Bad Santa – Tiggy’s Terrible Christmas Gifts
If there’s something I hate more than the taste of chalk, it’s buying Christmas presents. I’m great at buying gifts for myself – I know exactly what I want and I’m never disappointed with the colour or quality.
But I’m clueless when it comes to friends and family. No matter how hard I try, I always end up buying the wrong thing and have to witness that familiar grimace as they open their unwanted gift.
This year I’ve decided to go one better and deliberately buy the worst gifts I can find. That way, no-one will be any more disappointed than usual, and I can have some fun.
Power Juicer
It looks great on the TV, doesn’t it? You fill it with fruit and vegetables and it squirts out a healthy refreshing drink! The drink may be fluorescent green and smell like cabbage, but hey, think of the health benefits!
A juicer is a truly terrible gift. It says “You look like shit! You stuff your face with fast food all day – your body must be crying out for nutrition! You obviously have no idea how to cook, so here’s a machine you just shove fruit into. Think you can manage that?
You’ll have to gulp a glass of freshly-squeezed broccoli every time I visit, just so I think you love your gift.” Ha! Add a Spa day voucher if you feel really cruel.
Glass Clown
If there’s one thing worse than a real clown, it’s a delicately crafted, multicolour Italian glass clown. Yes, from the country that brought you Ferrari and Michelangelo, Italy has now added gaudy deformed ornaments to their prestigious list. Why? Did a glassblower wake up one morning and think “Hey! I mak-a ma fortune by blowing a clown! Bellissimo!” A sad day for Europe.
This gift says “I’ve thought of the most unattractive, scary figure I could think of. I’ve had it made from psychedelic glass that clashes with everything you own. I’ve had it flown all the way from Italy. Because I’ve put so much effort into this gift, you will have to display this monstrosity in the most prominent place in your house. I am then going to buy you one every Christmas for the next 20 years.”
Embarrassing CD
I’ve been the recipient of many cringeworthy discs in my time – some of my relatives must really hate me. Any serious music fan is going to be seriously offended by offerings such as this:
Just be sure you don’t purchase something that is so bad, it’s good. It just has to be really bad.
Your musical gift of love shouts out “This CD shows how little attention I pay to your musical tastes. This CD is going to stand out in your serious music collection like a glowing pus-filled boil. Put it on now! Put on your dancing shoes and boogie on down, party boy! Rahahahh.”
Pet Gifts
It’s fun to irritate a new mother by buying baby-related gifts on her birthday. So why not buy pet gifts for your animal loving relatives? A box of snacky bones or a scratching post is totally useless to them, but their furry friends will love you forever! It’s like stretching one gift to two recipients. Brilliant.
This gift says “I know your pet is the only thing in your miserable life that loves you, so I’ve decided to reward him, the poor creature. You’ll now have to spend Christmas feeding your gift to the dog.”
Balloon Ride
Nothing says “I couldn’t be bothered to think about your gift” more than a free ride in something. And a balloon ride is the worst trip of all. On the face of it, a graceful and romantic balloon ride sounds like fun, but as far as I’m concerned it’s dangerous, scary, pointless and, did I mention dangerous? At least with skydiving you get a parachute.
This gift is great for unpleasant elderly relatives. It shouts “A trip of a lifetime – I hope so, because you won’t be around for another one! Once you realize you’re standing in a picnic hamper 10,000 feet above ground held up by a bag of air, those long-overdue heart palpitations might finally kick in! By the way, can you leave me that antique vase in your will?”
Follow these tips and your Christmas shopping trips will be a breeze! For more inspiration, head over to Shopping Bizarre for more ridiculous gift ideas!
Having personally witnessed hundreds of balloon flights, I would have to say that 10,000 feet would be a little on the high side. LOL
DeadRooster’s last blog post..Morning Hair This Fabulous MUST be Shared with Readers
THere’s nothing wrong with Boys Town Gang and some man love disco, lol!
I hate you. I really really hate you…
OK, I don’t really hate you but, please, don’t give me anything.
Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..Phenomenal Cosmic Power
The worst gift I ever gave to another human was not meant to be bad. I really thought I put a lot of thought into it. The holiday may have been wrong, father’s day, but the intent was good. I actually gave my dad two, not one but two wooden toilet seats. I gave them because he liked the look of the wood but the ones he had were old and had cracked so each time anyone sat on them they would get pinched. He was also the kind of guy that had EVERYTHING and I was simply out of any better idea. I really meant well. He was not amused in the least.
Jen’s last blog post..Emily the Caterpillar
Clowns aren’t that bad, I’ve worked with many in the circus. They were perfectly well-behaved after I’d kicked them in the arse. How about getting someone a tin of fake bogies?
Gorilla Bananas’s last blog post..Toefu
I have received a hot air balloon ride as a Christmas gift in the past; the thought of shooting 1000 feet into the air, not even strapped into the wicker laundry basket terrified me. But when the day finally came around & I got to experience it, it turned out to be one of the most amazing & fun things I have done. I would do it again for sure! However, I know that this is not a gift that everyone would appreciate.
Rooster: The higher, the better I say. At what point does the air start to get very thin?
Jeff: If that’s your bag, then, umm, you’re free to keep it.
Stephanie: Congratulations! You’re the 30,000 visitor to Tiggyblog!! Your glass clown prize is on its way to you.
Jen: That is a gift (or two) from the heart. To the arse. Brilliant!
Gorilla: What do you mean, fake?
Melba: Hey there Melba! Glad you lived to tell the tale. Just promise me you won’t ever, ever do it again.
Man, that sounds like an awful lot of work.
Why not just buy ’em all chalk-flavored lollipops, and then they’ll each know exactly how you feel?
Great gift ideas. Thanks. I’ve been wondering what to get for those that I don’t like anyway.
Joe’s last blog post..This Bank Can Not Fail
Pregnancy scares make for pretty shitty Christmas presents. Especially when you announce it during balloon rides.
Is it OK if I send the clown back? In pieces?
Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..Stealing with Style…
Now I’m beginning to wonder about the herbal-smelling gift under the tree that Gus and Prudence can’t stay away from. Did someone get me catnip? Am I really a loser?
JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Faked a Concussion so you don’t have to
Charlie: I like your way of thinking.
Joe: Glad to be of service! And if you find any of those items under your Christmas tree, you’ll know where you stand.
Zeph: True, although you are giving the fearful father-to-be an easy eascape route. Over the top of the hamper.
Stephanie: Oh dear, did a carelessly-placed baseball bat fall on it? Happens a lot round my house.
JD: That herbal catnip-smelling gift is ‘legal high’ herbs. Someone couldn’t even be bothered to stand on a dark street corner and score you the real thing! Phhh.
Do you know the worst song you can ever play for an Italian Glass Clown? “You Deserve A Break Today”
stumblelove sent your way
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I love the dog biscuits for the dog owner! Especially for the person who talks incessantly about their dogs and whose dogs are always sniffing your crotch when you come over.
For me a balloon ride would be awesome! Jumping out of a plane would be even better. The worst gift of all for me is a FRUITCAKE! Now that tells me they hate me.
ettarose’s last blog post..Collective Ruminations Part Two
🙁
I guess my family loves me.
Every year I wish for a juicer and a spa gift certificate, to no avail.
I guess you cannot go wrong with flannel pajamas for the ladies hey?
Oh, and my personal fav…cheap jewellery purchased off a late night commercial…tell the lady it’s authentic diamond and wait for it when she attempts to show off at work by attempting to cut glass!
Any takes on the originality of my Christmas gift ideas hmm?
Xmas present FAIL! Love it!
This is nuts – I LOL’d at the top of my lungs!!
Hmm the worst gift to present, in my opinion baloon flight maybe really the worst one, because I really scare heighty places
My favorite Christmas gift is none other than a kiss and a hug 😉