A long night of frustration, swearing and crying awaits.

I should have spent my weekend sitting in a hot tub getting drunk with naked men. Instead I spent it in front of my computer trying to remove a dastardly computer virus. I knew that Winner Notification e-mail from the Greenland Lottery Board was too good to be true.

What will those horrible hackers and malware madmen unleash next? I predict the following viruses will be crawling around your motherboard soon. Follow my handy antivirus tips to avoid total computer meltdown!

LOLworminfects your photo gallery and inserts improper comments on your treasured family photos.

Ur cumpooter, I haz fukkt it.

The damage from this virus is hard to erase unless you are a Photoshop genius. To avoid embarrassment, simply cut yourself off from family and friends.

DimSumDiallerCalls up your local Chinese take-out and orders $127 worth of egg rolls and pork dumplings.

A virus that orders take-out on your behalf could be beneficial, particularly if you are so addicted to the internet you have trouble leaving your computer. Hungry hackers are currently working on Taco Bell Trojan to create more culinary variety.

Pork SpamInserts random meat-related words into your e-mails as you type.

There is no way to delete this pesky virus, so you’re going to have to roll with it. Or is that sausage roll with it? You will somehow have to integrate meaty musings into your infected messages:

Spam spam spam spam spamity spam.

Your co-workers may think you’re on drugs. Just tell them you’re on drugs, it’s a lot easier.

eBay Yard SaleAutomatically lists the entire contents of your house on the popular auction site.

You won’t know this virus has hit until people start knocking on your door demanding your television, lawnmower and Everybody Loves Raymond DVD collection.
Look on the bright side, it’s a great way of getting rid of your useless junk. Do you really need that refrigerator?

PowerPornInserts random pornographic slides into your important corporate presentation.

Embarrassing picture suddenly appeared in your PowerPoint presentation? Don’t worry. No-one’s paying the slightest bit of attention to your dreary meeting. Those bondage domination pictures will be barely noticed, unless the guy in that rubber suit is your boss.

Spank me! Hurt me! Sir.

Cum On Feel The NoizeOverrides the ‘Mute’ setting on your computer while watching internet porn at work.

Silent sex show suddenly blaring at full volume? Mask erotic moans blasting from your computer by screaming even louder than those dirty porn stars. Wail loudly that a rabid raccoon is biting your leg. This will clear the office in seconds and save you from further blushes.

Plane Crazy – Transfers Air Traffic Control duties from the local airport to your laptop.

If you see this screen, don’t panic.

Like Flight Simulator, only with unfortunate consequences if you fail.

Think of it as the ultimate video game – simply stop the little planes from crashing into each other! Take a deep breath. Extinguish your joint and put down your beer. The fate of thousands of passengers and crew are in your hands.
Bet you regret not updating your antivirus now.

Oh DeerYour computer emits a low-frequency hum mimicking nubile does on heat.

Herds of aroused stags will appear in your garden, fighting, pooping and attempting to ruck their way through your front door. If you have a shotgun and a large barbeque, you’re in luck. If not, be prepared for a long night of deer sex.

If you stumbled across this post by Googling ‘deer sex’ I assume you either live in New Brunswick, or my nightmare virus predictions have already come true.
Log off, shut down and lube up.


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9 Responses to “Infected! Vicious Computer Viruses”

Hey, just checking in from New Brunswick. I found your blog completely unhelpful for my research purposes. But DAMN was it funny!

maybe it’s just the naughty kitty in me, but I’m kinda diggin’ the PowerPorn virus. never ever have a dull day in corporate America again! 😛

Tiggy, I refuse to put out my joint. Screw them planes!

Tiggy…………you are one funny person. Or maybe a little crazed? Peace, Mike.

That PowerPorn virus gave me a cold sore on my mouth. I now type while wearing a Hazmat suit.

I would eat all that Chinese food. So that virus wouldn’t be so bad.

Silent porn is boring.

Stumbled.

John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer’s last blog post..I Hate Christmas and Jesus Does, Too

I’m not sure if Stumble Upon took me here due to selecting computer categories or hunting. But either way, I’m building a honeypot for the Oh Deer virus.

I spent way too much time and effort getting my deer last year, so if I can just throw together a box from spare parts and put it on the back porch…I’m set. I guess the neighbors wouldn’t be happy with me shooting towards them. And the city has all those pesky laws. So it will have to be a laptop/netbook I can just turn on outside city limits…and then it will draw the tasty venison to me.

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