This is How Tiggy Relaxes on Vacation
It’s so hot! I must get into that swimming pool and wash off all this sweaty gooey stuff. Hmm, what’s that at the bottom of the pool? It looks like a dark brown shadow. Is it a leaf? Or is it…poop? It kinda looks like poop.
No, if it was poop it would be floating on the surface, right? Unless it’s old. Maybe it has been lurking in the pool for days. Or maybe it’s some really heavy shit, literally. Forget it, I’m not swimming around some crappy pool!
It’s a leaf, it must be. Look Tiggy, everyone else in the pool is splashing around and enjoying themselves. They all look respectable enough. Old ladies with flowery swimming caps doing laps, doting fathers splashing their young kids… no-one fits the profile of a sneaky pool-pooper.
But just to be on the safe side, observe everyone and look for tell-tale stains or guilty looks…
Oh for goodness’ sake, just get in the frigging pool! It’s 97 degrees and your sunburn is so bad it’s starting to crackle. It’s just a bloody leaf!
Oh look, an elderly lady is getting closer to it. Come on lady, closer, closer, COME ON you old bint, step in it for fuck’s sake! Bah, the silly old cow is swimming away. Maybe she saw it. Maybe it was her.
Oh good, a small child running along the deck. Maybe if I can push him in at the right moment… come on you little bastard… No, don’t go for ice cream, I need you for my pool shit analysis!
Maybe I’ll just get in the pool in and take a look; it’s the only way to know for sure. But if I’m already in the pool and it is poop, what then? I’ll be tainted! I could rush out and scrub down in the poolside shower… but God knows what I may find there… those dirty pool poopers can’t be trusted!
Doesn’t anyone else notice it? What is wrong with them? I’m sure I can see more poop. See that brown discoloration around the pool filter? Poop, it’s gotta be poop! I can see fecal matter everywhere! Oh my God, this pool is like a giant toilet! How can people immerse themselves in this SWAMP OF FILTH? What kind of hotel is this? I want to go home, I WANT TO GO HOME!!!
.
.
Oh, it is a leaf.
In my regrettably extensive experience, there is no “sneaky pool-pooper profile.” It could be anyone. It’s usually the old guy in the conveniently baggy trunks.
Before you determined it was indeed a leaf (are you SURE? Because some poo has leafy qualities), did you consider a candy bar? That famous scene from the movie “Caddyshack” demonstrated the silliness of assuming a smallish, brown, log-shaped object is poo.
Thanks for putting me off swimming forever. 🙂
You faced your fecal fear and over came it …… marvellous! Of course, everyone pees in pools but you can’t see that ….
You might want to drop the dosage.
Just sayin’.
Hey, did anyone see my baby Ruth candy bar?
This line…
“Oh good, a small child running along the deck. Maybe if I can push him in at the right moment… come on you little bastard…” May be one of the greatest lines I’ve read all year!
I tip my hat to you! You have renewed my faith in the blogosphere, at least until someone forwards me another one of those stupid LOL cats!
HAHA!!
Still, I HATE public pools. But that’s because I’m a freaky germaphobe who needs counseling.
JD: Old guy. Baggy pants. I’ll make a note of it.
Jeff: Glad to be of help!
Daddy: What do you mean… pee? Surely not??!
Stephanie: It’s funny, but the invisible custard squirrels said exactly the same thing.
LOTGK: Maybe the old guy in the baggy pants has it?
SiteInsights: Yay! Teh Lolcats, Iz owtfunneed dem! Oh, sorry.
Margaret: There’s nothing freaky about not wanting to swim in a pool full of bum nuggets.
Bum nuggets! 🙂
I love your blog. You’re funny, and you make me laugh. This poop-phobic post really made me laugh. I’d create an “Best of” award like other people do and send it to you, but I don’t know how to do that, so you’re fucked. Still, you’re very funny.
What would have been really funny was if it really was poop and you screamed and the lifeguard saw it and scooped it out and then they have to evacuate and completely drain the pool, which would have taken about a week and everyone would be pissed off because it’s so beastly hot and it would have been so satisfying to you because you would have been named the Poop Sheriff!
I think I’ll just go soak in a cool bath.
This rant is pretty funny Tiggy. I enjoyed every last minute of it. Is it poo or is it a leaf… too funny.
This may be why red-headed people need to not spend a whole lot of time in the sun.
The sunstroke. It’s known to cause hallucinations and paranoia, you know.
Jeff: You are so gross.
Mike: Thanks! It’s the thought that counts. I mean, I’d prefer the award, or perhaps cash, but whatever.
CatladyL: How awesome would that have been. Next time, I promise.
Bbrian: I like it when people use the words “pretty”, “funny” and “Tiggy” in the same sentence. Without using the word “cops” and “arrest”.
Jenn: This explains a lot. I shall buy a sun umbrella.
That is one reason why you will never see me in a pool. Poop is one thing. The other thing that is even harder to detect is pee in the pool. Only God knows what the kids do in the pool.
Sarah: Poop, piss, spit, other stuff, oh, oh, oh. Never again. Never.
Oh, leaves are so gross! Who knows where that’s been? The guy in the baggy trunks might have wiped himself with it!