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Tiggy’s Bucket List

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I’m not thinking of dropping dead any time soon. There are things I need to do first. So, like those old guys in the coincidently titled “The Bucket List”, I’ve made a list of all the things I want to do before I kick the bucket.

Have you ever done any of these things? If they were a bit boring let me know and I’ll cross them off.

1. See inside my brain.

2. Vomit sake into a Tokyo gutter.

3. Fire a gun without killing someone (for once).

4. Win the Turner Prize for Art with my work Frozen Prawn in a Bucket.

Fetch, Fido! Roll over!5. Win a Dog Show with a cunningly disguised hamster.

6. Drive a tractor into the Sphinx.

7. Eat a jam and spam flan on a trip to Milan.

8. Send back a meal cooked by Gordon Ramsey.

9. Be undressed by kings and see some things that a woman ain’t supposed to see.

10. Endure a bitter and acrimonious divorce from George Clooney.

11. Roll a joint in less than three hours.

12. Ride a Segway around the CERN particle accelerator while it’s on.

13. Crawl through air ducts while being chased by robots.

14. Win an Oscar for my screen adaptation of the Yellow Pages.

15. Accidentally delete YouTube.

16. Run over a pop tart with a traction engine.

My Favourite Spoon.17. Give a three-hour lecture to an audience of people I hate, entitled “My Favourite Spoon”.

18. Think up a funny Lolcat caption.

19. Liberate Greenland.

20. Enter rehab for an addiction to tree sap.

21. Star in a medieval-themed adult movie called Robbin Hood of Sherfuck Forest.

22. Use the ‘c’ word in a company presentation.

23. Invent a new kind of cheese.

24. Take pot shots at kite boarders with a potato gun.

25. Ban the word “soccer”. It’s football.

26. Tickle a panda.

27. Steal a cloud.

28. Open a peanut-themed restaurant and call it The Nut Sack.

29. Un-see Two Girls, One Cup.

30. Tour Namibia on a space hopper.

There’s no knowing when that ragged mob will catch up with me and burn me at the stake, so I’m pumping up my space hopper and heading off before it’s too late.
What’s on your bucket list?


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That's the spirit!I’m looking forward to being old. Life so far has not been as exciting as I hoped. I was too weird to have enjoyed a flirtatious carefree youth and I’m spending most my adult life sitting in traffic queues and being thrown out of cocktail bars. I’ve decided my twilight years are going to be the best of my (fast diminishing) life. I’ve only got 50 years to wait! Well, 45. All right, maybe closer to 40. Bugger.

I hope my family dumps me at the doorstep of the local seniors’ home the day I reach admission age. Senior homes may be like prisons with flowery curtains, but think of the benefits! Three square meals a day, lots of TV to watch and uniformed helpers to cater to your every need.

I imagine by the time I’m old they will have senior homes in space – Heaven’s waiting room in the heavens. Being weightless will help us old folk move around easily and I’m sure the boffins will have invented some sort of magic space lemonade to keep us fit and regular.

Me and my old-timer chums can float around the TV lounge all day watching remastered 3D holographic movies from the old days. We’ll hovver around sucking Werther’s Original Magic Mushrooms (drugs will of course be legal by then) and watch classics like SAW IIV and Debbie Does Denmark.

Hopefully boffins will have invented an interactive virtual reality pod too. We can indulge our fantasies and have some senior sexy time with holographic stars. Oohh virtual George Clooney, just wait until I get out of this prosthetic brace and we’ll have some fun!

Tiggy in 100 years. I hope.Pumped up on magic space lemonade and as many Werthers Originals we can get our wrinkly hands on, life will be one big senior home house party (at least until bedtime at 7pm).

Old Mr. Jay-Z Johnson in his pimped out wheelchair can provide entertainment with ditties from the good old days. “Oh, ma bitch! Ma Ho! Shake ur Ass, bitch!” he will croak as his blinging gold false teeth rattle inside his bony head.

Maybe devilish geriatrics Mr. Rose and Mr. Slash will wake from their afternoon naps and treat us to some old-fashioned guitar shredding and arthritic-foot-tapping rock tunes. As long as they keep the noise down.

We have nothing to fear from old age! It’s going to be a fogey-fest of liquid meals, happy pills and moaning about how today’s youth don’t know they’re born, the old days were much better. First one to the stair lift gets a go with Virtual George!


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Boys Town Gang? Ohh noes!If there’s something I hate more than the taste of chalk, it’s buying Christmas presents. I’m great at buying gifts for myself – I know exactly what I want and I’m never disappointed with the colour or quality.

But I’m clueless when it comes to friends and family. No matter how hard I try, I always end up buying the wrong thing and have to witness that familiar grimace as they open their unwanted gift.

This year I’ve decided to go one better and deliberately buy the worst gifts I can find. That way, no-one will be any more disappointed than usual, and I can have some fun.

Mmm, cabbagey.Power Juicer
It looks great on the TV, doesn’t it? You fill it with fruit and vegetables and it squirts out a healthy refreshing drink! The drink may be fluorescent green and smell like cabbage, but hey, think of the health benefits!

A juicer is a truly terrible gift. It says “You look like shit! You stuff your face with fast food all day – your body must be crying out for nutrition! You obviously have no idea how to cook, so here’s a machine you just shove fruit into. Think you can manage that?
You’ll have to gulp a glass of freshly-squeezed broccoli every time I visit, just so I think you love your gift.” Ha! Add a Spa day voucher if you feel really cruel.

That one on the right - doesn't he remind you of serial killer John Wayne Gacey?Glass Clown
If there’s one thing worse than a real clown, it’s a delicately crafted, multicolour Italian glass clown. Yes, from the country that brought you Ferrari and Michelangelo, Italy has now added gaudy deformed ornaments to their prestigious list. Why? Did a glassblower wake up one morning and think “Hey! I mak-a ma fortune by blowing a clown! Bellissimo!” A sad day for Europe.

This gift says “I’ve thought of the most unattractive, scary figure I could think of. I’ve had it made from psychedelic glass that clashes with everything you own. I’ve had it flown all the way from Italy. Because I’ve put so much effort into this gift, you will have to display this monstrosity in the most prominent place in your house. I am then going to buy you one every Christmas for the next 20 years.”

Embarrassing CD
I’ve been the recipient of many cringeworthy discs in my time – some of my relatives must really hate me. Any serious music fan is going to be seriously offended by offerings such as this:

Man Love Disco - Boys Town Gang pump it up. Eww.

Just be sure you don’t purchase something that is so bad, it’s good. It just has to be really bad.

Your musical gift of love shouts out “This CD shows how little attention I pay to your musical tastes. This CD is going to stand out in your serious music collection like a glowing pus-filled boil. Put it on now! Put on your dancing shoes and boogie on down, party boy! Rahahahh.”

Just what you always wanted.Pet Gifts
It’s fun to irritate a new mother by buying baby-related gifts on her birthday. So why not buy pet gifts for your animal loving relatives? A box of snacky bones or a scratching post is totally useless to them, but their furry friends will love you forever! It’s like stretching one gift to two recipients. Brilliant.

This gift says “I know your pet is the only thing in your miserable life that loves you, so I’ve decided to reward him, the poor creature. You’ll now have to spend Christmas feeding your gift to the dog.”

Balloon fail.Balloon Ride
Nothing says “I couldn’t be bothered to think about your gift” more than a free ride in something. And a balloon ride is the worst trip of all. On the face of it, a graceful and romantic balloon ride sounds like fun, but as far as I’m concerned it’s dangerous, scary, pointless and, did I mention dangerous? At least with skydiving you get a parachute.

This gift is great for unpleasant elderly relatives. It shouts “A trip of a lifetime – I hope so, because you won’t be around for another one! Once you realize you’re standing in a picnic hamper 10,000 feet above ground held up by a bag of air, those long-overdue heart palpitations might finally kick in! By the way, can you leave me that antique vase in your will?”

Follow these tips and your Christmas shopping trips will be a breeze! For more inspiration, head over to Shopping Bizarre for more ridiculous gift ideas!


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The last time I played tag I was seven and ended up losing two teeth. Happily, Sandie over at the delectable Quirky Musings of a Loony Mama has decided I’m “It” and has tagged me without using violence or stealing my lunch money. She has decreed that I must reveal six facts about myself. And I can’t make things up like I normally do.

1. The music of Beethoven makes me nervous. I used to play the cello when I was a kid. The huge instrument was odd choice for a tiny tot like myself; when my music teacher asked the class if anyone wanted to learn the cello I just said yes. I had no idea what a cello was. I assumed it was a tiny flute or something.

Damn you Beethoven, and your epic symphonies!I joined a youth orchestra and spent my weekends playing concerts in musty town halls. The highlight of our season was the Christmas Gala performance at the swanky city concert hall.
On the night of the great performance, our conductor greeted the packed hall and announced that the first treat of the evening was Beethoven’s 3rd Symphony.

Beethoven’s WHAT? I’d never heard of it! I had been off for a week with flu; the bastards must have practiced it while I was away. I glanced at my fellow musicians who were calmly putting their music scores on the stands. I didn’t even have a copy!

I had to spend the next hour miming to Beethoven in front of 5,000 people.

2. I don’t have a favourite day of the week. They all kinda suck in their own way.

I only found out later they have an elevator.3. I don’t like heights. My worst vertigo nightmare was at the Sagrada Familia church in Barcelona. I’d bravely decided to climb the stairs of the spire, but ten steps up the narrow spiral staircase I decided I’d seen quite enough. Unfortunately a group of German tourists suddenly pushed their way behind me; there was no chance of escape. The only way was up, up, up, up…

The only way out of that cursed church was to cross the tiny bridge between the two spires (which I estimated was at 15,000ft) and descend the staircase of the other tower. Shaking and sweating for over an hour, I finally clambered my way to the bottom of the staircase. Freedom!

But the door at the bottom of the staircase was LOCKED!

A chubby German tourist grabbed my arm and chirped “Nein, ve cannot get out zees way! Ve must go back the vay ve came!” and dragged me all the way back up.

Mental note: next time, wear glasses.4. I can’t drive. No, that’s not true. I can drive, just not in a way that is acceptable to everyone else on the road. I like to travel at 100 miles an hour everywhere, especially in school zones (the kids think it’s cool). I ease into tight parking spots by nudging other cars out the way. I often forget I am supposed to wear my glasses until halfway through the trip. I like slamming on the brakes and making the tires squeal, especially in school zones.

5. I’m a famous movie star (well, in my street anyway). My movie extra career has taken off since my recent movie appearance as “Princess” the pasty redhead executive. The back of my head is featuring in Tom Selleck’s latest flick, and last week I played an East Indian refugee (I had to spend quite a long time in makeup for that role). I’m very versatile. And more importantly, I’m very cheap.

6. My first ever word was “bap”. I was trying to say “The cat keeps sitting on my face” but it just wasn’t coming out right.

Well, that’s my six totally-not-made-up facts. According to the rules of the game, I’m supposed to tag six more blogs. Unfortunately, since I’m the second-to-last person in the world to get tagged, everyone else has had a go.

So stuff the rules, folks! If you fancy posting your own ‘Six Amazing Facts’ on your own blog, website or even works notice board, here’s your invitation! Send me your link and I’ll feature you or send you a cake or something. It will probably be a feature rather than a cake. But you never know.


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