Tag: music

Heavy Metal Love – Hair Bands Rock!

The Hair Metal Gods are watching! And Rocking!

I went to my first hair band gig last week, admittedly 20 years late. The aging rockers put on great show with their squealing guitars and screams of “Are you ready to ROCK?” Yes we were. Happily the middle-aged metal masters left their skin-tight spandex pants at home.

But when I was a kid, we treated those Hair Metal Gods with contempt and rejected their call to Rock. With their flying V guitars, bouffant hair and cheesy anthems, they looked more like psychotic Barbie dolls than hard-lovin’ macho rockers. Trying to be cool, we turned to The Smiths and those shoegazing guitar bands DJ John Peel told us to like. But did we make the right choice? Let’s consider the facts…

1. Style

Hair band: Musicians and fans alike dressed like it was Gay Parade Day every day, with glittering spandex, wild makeup, lumpy crotches and enough hairspray to destroy what’s left of the ozone layer completely.

Excuse me ladies/gents, which way to the Parade?

Indie: Only grey baggy clothes were permitted. We were too sad and lonely to bother brushing our hair. What was the point? No-one cared. Only Morrissey styled his hair, but he was probably doing it, like, ironically.

Spacemen 3 - No sparkly pants for them!

2. Lyrics
Hair band:

Rock You! Yeah! Woo! Not you fuckin' indie kids though.Gimme an R! O! C! K!
Whatcha got? ROCK!
And whatcha gonna do?

(Rock You – Helix)

Every lyric was about being ready to Rock, how hard they Rocked and how they were going to Rock all night. Other themes included hot ladies wearing lacy undies (also Rocking), rides in fast cars (while Rocking) and parties full of hot ladies, fast cars and Rock.


We only laugh when we see our bank balances.And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such as heavenly way to die

(There Is A Light That Never Goes Out – The Smiths
Sobbing – Tiggy)

All songs had to contain references to grief, grey skies, gravestones, girls in graves and gravy. Oh, maybe not gravy. That would have been way too colourful.

3. Gigs

Explosions! Women! Burning! Crotches!

Hair band: Every gig was packed full of explosions, fireworks, flaming guitars and thrusting crotches. Hot ladies in lacy undies would try to have sex with the drummer. While he was still playing.

Whatever you do, don't look up!

Indie: Every gig was full of kids shuffling and staring at the floor. Girls in the front row swooned over the skinny singer hoping he may cast a shy glimpse their way. Even the haze of marijuana smoke failed to lift our spirits because we weren’t supposed to be happy, dammit. And if we looked stoned and happy, we were just being, like, ironic.

4. Parties

Hair band: Ozzy and Axl’s barbeques must have been one awesome metal meat-feast with all those mangled bats, doves and pigs. Champagne poured by hot ladies in lacy undies! More coke than Amy Winehouse could shove up her nose in a million years!

Booze! Coke! Women! And it's not even brunch time!

Indie: Meat is murder, right? And you can’t eat when your heart is broken. Nothing but menthol cigarettes and a big bowl of despair kept everyone going. Besides, we had to keep skinny.

We're very sad.

Realizing I made a huge musical error in my youth, I have decided to make amends with the Hair Metal Gods and head down the Road of Rock. It looks like so much more fun!

Having said that, these lacy undies are killing me…


Sparkly spandex crotches are order of the day over at at Humor-Blogs.com

And don’t forget to head over to the spanking NEW humorbloggers.com – more fun than a boozy metal pool party! Probably!


Illegal Downloading is Naughty. Can You Live Without It?

Illegal downloads - its' the end of days, I tell you.

The music and movie industry is upset! Everyone is downloading from the internet, ripping CDs and movies to their iPods and making poor media executives very cross. We are hurting their feelings by recklessly buying their products then – the cheek of it – copying them to other devices without giving them any more money! It’s like buying a coffee and demanding another one free as a “backup” or to share with friends later. Trust me, this argument doesn’t go down well at Starbucks.

Fortunately governments everywhere are putting a stop to this nonsense. Soon all internet downloading will be banned, copying a song onto an iPod will mean 10 years in jail and as for buying a DVD and watching it on your laptop… all I can say is I’m glad we don’t have the death penalty in Canada.

Can you imagine a life without downloads, iPods or DVDs? What to do?

All together now - Smack ma bitch up...– Now your iPod is defunct, simply hire a busker to follow you around and play the songs you love. They only make $4 a day, so give them $5 and a list of tunes they have to learn by midnight. It’s a win-win situation!

– Dreams are often better than those rubbish DVD movies – and they’re free! Simply go to bed at 6pm and get ready for a night of entertainment. Eat some cheese if you crave a scary nightmarish thriller, or take some drugs for a mind-blowing pot-luck feature. You may dream up a movie so brilliant you can sell it to the movie companies and recoup some of the money you’ve wasted on their 3rd rate dross over the years!

Who needs Hollywood anyway? Nuhh.– Remember the movie Be Kind, Rewind where that podgy bloke from the Foo Fighters made his own movies? Be your own Hollywood superstar and film yourself starring in your favourite blockbusters! If you are a bit ugly you could try hilarious slapstick comedy. If you are more attractive or have large physical assets, movies of an adult nature could be an option.

– Listening to music or watching movies is a terrible time waster. Just think of the new hobbies you could try instead of sitting on your arse staring at the screen. Learn a new language, breed hamsters or even play the tuba! There are great resources online you can download and… oh, hang on.

Your new home!– If the RIAA is going to have to prise your iPod from your cold dead hands before your delete your illicit collection, consider becoming an outlaw! Run away from the authorities and form a commune in the wilderness with your fellow desperate downloaders. Away from the iron grip of the law you can indulge in other dangerous criminal behaviour like smoking indoors, making hash brownies and distributing photocopies of whatever the hell you like – there’s no copyright laws in your Republic. Awesome!

Follow these tips and you’ll never have to spend money buying overpriced music and movies again! Not that some of you were in the first place…

Their busker plays all the best ABBA hits over at Humor-Blogs.com


Tiggy’s Word Of The Day – REM

Shiny Happy People

      Athens Rockers REM are absolutely delighted to hear they’ve been featured on Tiggy’s Word Of The Day.

8. REM

Vegetarian band enjoyed by the elderly.

In the early days REM played gigs in greasy pizza joints and were paid in discarded crusts and shredded cheese. The following week they landed an $8 billion recording contract and bought a helicopter.

Interesting fact: lead singer Michael Stripe is a certified Taxidermist (but steers clear of doing fish as he can’t quite get the eyes right).

It is State Law in Wisconsin to play Everybody Hurts at funerals.