Office cubicle hell. It's like jail, only with more pay and less drugs.

Oh crap! Some dorky new intern has moved into the cubicle next to mine at work. He has a full view of my computer monitor and knows I’m surfing the internet all day instead of working. The little creep will probably rat on me to the boss before the day is out. I need to get rid of him. But how?

Hot Lunch: Instead of my usual bland sandwiches, I am going to start eating bean and jalapeno tacos, fiery samosas and raw herrings. I can use my desk fan to waft the eye-watering aroma straight towards the little twerp. And the effects of all this spicy food on my digestive system will be a bonus. This tactic worked well for my old apartment neighbours who would leave a pot of cabbage curry bubbling on the stove all day. Bastards.

My Friend Ratty: I must let my cubicle enemy know about the office rat. Watch out intern, he’s a vicious little bugger! I’ve seen him pissing on your keyboard once or twice (doesn’t rat piss make you go blind?) And then I shall clumsily drop taco crumbs all over the floor. Maybe I should invest in a real rat.

It’s Raining Spikes: Oh, I’m so clumsy! I’m always tripping over while carrying huge open boxes full of drawing pins. And that towering stack of paper leaning against the cubicle wall – whoops, there it falls! Sorry intern, are you all right under there? I hope I don’t stumble as I carry this large mug of boiling coffee.

Your boss isn't the only undead menace in your office!Ghost In the Machine: Hey intern, I heard your cubicle is haunted! The last guy who worked there was always complaining about flickering screens, catastrophic data losses and strange voices coming from the speakers. The IT department couldn’t work it out. Strange how the cops have never found that guy’s body…
I don’t know anything about hacking computers or causing electro-magnetic interference, but I’m sure I can inflict some damage with a screwdriver, a handful of drawing pins and a cup of rat piss.

Noisy Neighbour: There’s nothing more annoying than a stream of irritating noises coming from your cubicle neighbour. Maybe I should develop a hacking smoker’s cough, or a severe case of Tourette’s? Or maybe a more sinister noise like a creepy satanic chant? My weedy co-worker would flee in no time. Now, how does that Jihadi suicide attack prayer go?

My office now is a mess of sharp tacks, rotting herrings and rat piss. And the smarmy little fucker is still hard at work, oblivious to my spills, traps and random profane outbursts.

I quit!


18 Responses to “Cubicle Wars”

No, the key to winning it all is: sing!! Loudly, off key. And every chance you get, make sure you say “If you do it like this..” Pisses off my co-workers to no end, especially when I’m right..

nipsy’s last blog post..The Love Attention Quiz

Do it all at once. Start coughing and farting. Drop the boxes of drawing pins, laugh satanically the whole time you’re sprinkling magic rat turds on his keyboard. This guy may be weird though and fall in love with you after all of that.

office suck-ups are the worst. You did the right thing.

sam’s last blog post..How To Really Use ShamWow

I’m not working next to you, LOL!!

cubicles are the worst thing ever to enter the office. I remember a guy who loudly sipped his cup of soup everyday. I wanted to grab it and dump it down his throat.

lisleman’s last blog dance party party

I’ve found consistent, offkey whistling to be a strong deterrent. Or you could go with rat piss, it’s really a toss up.

Shawn’s last blog post..The Beautiful, Tragic Life of Mossman

Perhaps the idea on mentioning that the last 4 occupants have met an untimely death after making unsuitable comments to the big boss maymake him think twice about ratting. Or just tell him that they see surfing all day as a good thing and he should join you in doing it. Bring him in to the fold, and then blame him when you get caught!

Sy’s last blog post..More fun with Search Engine Results – Part 2

Do you know how hard it is to get a cup of rat piss? You do?

I’ll just back away then…

Stephanie’s last blog post..Food for Thought

I’ve always found sabotage to be effective when riding my life of unwanted pests. That, or you could load his computer up with porn.

How about loud personal phone calls sharing too much information, particularly related to the gastrointestinal status post-lunch?

Oh, wait, we’re trying to get him fired, not you…

Jenn Thorson’s last blog post..TV Commercial Mascots Fight For Personal Lives

Make him the gopher. That way, he won’t ever be at his desk spying on you.

ReformingGeek’s last blog post..Do Re Mi Mi Mi Mi…

Don’t wear deodorant from now on,or roll in roadkill on your way to work…it just might work!

thinkinfyou’s last blog post..The Battle of My Anus

Keep the ideas coming people! these are great. Unfortunately, I think my enemy has been looking over my shoulder while I’ve been reading this. He has started humming. And smelling.

Anyone know how to trap rats?

Fishy lunches always work like a charm. And the smell can linger for hours. It will drive them away in no time including those noisy bastards.

Carl’s last blog post..Price Is Right

You know, you could just actually do some work instead of trying to oust this poor intern so you can browse the web all day unnoticed…


John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..Boxlot Post No. 4

I like the hot lunch one. In fact, it’s something I might try… heheh

hindleyite’s last blog post..YouTube legend Jimmy O Neill at Hindley Car Boot

This sounds like a well thought out plan. You might want to buy some fake do-do though. Best of luck in ridding your office rat.

MadMadMargo’s last blog post..Wacky Wednesday! High Speed Internet, The Holy Grail

pretned to be on the phone to your physciatrist or remand social worker and starting saying the voices are back and urging me to KILL again, i would be able to control it but this new guy at work looks just like my last victim and i SOOOO need to cut his face off with some nail clippers. 😉 job done

rld’s last blog post..Bah Humbug

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