Tag: animals

Tiggy’s Shopping Bizarre – Teach Yourself Taxidermy Kit

Stuff it and see!

Tired of paying $$$ to Bob’s Taxidermy for your road kill trophies? Simply stuff it yourself with this awesome DIY taxidermy kit! It contains all the tools and plastic sheeting you need to learn the ancient art of mammal mounting.

* It’s easy when you know how! With a few careful incisions remove soft tissue, mucus and entrails from your subject. Stretch the remains around a mould, pop in some eyes and presto!

Your friends will be so impressed they’ll be lining up at your door with piles of fresh kill just dying to be immortalized!

* Don’t let the beloved former family pet rot away in a hole – the best monument to your pet IS your pet! Fluffy or Rover can now sit loyally on the fireplace or bookshelf forever.

Help your kids through the grieving process by letting them help with their dead pet’s taxidermy treatment. It will make a great school science project.


Tiggy’s New Job – Part One

Farewell crappy office job, hello adventure! I hope.

You know you’re bored at work when you spend the day stapling your hair to the desk for something to do. It’s time to leave when you start breaking wind just to annoy your fellow office workers.

But no more tedious office jobs for me! My future career is going to be exciting and rewarding with lots of free lunches and things to steal. Hmm, let me see…

1. Bar Manager

This sounds like a dream job! Late nights, free booze and cheery customers bloating their livers while swelling my coffers. A friend with a bar let me shadow him for the evening. I learned a few things.

Where in the Canadian Labour Code does it state the barmen have to be dressed?– Testing the liquor optics by sucking on them is not correct procedure.

– A rude and obnoxious diner is not to be advised that Tonight’s Special is Pan-Fried Fuck Off.

– ‘A round of drinks’ does not automatically include one for the bar manager.

– You will spend 85% of your time doing the accounts, 10% cleaning vomit from the ladies’ washroom and 10% re-doing the accounts because the numbers don’t add up.

Running a bar sucks! I know which side of the counter I’ll be staying in future.

2. Working with Animals
Apart from cats, I love all animals and they love me too. I would make a great Zoo keeper (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or racehorse breeder (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or veterinarian (apart from the poop, puke and fleas… ok, I’m not doing that).

There’s no better way to get to know animals inside out than a job at Bob’s Taxidermy! It’s like a petting zoo for bears, moose and ducks. Although the day did not go so well…

Well, I thought I'd captured the essence of poor Duke quite nicely.– No poop. But I’d forgotten about the blood, entrails and brains.

– Don’t poke a dead moose with a broom handle. Stuff will seep out.

– Offering to stuff Trapper Joe’s wife when she drops dead is not considered good customer service. Even if you offer a discount.

– Buckshot is difficult to extract from your own bum cheeks. Trapper Joe has a good shot.

Next time! Tiggy goes X-rated at an adult store and suffers on a movie set! Again!


Kitties Aren’t So Nice

Evil kitteh. Don't look into the eyes!

I’m about to be shunned by the entire internet. Friends will turn away and my readership will plummet. But before you go, dear reader, please hear me out (and to be fair, have I ever been wrong in the past?) How can I say this…

Cats are evil.

A familiar sight during my childhood.I’m sorry! I know many of you have cats and love them to bits. But they are the devil’s pet! I have been at war with cats for as long as I can remember. My earliest childhood memory is of being attacked by a grey furball that decided chewing a baby would make a nice change from a half-digested starling.

Fluffy the cat made my childhood a misery. That dastardly kitty tried to kill me when I was a toddler. It was Christmas Day and I was innocently watching TV, chocolate-smeared and engrossed in The Wizard of Oz. The scheming feline deliberately jumped on our enormous over-laden Christmas tree, bringing it crashing down on my head and plunging thousands of pin-sharp pine needles into my skull.
“Mummy!” I screamed for days after. “I want a dog!”

Owned.My parents eventually caved in and bought me a dog. That will teach that bastard cat. However, my parents plumped the most timid, scardey-cat Collie they could find.

Fluffy ruled poor Sniffles with a rod of iron. Sniffles waited patiently as Fluffy polished off his bowl of Doggy Chow. He slept soundly as Fluffy ripped the defrosting chicken to shreds and sicked up chicken bones around the house. He wagged his tail and lolled his big pink tongue as Fluffy pounced on my head and dug her claws into my eyeballs. So much for my canine protector!

So you see, I don’t have much luck with cats. Any other animal is fine. Put me in a cage with a man-eating wild creature and they’ll just lick my face. Here’s a real, it’s-true-and-not-Photoshopped photo of me with a crocodile.

Tiggy and Charlie the crocodile. Yeah, really smart.

See? I’ve tickled a crocodile’s belly and even stroked a bear’s paw (it was still attached to the bear). But put a wide-eyed little kitten in my lap and in less than a minute I’ll be dripping with blood and covered in cat fur.

There must be a way to make cats like me. Start smoking catnip? Toss kitty treats in my path wherever I go? Or accept that me and the feline world will never see eye-to-cat-eye and just buy a large shotgun?

And did I ever tell you about the time I got attacked by a Shetland pony…?

They have a worrying catnip addiction over at Humor-Blogs.com


Lock Up Your Bunnies – Rabbit Ripper on the Loose!

Ickle wabbits - cute, tasty and in danger!

Pity the poor fluffy residents of the Ruhr Valley in Germany. The area is being terrorized by a crazed rabbit ripper who breaks into hutches, decapitates pet bunnies and leaves a trail of fur and sobbing children in his wake. The Miffy-murdering scoundrel isn’t snatching his victims to make a nice stew, but disposes of their headless remains in playgrounds and pensioners’ gardens!

What can German animal lovers to do, apart from setting booby traps in the garden or locking poor Flopsy in the basement with a machine gun? Maybe residents should end their love of lop-ears and invest in fiercer pets that will give the Bunny Butcherer a run for his money…

One less jogger.1. Tiger – Who could resist this adorable bundle of stripy fur? You’ll never get mugged when taking Kitty for a walk – you could ‘clean up’ your local park by hunting down pickpockets, hoodlums and annoying joggers! It would give Kitty a good workout and save on pet food costs.

Just a tip, don’t let Kitty sit on your lap and dig his claws in.

2. Snake – Admittedly a fang-toothed venomous snake is not as cuddly as a rabbit, but you could knit him an armless wooly jersey to snuggle in. Snakes love to chomp on insects and rodents, so he could help with domestic cleaning chores by slithering around the house clearing up spiders and mice. Just make sure he doesn’t clear up any small children or puppies.

<Excuse to post cute pic of Knut goes here>3. Polar Bear – Those Germans went crazy for little Knut and Flocke, so just imagine the fun you’d have with your own polar pet! Polar Bears are easy to look after – just pop them in the bath tub with a bucket of blubber and let them splash away. Don’t forget to tell visitors you have a 1000lb bear in the bathroom before they use the facilities.

4. Stuffed Pet – Why not beat the Decapitator of Dortmund to it and purchase a dead pet? Simply pop into to Bob’s Taxidermy and peruse his selection of reconditioned rabbits. Stuff your stiff pet with explosives, stick it in the garden and wait for the Rabbit Ripper to come along … that’ll teach the fucker!

<Excuse to post cock-shaped carrot goes here>5.Vegetables – I know what you’re thinking: “Tiggy, you ginger lunatic, vegetables aren’t pets! Are you on drugs?” But think about it. A “pet” could be anything you have to love and care for. Prince Charles talks to his pet plants and he’s not mad at all.

And pet vegetables are easy to look after! They don’t need walking in the park (unless you really want to), they are perfectly house-trained and you’ll feel less guilty about chopping them up and eating them than you would your hamster. And a bloodthirsty serial killer isn’t going to slaughter a row of innocent veggies in your garden, is he?

Hopefully this horrible hutch-harasser will be caught and end up in a little cage of his own. For now, keep your bunnies safe and next time, buy a pet with a bit more bite!

Humor-Blogs.com loves all fluffy creatures.