Tag: advice

Good Advice with Betty Lemons

Kiss kiss!Good day, dear readers! Betty Lemons here, giving advice on life’s little problems! My friends at the Ladies’ Institute tell me there’s a lot of troubled folk on the internet who would benefit from my wisdom.

So don’t fear, Betty is here! Here’s a selection of readers’ questions from my postbag.

Dear Betty,
My cat just died. I cry every day, as I miss Fluffster so much. What should I do?
Jack, Fredericton

Dear Jack,
Oh, what a to-do! As the owner of many cats, I have this problem all the time. When they stop meowing and start giving off that strange smell, I know it’s time to say goodbye! My poor old back gets sore from digging all those holes in the garden.

Find something to take your mind off your loss, my dear. Perhaps you could take up a sport, visit the library, or masturbate whenever you’re feeling down. Or become a volunteer at your local cats’ home – you will soon get used to working around dead pets, which will make your own loss easier to bear. Chin up, my dear!

Betty.

Dear Betty,
I just can’t get my Victoria sponge cakes to rise! What am I doing wrong?
Anna, Moncton

You'll be dribbling over this sponge cake recipe!Dear Anna,
What a sorry tale! There’s nothing worse than a soggy, flaccid sponge. I consulted with my friend Doris at the Ladies’ Institute; she recommends adding an extra egg, a teaspoon of ejaculate and a pinch of salt to the mix, just before popping it in the oven. It makes all the difference, she says!
Yum yum, enjoy your nice fluffy sponges!

Betty


Dear Betty,
Ever since I discovered mojito cocktails, my life has gone downhill. I just can’t get enough of them! It’s affecting my work, my relationships, and my looks. I don’t want to be an alcoholic, but I just can’t resist that minty flavour!
Gerald, Grand Falls

Dear Gerald,
Now my dear, you probably won’t like what I have to say, but you must stay away from those cocktails, otherwise it will end in tears! My friend Maude at the book club went through a similar battle, in her case it was those fancy vodka shots you snort up your nose… terrible business.

My dear, every time you feel yourself craving mojitos, drink something else instead, like a refreshing glass of lemonade, cock juice, or herbal tea. If you are craving the taste of mint, try dabbing toothpaste around the rim of the glass or penis.

Take great care,
Betty.

Well my dears, I don’t know about you, but my sack is empty. But no fear my loves, just post your questions in the electronic message box below, and who knows, Betty may be giving you some Good Advice next time!

Kiss kiss,
Betty


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Tofu and Other Stuff We Don’t Thinks Right

Meat! Meat! Meat!

It’s time for another Meat Beat with the Prince of Pork, Monty O’Drizzle!

Monty: Howdy, Tiggy fans! Now, me and Bobby don’t wanna get all riled up about other people’s eatins’. We know a lot of the internet folk and Tiggyblog fans are them homosexual liberal vegan types, and we respect that, hey? Jus’ don’t start invitin’ us to your parties or nuthin’, no offense. And the more vegans they is, the more meat fer us! Kinda works out, hey?

But I would like to talk to yous about foods that are just not right, see? They just ain’t men’s food. I mean, you ladies can eat them jus’ fine, and we know better than to tell you little ladies what to do, hey Bob?

Bob: Yes Monty, sometimes ladies take us the wrong way, don’t they? Like the nice lady you took out for dinner, but she didn’t realize she’d have to gut the main course herself.

Monty: Holy heck, all that cryin’ and screamin’ sure put me off a lady’s company, fer sure! Anyway Bobby, about this nasty food stuff we warnin’ the nice people about. This is our list of foods you shouldn’t be puttin’ in yer mouth.

Sushi - them's lady food!1. SUSHI
Bob: Monty and I don’t have anything against fish, of course! There’s nothing better than spearing a salmon or wrestling a swordfish for the grill. But we both agree that sushi is just… well…

Monty: Lady food, Bob, that’s what I’m sayin’! It’s all pretty colours and all itty bitty. And they want you to eat it with lil sticks! What the hell is that about? Them crazy Chinese.

Bob: Monty, the Japanese have a long history of sushi-making, it’s a very delicate art.

Monty: Art, Bobby-boy? Ya don’t fill yous belly with art! I’d have to eat five hundred of them piddy-tiddy things just for starters. And if yous wanna eat raw, there’s nuthin’ finer than the insides of a freshly-shot deer. You try eatin’ that with fiddly lil sticks, hey?

2. TABOULI
Monty: Bobby, I have no idea in holy hell what a tabouli is. Is it like some kinda moose?

Bob: No.

Monty: Then I ain’t interested. Is it some kinda squirrel?

Bob: No.

Monty: Then I ain’t interested. Does a tabouli have a look a fear in his eyes as he sees yous aiming fer his heart?

Bob: No Monty, tabouli is a mix of bulgar wheat, parsley and spices. It’s like a salad.

Monty: Holy heck Bob, don’t let that salad stuff near me. Might turn me all homosexual, like my brother Mike. He’s a big homosexual, but he sure loves his meat, so he’s all right with us, hey? Our momma was not happy when she found out about Mike likin’ them hairy sailor types that…

Bob: Anyway Monty, maybe we should look at the next item on our grocery blacklist.

Tofu! No! Puddit down, folks!3. TOFU
Monty: Now, I’m not one to go swearin’ in polite company, but what the freakin’ hell is tofu for? Tiggy says it’s a good meat replacement. Did ya hear that, Bob? Meat replacement? I don’t think I even understand what them two words mean together.

Bob: Some people substitute tofu for meat in their diets when they are trying to lose weight, Monty.

Monty: Why the hell you wanna go lose weight? There’s nothin’ finer a big meaty man, that’s what men should be like, hey? And Mike would agree on that too.

All you obese Tiggyblog fans out there, you takes my advice and get yerself a huntin’ bow. You’ll get some good exercise runnin’ round the forests chasin’ and killin’ some nice healthy food.

Bob: Amen. Next on our list is tempeh.

4. TEMPEH
Monty: Bob, are you makin’ this stuff up? That’s not a food, that’s some place in Florida! Man, yous been breathin’ them fumes from the barbecue.

Bob: Monty… oh, never mind. The last item on our shopping list is tomato.

Death by tomato. It ain't pretty!5. TOMATO
Monty: Now, red is a nice colour when it’s seepin’ outta a fresh kill. But you don’t wanna be go puttin’ them big red tomatoes in your mouth! You know how they grow them? And I wanna apologize to the ladies here, but let me be candid bout this – they grow them outta a big pile of shit! Yep, you heard straight! Poop!

And we don’t like poop, do we Bob? Ya can’t eat poop, not even if you barbecue it. We tried it once, but it weren’t so good.

Bob: No Monty, the only acceptable way to eat tomato is in tomato ketchup. No barbecue party is complete without it.

Monty: Not me, Bob, I ain’t touchin’ tomato ketchup! I’ll just have the regular ketchup thank you.

Bob: But Monty, ketchup is…

Monty: That’s enough yappin’ Bob. Now, y’all noticed a lot of nasty food starts with the letter ‘T’? That’s somethin’ to be aware of next time yous in the grocery store. Jus’ avoid all food products startin’ with the T. Jus’ to be safe, hey?

Bob: What about turkey?

Monty: Oh yeah, turkey. But that’s kinda like a big ugly chicken, so you okay with that.

Bob: T-bone. Tenderloin. Tripe. Trotters.

Monty: Yeah, technically they begin with ‘T’s but, oh, Bob, jus shut yer shute and fire up the grill, hey? I’m gonna strap on some steaks and exorcise them tofu things from my mind.

Bob: You mean ‘slap on’ some steaks, Monty?

Monty: Sure I do Bob, that’s what I jus’ said! See y’all next time folks… an’ watch out for them taboulis!


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Testing, Testing: Tiggy’s Mock Exam

Be prepared with Tiggy's exam help!

Examination season is upon us! Except for me; I always pay someone else to take my exams. Being the helpful sort I am, I have compiled a series of pencil-chewing mock exam questions for you to try out. Hopefully you will find the exact same questions when you turn over your test paper!

You have three hours… no talking, eating or bleeding.

Good luck!

MATHEMATICS
1. Assuming an average erect penis is 5.25″, how many members of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team would be able to sign their name on one penis before they run out of space?

2. A car is travelling at 130 kilometers per hour. A police officer has 6 minutes to wait before being served at the Tim Horton’s drive-thru. How long will it take for the cop to finish his coffee and apprehend the speeding car?

3. A Somali pirate has slashed your throat after seizing control of your ship.
Assuming a bleed rate of 58ml of blood per second, how many minutes will you wreathe on the floor in agony before succumbing to your injury?

4. An Amsterdam prostitute charges €50 an hour for services rendered. At an exchange rate of €1 to $1.37, calculate the cost of a 7 minute blow.

5. Scholars insist 3 into 7 won’t go. Make it go.

Chartists - Gay or Nay?HISTORY
1. Did the 19th Century Chartist movement represent a major challenge to the English political system? Or was it all just a bit gay?

2. “Peas in our time.” Discuss the political impact of frozen vegetables on the 1948 Berlin Blockade.

3. The construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza – How dey do dat?

4. With reference to the socio-economic hypothesis presented in Das Kapital, if Karl Marx was an ice cream, what flavour would he be?

5. Explain the main issues behind the Great Papal Schism of the 14th Century, in a French accent.

PHILOSOPHYBe prepared for the inevitable Meat Loaf question!
1. Meat Loaf would do anything for love, but won’t do that. Explain what you think that thing is he won’t do.

2. “‘Tis is better for a man to be noble and impotent, than be ignoble and have a really hard cock.” Discuss.

3. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Explain.

4. “You’ll be saying ‘Wow’ every time you use it.” Examine this statement a) in relation to ancient Greek Sophist theory and b) with reference to Aristotle’s assertion that a Zorbeez was a lot better at mopping up cola spills.

5. Why is Richard Simmons? Discuss.

BUSINESS STUDIES
1. Your business can save $1,000,000 a year by transferring production to an African sweatshop. Give five reasons why having small children working in your factory is actually for their own good.

2. A competitor has copied your product and has flooded the market with a cheap imitation. Explain how to counter the threat using a) revised marketing strategies b) legal action and c) a dirty hooker and a video camera.

3. Wholesaler #1 has 55 grams of poor quality Kush, whereas Wholesaler #2 is offering 28 grams of premium Moroccan hash. The wholesale price for both is $13 per gram. Assess the best value deal for your clients.

4. Customer profiling reveals that 57% of your customers are male, aged 35-50, with a preference for large hairy men. Explain how this will affect your forthcoming advertising campaign.

5. Discuss how the stock market crash of 2008 affected commodity values of a) oil, b) puppies and c) Meat Loaf.

Time’s up, pencils down. So how did you do? I’m guessing not so well.
Don’t despair, hopeless exam flunkers! Trump your tests the Tiggy way, with my new study guide Math, Marx and Meat Loaf – only $19.95, available from all good pet stores.


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Cubicle Wars

Office cubicle hell. It's like jail, only with more pay and less drugs.

Oh crap! Some dorky new intern has moved into the cubicle next to mine at work. He has a full view of my computer monitor and knows I’m surfing the internet all day instead of working. The little creep will probably rat on me to the boss before the day is out. I need to get rid of him. But how?

Hot Lunch: Instead of my usual bland sandwiches, I am going to start eating bean and jalapeno tacos, fiery samosas and raw herrings. I can use my desk fan to waft the eye-watering aroma straight towards the little twerp. And the effects of all this spicy food on my digestive system will be a bonus. This tactic worked well for my old apartment neighbours who would leave a pot of cabbage curry bubbling on the stove all day. Bastards.

My Friend Ratty: I must let my cubicle enemy know about the office rat. Watch out intern, he’s a vicious little bugger! I’ve seen him pissing on your keyboard once or twice (doesn’t rat piss make you go blind?) And then I shall clumsily drop taco crumbs all over the floor. Maybe I should invest in a real rat.

It’s Raining Spikes: Oh, I’m so clumsy! I’m always tripping over while carrying huge open boxes full of drawing pins. And that towering stack of paper leaning against the cubicle wall – whoops, there it falls! Sorry intern, are you all right under there? I hope I don’t stumble as I carry this large mug of boiling coffee.

Your boss isn't the only undead menace in your office!Ghost In the Machine: Hey intern, I heard your cubicle is haunted! The last guy who worked there was always complaining about flickering screens, catastrophic data losses and strange voices coming from the speakers. The IT department couldn’t work it out. Strange how the cops have never found that guy’s body…
I don’t know anything about hacking computers or causing electro-magnetic interference, but I’m sure I can inflict some damage with a screwdriver, a handful of drawing pins and a cup of rat piss.

Noisy Neighbour: There’s nothing more annoying than a stream of irritating noises coming from your cubicle neighbour. Maybe I should develop a hacking smoker’s cough, or a severe case of Tourette’s? Or maybe a more sinister noise like a creepy satanic chant? My weedy co-worker would flee in no time. Now, how does that Jihadi suicide attack prayer go?

My office now is a mess of sharp tacks, rotting herrings and rat piss. And the smarmy little fucker is still hard at work, oblivious to my spills, traps and random profane outbursts.

I quit!


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