Evil kitteh. Don't look into the eyes!

I’m about to be shunned by the entire internet. Friends will turn away and my readership will plummet. But before you go, dear reader, please hear me out (and to be fair, have I ever been wrong in the past?) How can I say this…

Cats are evil.

A familiar sight during my childhood.I’m sorry! I know many of you have cats and love them to bits. But they are the devil’s pet! I have been at war with cats for as long as I can remember. My earliest childhood memory is of being attacked by a grey furball that decided chewing a baby would make a nice change from a half-digested starling.

Fluffy the cat made my childhood a misery. That dastardly kitty tried to kill me when I was a toddler. It was Christmas Day and I was innocently watching TV, chocolate-smeared and engrossed in The Wizard of Oz. The scheming feline deliberately jumped on our enormous over-laden Christmas tree, bringing it crashing down on my head and plunging thousands of pin-sharp pine needles into my skull.
“Mummy!” I screamed for days after. “I want a dog!”

Owned.My parents eventually caved in and bought me a dog. That will teach that bastard cat. However, my parents plumped the most timid, scardey-cat Collie they could find.

Fluffy ruled poor Sniffles with a rod of iron. Sniffles waited patiently as Fluffy polished off his bowl of Doggy Chow. He slept soundly as Fluffy ripped the defrosting chicken to shreds and sicked up chicken bones around the house. He wagged his tail and lolled his big pink tongue as Fluffy pounced on my head and dug her claws into my eyeballs. So much for my canine protector!

So you see, I don’t have much luck with cats. Any other animal is fine. Put me in a cage with a man-eating wild creature and they’ll just lick my face. Here’s a real, it’s-true-and-not-Photoshopped photo of me with a crocodile.

Tiggy and Charlie the crocodile. Yeah, really smart.

See? I’ve tickled a crocodile’s belly and even stroked a bear’s paw (it was still attached to the bear). But put a wide-eyed little kitten in my lap and in less than a minute I’ll be dripping with blood and covered in cat fur.

There must be a way to make cats like me. Start smoking catnip? Toss kitty treats in my path wherever I go? Or accept that me and the feline world will never see eye-to-cat-eye and just buy a large shotgun?

And did I ever tell you about the time I got attacked by a Shetland pony…?

They have a worrying catnip addiction over at Humor-Blogs.com


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18 Responses to “Kitties Aren’t So Nice”

Cats are cool! What is wrong with you? Kidding, a lot of people don’t like cats and I always wished that I had a dog but I got given a crappy cat instead. It wasn’t even a new cat! It was some stray that mom found but I’m glad she did!

ohhhhh, those Shetland ponies ARE nasty, I know that first hand too. thus, I totally believe your woes with the kittehs. Although I did hear my cat Maxx snicker a bit while I read this. :-/

I’m sorry to hear about your lifetime of cat trauma, Tiggy. I hope you can find yourself the cute and cuddy alligator of your dreams who will enjoy curling up on your lap for these cold winter nights.

I’m very impressed with that photo of you and the ‘gator. And tho I am a cat lover to a ridiculous degree, I believe there is room on this planet for those who may disagree. Having said that, wouldn’t you like to give cats another try? I can ship Gus out to you for a visit. He can show you how to love again.

i feel your pain – literally

the wife came complete with a cat (i could have made a pussy joke but it seemed too obvious!)

Its EVIL, shave it and you’ll find 666 tatooed somewhere, it had nearly blinded the wife, slashed me so badly i needed stitches and isn’t toilet trained in any way……

a thousand apologies for my spelling there, i submitted before i proof read….

Two questions: 1, were those crocodiles actually alive? And, 2, if so, wouldn’t it have been great if you could have sent Fluffy to play with the crocodiles? In the unlikely event that Fluffy lived through that experience she’d probably would have been much more docile with you and Sniffles after the experience.

Awwww, poor Tiggy. What about lions, or tigers or bears (oh my). Well, we already know about the bears, and lions and tiger are just bigger version of the aformentioned kittehs, so I guess I don’t really have a question, now do I?

Crocodile withstanding…

…wimp!

Damo: Second-hand cats, they’re the worst! They always come with built-in attitude problem and lots of unpleasant skin conditions…

Chat: And if you think ponies are bad… cows. I could fill a whole blog with cow attack stories.

Jenn: Oddly enough, crocs have the softest, cutest little paws. No, really. It’s what I was thinking while that picture was taken (shortly before the “I’m drunk and I’m going to die soon” thoughts.)

JD: I’d gladly take Gus off your hands, but knowing the shipping between the US and Canada I suggest you pack a lot of kitty treats in his shipping box.

RLD: Divorce. It’s the only option.

Joel: No, the crocs were very much alive. They don’t move much… but ‘not much’ is quite enough for me. Fluffy would have slaughtered the poor things within minutes.

Margaret: I have stroked a lioness too! This all took place in Africa by the way. Their zoos are cool. No proper fences, lots of cheap beer. A great family day out.

C.: I’ll see you at the Afican zoo and we can play animal tag. Let’s see who is the wimp then!

Damn Tiggy I thought when you said the photo of you and the gator was real, that you were going to say it was of you feeding a cat to it! That would’ve been priceless and you would have been a goddess!

Cats taste like chicken.

Just sayin’

OOOOOOOO! Don’t tell Chat Blanc!

Why, it sounds like you have had more than your fair share of (wait for it) cat-astrophes, my dear!

Thank you, and good night!

Redraider: Am I not a goddess already? Dawww.

Joe: So does that mean chicken tastes like cat? How ironic.

Kirsten: Too late! She’s already on to me with her scratchy claws and questionable morals.

Lord Likely: Good evening to you Sir! Cat-astrophe – how jolly droll! Have you been hanging around with that young whippersnapper Oscar Wilde? I’m sure you’ve seen more than a few vicious pussies in your time.

I have 3 cats. Until the 2 kittens were born, the Mum cat was normal. Now they hate me. They have realised with their combined strength as one, they can defeat me. Evil? They are one step beyond.

Sorry but the only way to gain any respect from a cat is to learn to breath fire. Not stilt walking, circus style. Like King Arthur, dragon style. For some reason, cats don’t like to touch that stuff.

It’s true: I swear, they sit there and plot my downfall. No wonder my dog always tries to attack them.

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