Lock Up Your Bunnies – Rabbit Ripper on the Loose!
Pity the poor fluffy residents of the Ruhr Valley in Germany. The area is being terrorized by a crazed rabbit ripper who breaks into hutches, decapitates pet bunnies and leaves a trail of fur and sobbing children in his wake. The Miffy-murdering scoundrel isn’t snatching his victims to make a nice stew, but disposes of their headless remains in playgrounds and pensioners’ gardens!
What can German animal lovers to do, apart from setting booby traps in the garden or locking poor Flopsy in the basement with a machine gun? Maybe residents should end their love of lop-ears and invest in fiercer pets that will give the Bunny Butcherer a run for his money…
1. Tiger – Who could resist this adorable bundle of stripy fur? You’ll never get mugged when taking Kitty for a walk – you could ‘clean up’ your local park by hunting down pickpockets, hoodlums and annoying joggers! It would give Kitty a good workout and save on pet food costs.
Just a tip, don’t let Kitty sit on your lap and dig his claws in.
2. Snake – Admittedly a fang-toothed venomous snake is not as cuddly as a rabbit, but you could knit him an armless wooly jersey to snuggle in. Snakes love to chomp on insects and rodents, so he could help with domestic cleaning chores by slithering around the house clearing up spiders and mice. Just make sure he doesn’t clear up any small children or puppies.
3. Polar Bear – Those Germans went crazy for little Knut and Flocke, so just imagine the fun you’d have with your own polar pet! Polar Bears are easy to look after – just pop them in the bath tub with a bucket of blubber and let them splash away. Don’t forget to tell visitors you have a 1000lb bear in the bathroom before they use the facilities.
4. Stuffed Pet – Why not beat the Decapitator of Dortmund to it and purchase a dead pet? Simply pop into to Bob’s Taxidermy and peruse his selection of reconditioned rabbits. Stuff your stiff pet with explosives, stick it in the garden and wait for the Rabbit Ripper to come along … that’ll teach the fucker!
5.Vegetables – I know what you’re thinking: “Tiggy, you ginger lunatic, vegetables aren’t pets! Are you on drugs?” But think about it. A “pet” could be anything you have to love and care for. Prince Charles talks to his pet plants and he’s not mad at all.
And pet vegetables are easy to look after! They don’t need walking in the park (unless you really want to), they are perfectly house-trained and you’ll feel less guilty about chopping them up and eating them than you would your hamster. And a bloodthirsty serial killer isn’t going to slaughter a row of innocent veggies in your garden, is he?
Hopefully this horrible hutch-harasser will be caught and end up in a little cage of his own. For now, keep your bunnies safe and next time, buy a pet with a bit more bite!
Humor-Blogs.com loves all fluffy creatures.
I love the tiger idea!! I do think the bunny killer needs to be decapitated and tossed around like a catnip toy. BTW, the snake’s armless wooly jersey image makes me laugh. Thanks!
Oh thanks! As if I am not afraid enough with the army of hobo spiders trying to break down my door, now I have to worry about this?!!
Wait, I am not a rabbit nor am I in Germany so I guess I am safe? 🙂
… yes, but a juicethirsty rabbit *is* going to slaughter a row of innocent veggies in your garden! (A female rabbit might be particularly fond of the love carrots you showcase.)
We take very good care of our pet plants, Sven and Florian! By the way, Sven has dangerous prickly prickles! No rabbit appetizer!
No! I found a headless bunny in my yard earlier this year! He’s gone international! I wore an oven mitt, wrapped in a plastic bag to pick it up and dispose of it – and I did it at night so I wouldn’t have to look too closely. Just don’t ask me to kill any spiders in the house…
Poor rabbits!! I think I’d go for the polar bear option, they will need a new home now the arctic is melting… I could fit a few in my bathtub for sure.
Sandy: You’re right, a rumble with a jungle kitty is just what the Deutche Decapitator needs!
Offended: Hopefully all the other demented psychos are too busy slashing and throttling to read the internet and pick up any copy-cat ideas.
Roufa & Mimi: OMG! Maybe the killer is a militant vegetable rights activist, trying to save innocent carrots by killing rabbits! I better call the Dortmund police.
Jason: A lovely mental picture, thanks for sharing! As it was night-time, were you in your PJs, or maybe just boxers? (I’m just trying to get the picture in my head right).
Jeff: Thanks for volunteering! A truckload of hungry bears is being delivered to you from Nunavut as we speak.
If I had that carrot as a pet, I’m not sure how long it would last…?
JD: I don’t want to know. I just don’t want to know.
I vote for a vampire slayer, not a fake one like Buffy, but a real-life one; everyone knows that vampires are real and that way both anti-vampire cults AND the people vampires terrorize would be able to sleep at night.