As you know, nothing makes me angry. “Where are the rants, screaming and violent rage?” you often complain. I’m not capable of hateful thoughts, so my new guest poster, Lunenburg County Bugler’s star columnist Eddie McMayonnaise has volunteered to share his thoughts on things that make him want to smash things. Over to you, Eddie.

Eddie is cross!“Oooh, I’m So ANGRY!” About Television!

I love television! It’s a great way to avoid talking to Mrs McMayo, who is quite the most tedious company. But do you know what makes an even worse sound than Mrs McMayo – that’s right, the television!

Why do computers on TV shows like CSI: Las Vegas make lots of noise? Does your computer bleep and twitter every time you press a key? Mine just goes ‘ping!’ and crashes. Why is Gil Grissom’s computer better than mine? How come it takes five seconds for his computer to descramble a blurred CCTV image of a suspect, match his face to his fingerprints, detail his entire criminal record and alert a SWAT team to the dumpster he’s hiding in? In five seconds my computer is still wondering if it feels like opening Firefox. Bah!

TV - isn't not very realistic, is it??Why do sounds sound different on TV? Not just computers, but fights. When a burly cop inexplicably downs all weapons and punches the bad guy, we hear this really impressive “Phhhhhwwwattt” as the baddie’s teeth disappear down his throat. When I punch someone, I just hear the gentle click of my fingers dislocating. Bugger!

How come on TV when two people are having sex, they don’t shout out stupid things as they climax, or giggle nervously and make squelching noises like everyone else? How come no-one ever falls out of bed, comes too soon or shouts “Gross! Suck it yourself, you perverted freak!” like everyone else?

And afterwards they just get out of bed, slip on their clothes and go for a coffee. They don’t clumsily search for Kleenex or fumble about with sloppy condoms. Why aren’t they sticky?

Ohhhh, the TV makes me angry now! I’m off to kick a charity worker. Toodeloo!


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8 Responses to “Guest Poster – Eddie McMayonnaise on Television!”

Lol! I noticed that on CSI too, those computers are too damn quick!!

Yep, commentluv has decided to hate me.

That answer, Mr. McMayo, is in the question. The folks on TV want you to feel unsatisfied with your life and look to their tiny box for fulfillment. Why is no one on TV dramas larger than a size 2 unless they’re going to jail later in the show? Why do women wake up in the morning with their hair perfect and their makeup on and unsmudged?

On the other hand, I don’t think I can take any more “reality” on TV. I can’t stomach what they have for reality NOW.

It really gets me how on tv there’s always a damn parking space right in front of where they need to go. Yeah, right. Now I’m so pissed, I could scream.

Mary @ Holy Mackerel’s last blog post..A Little Bit Of This, A Little Bit of That, and What Mary Needs

you know, now that you mention it, I think I’m going to up the excitement level in my life and integrate all the flashy movie and TV sound effects into my life. whirrrrr, bing!

chat blanc’s last blog post..Times have changed, evidently

Even the laws of physics are different in CSI. Ever seen a person shot in real life? They do not go flying backwards five to ten feet. Ever stood behind a car door while someone is shooting at you? Then you’re dead, because bullets go right through the thin sheet metal of a car door.
I’ll stop here. Don’t want to ruin the show for it fans.

Jeff: Hello there Jeff! I’m glad I’m not the only one to notice. See, I’m not nuts!

Stephanie: Good day to you! Mrs McMayo tried wearing makeup to bed – she saw them do it on TV, so assumed it must work! The next morning I awoke to find what I thought was Robert Smith from the Cure next me. Ack, what a horror show!

Mary: Hello! Good point. Did you notice how Magnum PI’s Ferrari was always sparkling, but did you ever see him take it to a car wash? Noooo.

Chat: Bonjour! I like to sit in front of my computer and make all the bleeping noises. It also keeps all my co-workers away, as they think I’m having a seizure! PING!

Aoi: Hallo to you! I’m curious – how many people have you seen shot in real life? Blimey!

I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.

Your blog rocks dude!

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