Tiggy Investigates Man Boobs
Man boobs have been on my mind. Now the sun is shining and the winter coats are off, I can’t help noticing t-shirted men who seem to have grown lady-like appendages during their winter hibernation.
But what are man boobs? Are you a man worried by the condition? Are you a woman who could do with a giggle? Read on.
Owning a pair of man boobs can result from lack of exercise, bad luck or something to do with the thousands of hormone-pumped, estrogen-infused triple cheeseburgers a busty boy has shoved down his throat. But how are men affected by this terrible tit trauma?
I decided investigate by visiting the local gym to observe shirtless men lifting weights for the afternoon. From my lengthy observations, I noticed there are two types of protrusion.
The first and rather more attractive type is the Resting Pec as I like to call it. These once-proud muscular mounds are reasonably firm and pert, but perhaps require their owners to consume a few less KFCs and spend a bit more time pumping the Bowflex in order to reach their optimum manliness again.
The second type are the more feminine looking he-humps or Saggy Old Witch Tits, the sort of flabby gristle you see on female bus drivers and at over-55s porn sites you accidentally click on sometimes. These poor chesty chaps must have so much estrogen in their system they probably went to see Sex and the City: The Movie and cry when they run over chipmunks.
How do you know if you have harmless resting pecs or worrying witch wobblers? Take this tit-tastic quiz to find out!
1. Can you hold a pencil, spoon or small mammal under your mammary gland?
2. Can you kiss your nipples?
3. Do your man boobs hit you on the chin when you run?
4. Are you too overweight to attempt question 3?
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, I’m afraid the prognosis is not looking good. And neither are you.
A strict regime of tofu burgers and bench presses is the only way to banish that bosom and replace it with a macho six-pack. Alternately you could move to Bangkok, join a lady boy troupe and perform as a novelty Sumo wrestler/cabaret artiste. Believe it or not, there are a lot of Japanese businessmen who would pay good money to see that.
So in conclusion it seems that having both a cleavage and a cock is not as much fun as it sounds. Unless you think the lifestyle may be for you, in which case have another cheeseburger!
They have big manly chests over at Humor-Blogs.com
3. Polar Bear – Those Germans went crazy for little Knut and Flocke, so just imagine the fun you’d have with your own polar pet! Polar Bears are easy to look after – just pop them in the bath tub with a bucket of blubber and let them splash away. Don’t forget to tell visitors you have a 1000lb bear in the bathroom before they use the facilities.
I should dream up a plan of revenge. I will attempt to make Richard jealous by secretly dating Top Gear co-presenter Jeremy Clarkson. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Jeremy is much taller and can probably drive faster. That will teach Hamster to play with my dreams!
