Hope I Die After I Get Old
I’m looking forward to being old. Life so far has not been as exciting as I hoped. I was too weird to have enjoyed a flirtatious carefree youth and I’m spending most my adult life sitting in traffic queues and being thrown out of cocktail bars. I’ve decided my twilight years are going to be the best of my (fast diminishing) life. I’ve only got 50 years to wait! Well, 45. All right, maybe closer to 40. Bugger.
I hope my family dumps me at the doorstep of the local seniors’ home the day I reach admission age. Senior homes may be like prisons with flowery curtains, but think of the benefits! Three square meals a day, lots of TV to watch and uniformed helpers to cater to your every need.
I imagine by the time I’m old they will have senior homes in space – Heaven’s waiting room in the heavens. Being weightless will help us old folk move around easily and I’m sure the boffins will have invented some sort of magic space lemonade to keep us fit and regular.
Me and my old-timer chums can float around the TV lounge all day watching remastered 3D holographic movies from the old days. We’ll hovver around sucking Werther’s Original Magic Mushrooms (drugs will of course be legal by then) and watch classics like SAW IIV and Debbie Does Denmark.
Hopefully boffins will have invented an interactive virtual reality pod too. We can indulge our fantasies and have some senior sexy time with holographic stars. Oohh virtual George Clooney, just wait until I get out of this prosthetic brace and we’ll have some fun!
Pumped up on magic space lemonade and as many Werthers Originals we can get our wrinkly hands on, life will be one big senior home house party (at least until bedtime at 7pm).
Old Mr. Jay-Z Johnson in his pimped out wheelchair can provide entertainment with ditties from the good old days. “Oh, ma bitch! Ma Ho! Shake ur Ass, bitch!” he will croak as his blinging gold false teeth rattle inside his bony head.
Maybe devilish geriatrics Mr. Rose and Mr. Slash will wake from their afternoon naps and treat us to some old-fashioned guitar shredding and arthritic-foot-tapping rock tunes. As long as they keep the noise down.
We have nothing to fear from old age! It’s going to be a fogey-fest of liquid meals, happy pills and moaning about how today’s youth don’t know they’re born, the old days were much better. First one to the stair lift gets a go with Virtual George!
oh yeah! I’ll definitely take some that Werther’s shroom and George Clooney action! woot! I’ll even supply a geriatric stripper pole. 🙂
chat blanc’s last blog post..Curiosity killed the Cheshire Cat
Yeah, nursing homes seem like a hotel at times. I still haven’t reached the point you’ve reached though…but I will. Soon.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel’s last blog post..Ahoy Matey!
One thing that I’m looking forward to in my old age: lacking sufficient sentience to realize how bad things are for me at that point.
I don’t know how old you are, but judging from the number of years you think you have until your twilight years (even taking your least optimistic estimate) I suspect that I’m MUCH closer to that point than you are. Maybe I’m already there. How the hell would I know? Nonetheless, I don’t think that technology and drugs will be anywhere near as advanced for me when I’m carted off to the seniors’ prison as you think they will be for you. Then again, maybe they already are that advanced and maybe I’m already there. How the hell would I know?
Joel Klebanoff’s last blog post..In Praise of Greed
I’m looking forward to magic lemonade and Werthers Originals already!
Dear God let me live long enough to watch Saw IIV. Preferably in space and on shrooms.
As long as the lemonade doesn’t have large doses of Viagra in it. Who needs perverted old men with priapism interrupting my movie watching???
Chelle B.’s last blog post..The "Name This Nasty Crap!!" Offensive
Hope to see you at the L1 Orbital Station. And imagine the benefits of weightlessness to aging joints and muscles, not to mention the other possibilities in a low-G environment. I hope I live long enough to be around for all these things.
Chat: A stripper’s pole! What fun. Although don’t foget to put down a non-slip mat. And maybe a winch.
Mary: Soon. Very soon.
Joel: Good point! By the way, your zipper is undone. And you’re dribbling.
Evil: The only reason I’d eat a Werther’s Original is if it had psychedelic properties. I see no point otherwise.
JD: Old age has suddenly lost its sting, hasn’t it!
Chelle: The idea of floating, horny old men has lost its appeal!
Aoi: Other possibilites at low-G? Oooh, sounds saucy!
You have made me rethink the whole dying young thing in one post!!
thinkinfyou’s last blog post..My Sense of Humor Still Has Peach Fuzz
Thinkin: Dying young is overrated. Just think of all the parties you’d miss, and for what? To be remembered as eternally beautiful and not have to buy Tena Lady pants. Phooey to that!
As much as low-g has distinct advantages for the brittle-boned, being TOO regular in a zero-g environment has its own hazards. Just saying.
I always favored L4/L5 myself.
Stephanie Barr’s last blog post..An investment on several different levels
Hopefully Virtual George is one kinky bastard who’ll do whatever my artificial hip will allow.
Meghan’s last blog post..Wanna Know What Really Grinds My Gears?
My hope has always been that by the time I get old, that I have oodles of money so I can be considered eccentric and not senile when I lose my mind and start doing all kinds of crazy crap.
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..An Asshole Like Me
Don’t forget you’ll finally be old enough to go to all of those nifty cruiseship trips, where it takes forever to get anywhere, but that’s okay because all you want are the all-you-can-eat buffets and the Liberace impersonator in the lounge off the Lido Deck.
Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..Office Pranks, Pens, and the Shrinkwrap Trap
Stephanie: I hadn’t thought of that. Best keep the spacesuits on at all times, then! Eww.
Meghan: Just a thought, I wonder how old REAL George will be by then? Eww.
John: This is true, very rich gain the title ‘eccentric’. The rest of us mortals are merely labelled ‘suffering from Altzheimers’.
Jenn: I guess a cruise will be a good substitute for the senior home in space, and avoid those seepage issues Stephanie warned about. Happy daze ahead!
Hey I was reading through your blog, it’s pretty funny. I was wondering if you would want to share some of your content with a comedy site, or write new stuff. If this sounds like something you’d be interested in let me know!
Nick
spillyourself@gmail.com
http://spillyourself.com/
This post reminds me of what my grandfather said when he was visiting a friend in a retirement home, “I hate this place, there’s too many old folks here.” Ironically, at 94, he was probably the oldest person in the building.
I figure that I’ll end up being like him, staying active and working as best I can rather than sitting around waiting for someone to throw dirt on me.
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