Tiggy’s Word Of The Day – Spain

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Spain - Sun, sea, sangria and sex heaven for the over 70's.

9. Spain

Hot country populated entirely by old people.

Invented by the Spanish, Spain is famous for sun, sea and Sangria, a traditional cocktail of red wine, Sunny Delight and brake fluid.

He's from Barcelona! Probably.Famous Spaniards include Renault Picasso, Manuel from Fawlty Towers and possibly Oates from top 80s rockers Hall and Oates, who looks a bit Spanish with that moustache.

A popular Spanish pastime is Bull Fighting which I believe is a lot like Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Great fun for kids.

 

They love clacking their big castanets over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Boring Beijing? Tiggy’s Exciting Olympics

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The Olympics - could be worse, could be every year.

Are you watching the Beijing Olympics? Assuming you can see it through the smog. Well, I am boycotting the Olympics this year, for the reason I reckon everyone is – it’s boring as fuck. Who the hell wants to waste precious time watching drug-addled idiots running around in the blazing heat? I can do that at my local park for free. Ten gazillion dollars spent on two weeks of flag waving, blisters and lycra rash. What a waste of money.

However, if the Olympics bosses introduced these exciting sports I may be interested…

Olympic Cheese Rolling ? More fun than a bath tub of Cheez Whiz!Cheese Rolling – This ancient sport involves a large round cheese, a hill and some drunk people. Simply roll the cheese down the hill. The winner is the drunk who manages to beat the cheese to the finish by throwing themselves down the hill after it.

I’m sure there are hills in Beijing, so construction costs = $0. I’m not sure if they have large cheese in China, maybe the Dutch team can bring some.

Dressing Up Race – This would liven up the 1500 metres no end. Runners would have to stop every 100m and add a layer of clothing – a feather boa, frilly dress or large floppy hat. Maybe they could have a theme like Gay Parade or ABBA Tribute. It would add a dash of colour and in no way demean the athletes and their sport. Hurdles in Heels? Long Jump in Rubber? The possibilities are endless.

Meaty, mighty and a lot more interesting than men's synchronised fencing.Men’s Triathlon – Never mind running, swimming and whatever the other thing is, I propose three REAL tests to sort the men from the boys – beer drinking, Marmite wrestling and barbequing. Who can drink the most, defeat his opponent in a bought of sticky yeast extract tussling then cook a plate of plump sausages to perfection?

I ‘m sure the Australians would do well at this, although they’d probably moan about wanting to use Vegemite instead of Marmite. Sorry fellas, rules are rules.

Women’s Triathlon – Waxing, Mojitos and Shoes. I think I could represent Canada in this sport, although I am no good at shoes. Or waxing.

‘High’ Jump – No pole, no landing mat, just a large spliff and the will to succeed. A plate of Gummy Worms and Cheetos could be dangled from a crane as an incentive to the giggling competitors to jump even higher!

I’m not sure if they have drugs in China, maybe the Dutch team can bring some.

Men’s Nude Hockey – That is something I would like to see. Just saying.

Ohh, watch out for that flying puck!

I am writing to the International Olympic Committee right now with my suggestions, I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to add them to the London 2012 Olympics. But first, I’m going to lie down and think about the men’s hockey a bit more…

 

They’d win gold medals in the 500 metre bonkers race at Humor-Blogs.com


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Illegal Downloading is Naughty. Can You Live Without It?

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Illegal downloads - its' the end of days, I tell you.

The music and movie industry is upset! Everyone is downloading from the internet, ripping CDs and movies to their iPods and making poor media executives very cross. We are hurting their feelings by recklessly buying their products then – the cheek of it – copying them to other devices without giving them any more money! It’s like buying a coffee and demanding another one free as a “backup” or to share with friends later. Trust me, this argument doesn’t go down well at Starbucks.

Fortunately governments everywhere are putting a stop to this nonsense. Soon all internet downloading will be banned, copying a song onto an iPod will mean 10 years in jail and as for buying a DVD and watching it on your laptop… all I can say is I’m glad we don’t have the death penalty in Canada.

Can you imagine a life without downloads, iPods or DVDs? What to do?

All together now - Smack ma bitch up...– Now your iPod is defunct, simply hire a busker to follow you around and play the songs you love. They only make $4 a day, so give them $5 and a list of tunes they have to learn by midnight. It’s a win-win situation!

– Dreams are often better than those rubbish DVD movies – and they’re free! Simply go to bed at 6pm and get ready for a night of entertainment. Eat some cheese if you crave a scary nightmarish thriller, or take some drugs for a mind-blowing pot-luck feature. You may dream up a movie so brilliant you can sell it to the movie companies and recoup some of the money you’ve wasted on their 3rd rate dross over the years!

Who needs Hollywood anyway? Nuhh.– Remember the movie Be Kind, Rewind where that podgy bloke from the Foo Fighters made his own movies? Be your own Hollywood superstar and film yourself starring in your favourite blockbusters! If you are a bit ugly you could try hilarious slapstick comedy. If you are more attractive or have large physical assets, movies of an adult nature could be an option.

– Listening to music or watching movies is a terrible time waster. Just think of the new hobbies you could try instead of sitting on your arse staring at the screen. Learn a new language, breed hamsters or even play the tuba! There are great resources online you can download and… oh, hang on.

Your new home!– If the RIAA is going to have to prise your iPod from your cold dead hands before your delete your illicit collection, consider becoming an outlaw! Run away from the authorities and form a commune in the wilderness with your fellow desperate downloaders. Away from the iron grip of the law you can indulge in other dangerous criminal behaviour like smoking indoors, making hash brownies and distributing photocopies of whatever the hell you like – there’s no copyright laws in your Republic. Awesome!

Follow these tips and you’ll never have to spend money buying overpriced music and movies again! Not that some of you were in the first place…

Their busker plays all the best ABBA hits over at Humor-Blogs.com


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Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Portable Hot Tub

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Hot Tub Heaven - of course you don't look stupid!

There’s nothing finer than sitting in your garden taking a bath in a luminous orange cauldron. This go-anywhere futuristic Dutch tub (not to be confused with a Dutch cap, which is somewhat smaller) is a great way to socialize with friends, neighbours and naked men.

 

We come in peace! To bang your leaf blower!* You’ll be a hot tub hit at the local Salvation Army hostel this Christmas! Simply fill the tub with soup and ladle some festive cheer to the homeless. Afterwards, fill it with hot soapy water and treat your tramping chums to a refreshing soak before pushing them back onto the mean streets.

* Turn the tub upside down and bury it in your neighbour’s garden. Call the local TV station and tell them a UFO has crash-landed next door and a giant purple alien is trying to have sex with their lawn mower. Better call the cops too, this will be a great YouTube moment.

 

There’s a sexy hot tub party every night at Humor-Blogs.com


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