banned from many public places (sadly, this ban does not extend to sweaty tourists).

If you can get over the rotting flesh smell, the durian is the sweetest and most delicious fruit ever tasted. Apparently. Next dinner party, I’ll give it a try. It might mask the smell of broccoli.

I feel quite queasy now. I wonder though – maybe there is sales potential in the eco-nut health market for brown rice and broccoli yogurt…?


17 Responses to “5 A Day Food Hell”

I like lots of brown things. Brownies, chocolate ice cream, pudding, I could go on. I also like broccoli – when it’s drenched in cheese sauce.

chowner’s last blog post..A day in the life of the guy who motivates Tony Robbins to be the greatest motivational speaker in the world

wholemeal is a fancy way of saying “we dropped this on the floor. Go ahead and eat it, those twigs and junk are good for you”

C.B.Jones’s last blog post..Man dies while using iPhone 3, lives to tell about it

This reminds me of a joke Dorothy from the Golden Girls told in one episode. “So this beautiful thin girl went inside a French restaurant and only ordered water crest. When she walked out of the restaurant, a piano fell on her and she died. Imagine what her last meal was!!!”

Carl’s last blog post..See You in July, Says Michael Jackson

After seeing the picture of bacteria, no more Danone Aciva for me. Thanks Tiggy!

Makes me wonder how Durian Durian got so popular with hits like “A View To A Swill”.

HumorSmith’s last blog post..Nerts By Northwest

Ah, the durian. So many uses because of its smell. Indeed, countries like Thailand have strict rules about the what and where of the durian. And a clever foreign tourist can exploit this to great effect…

I was munching on a carrot stick when reading this blog. Now I feel guilty for enjoying it.

marvelgoose’s last blog post..Wearing of the Blue

Nothing like a goo bowl of bacteria for breakfast. Maybe for lunch I’ll have a tapeworm.

I can’t imagine how a fruit that smells so awful COULD taste good. Aren’t those two senses linked? If you’re smelling something repulsive, how can you enjoy ANY food?

I agree about the brown rice thing. I can’t get over the thought that maybe it should be categorized not as a grain, but as a nut. And a crap one at that.

Angry Max’s last blog post..A Cure for Peanut Allergy: Grow a Pair

Chowner: Now that’s the kind of brown food I’m talkin’ about! Happy food.

C.B.: Amen. Wholewheat = unwashed.

Carl: That’s a good point. How many Death Row convicts order tofu as their last meal? None, not even in China, I bet!

Jeff: Swap your breakfast yogurt for a sherry trifle. You know it makes sense!

HumorSmith: Gaahhhh!

Marvel: Please tell me you had a huge lump of creamy Philadelphia dip at the end of that carrot?

Sean: You’ll never dine alone when you have a tapeworm! Eww.

Stephanie: True. If chocolate smelled like ass, would it be so popular? Unless people just put it up their ass instead. Eww.

Max: Brown Rice = Crap Nuts. I will be calling it that from now on.

Having grown up with an Italian heritage, I can say that whole meal/whole wheat pasta is not pasta.

And what the hell is a durian?

John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..My Play Date with President Obama

I’m with you on everything but the brown rice. I find that to be quite acceptable, and maybe even preferable to the white variety. Whole wheat pasta, on the other hand, is not fit for a hobo.

Old people do look unhealthy….. dis true, dat.

If all food would just come coated with durian, everyone would be thin.

Venom’s last blog post..Duff BeerMan – the Rest of the Story

I do like brown rice, but whole wheat pasta is wrong on every level.

I wonder who ate the first durian . . . ?

JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Do Focus Groups so you don’t have to

Broccoli is so good! If you hate the smell chop up some broccoli crowns and some garlic and olive oil and a little sea salt toss it in the oven at 3:50 until some of the broccoli is a little toasty.

Arika’s last blog post..I’m not cut out for the porn industry.

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