Chelle B. of Offended Blogger and Humorbloggers fame has started a campaign to Save Greenland. She is attempting to haul Greenland into the 21st century (or at least the 20th) by drawing international attention to the country’s lack of internet access, hot women, nail bars and Dairy Queen restaurants. Or something like that.
In my attempt to help the cause, I’ve spent literally minutes searching the internet for fascinating facts about this frigid land. I couldn’t find any, so I’ve made some up instead.
1. Greenland was discovered by Viking explorer Erik the Red. Being ginger-haired, Erik didn’t have many friends, so he encouraged folks to immigrate to his new land by giving it an appealing name. The new inhabitants of Freewhoreland were to be disappointed.
2. Many wars have been fought over Greenland as countries have attempted to palm it off onto their enemies. Norway tricked the Nazis into annexing it during WWII. Hitler was so enraged he ordered the Luftwaffe to bomb Greenland out of existence.
Unfortunately the Luftwaffe couldn’t be bothered and dropped their payload on England instead, leading to an escalation of the war and many more years of misery. Thanks for nothing, Greenland!
3. The Queen of Greenland is Denmark’s Margrethe II, but she doesn’t like to talk about it.
4. The Greenlandic alphabet consists of only the letters Q, L and T. By law, every word must contain a Q. Interestingly, the letter B is banned due to its similarity to a pert pair of breasts.
5. Greenland’s national dish is frozen prawns. No cooking time required, simply pop an icy prawn in your mouth and suck until its little head pops off. Mmm, shrimpy.
6. Greenland’s capital Qptqqtl is both the world’s smallest and largest city! Every summer the ice sheet it sits on breaks up, and parts of the city drift hundreds of miles into the Atlantic. It is believed one part of Qptqqtl is now a suburb of Boston.
7. Greenland’s main exports are ice cubes, huskies and parts of Qptqqtl.
8. The Greenland national anthem, Qppt! Qlt! (roughly translated as Fuck Me, It’s Cold) goes like this:
Oh, the endless piles of snow
It’s the iceberg we call home.
We have everything we need
Except free whores, sun and weed.
We’d love to move to other lands
With their palm trees, sun and sand
We’d rather suck a husky’s cock
Than be men of Greenland stock.
It must bring a tear to every Greenlander’s eye.
9. Christmas day can be traumatic for Greenland’s gadget lovers. Because there are no trees on Greenland, locals have to put their presents under a large pile of snow. Great if you’ve asked Santa for a box of frozen prawns, not so good if you requested a Playstation.
10. With the onset of global warming, Greenland may disappear completely within 20 years. Oh well.
I’d love to donate to the campaign to “Bring tomorrow to yesterday’s Greenland today”, but to be honest I can’t be arsed. Good luck Chelle!
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