Tag: music

Hit Parade: Songs for Sewage!

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Music fans! Need to brighten up your miserable existence with a jolly jig or a dollop of jizzy jazz? Thank the Lord for Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Get jiggy with it!

Why? Why?

9. Music to Help Clean Up Stream Pollution By

Does your local river glow in the dark? Kiddies got the squits after playing in the stream? Grab your chemical suit and this eco-riffic folk album and prepare to go GREEN!

Features performances from vegan militants Angry Tofu, the very green Nelly Tinkle’s’ Bean Explosion and fish fanciers Axl Moby and the Dicks. Sing along as you sift out rotting fish and noxious algae!*

Organic free-range masterpieces include:

* Curd Is the Word
* Knit Me a Hemp Farm
* Crab on my Cock
* Die, Meat Suckers!
* Beans and Broccoli (Ballard of Pepto Bismol)
* Winkle on my Winkle

*Record player may not function outdoors; purchase long cable or diesel generator for optimum performance.

Next time on Hit Parade… a record that really is shit!


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Tiggy’s Hit Parade: Futuristic Folk Songs of the Future!

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Music fans! Confused by the choice at your local record store? Want to get ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ like all the cats at the local Hop? Or something? Check out Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Prepare to get all folked-up with this folking awesome LP!

OMG, space and rocket ships and folk!

8. Folk Songs for the 21st Century

The 21st century may seem like a long way off now, but think of the fun we’ll have in the future! Space travel will be as easy as catching a bus, holidays to Jupiter will be commonplace, and we’ll all have personal robots to cook our meals and provide intimate pleasure!

Star trekkin’ troubadour Sheldon has travelled all the way back from the 21st century to share his “folk of the future” with us! Hyperspace-hopping hits include:

* The Green, Green Grass of Alpha Death Star Z-71
* My Dirty Ro-Bo Ho
* My Lover From Venus, She Had a Penis
* Jizzy Spacesuit Blues
* A Piddle on the Moon
* Cock Rocket (That’s She Called Me)

Can’t wait 100 years for Sheldon’s next cosmic collection? Simply get yourself cryogenically frozen – make sure you defrost in time for his next out-of-this-world long playing album!

Next time on Hit Parade… songs to clean up river pollution by! No really. It’s an album full of songs to clean up river pollution by.

Look, I don’t record the bloody things.


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Tiggy’s Hit Parade: Pirate Pranks and Salty Seamen!

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Music fans! Need to brighten up your miserable existence with a jolly jig or a dollop of juicy jazz? Thank the Lord for Tiggy’s Hit Parade!

(Unfortunately, Tiggy doesn’t possess a turntable or any musical knowledge, so all reviews are entirely fictional).

Get jizzy with it!

Cock Pirates

7. Anchor’s Away! Captain Hook and His Pirates

Shiver me timbers and suck me cockles! You’ll will have a scurvy-licious time listening to the Cap’n and his hearty high-seas shanties! Real-life pirate Captain Randy Hook and his first mate Annie MacMuffin welcome you ‘all aboard’ their fantasy ship stuffed to the rafters with friendly pirates and barrels of booty!

Hook’s musical pieces of eight include:

* Pat the Pirate’s Special Sword
* Going Down on the Good Ship Molly
* A Stormy Night and a Rough Ride
* The Tale of Salty Seaman Jack
* A Jolly Roger
* Jig Around My Mast

Kids will also love the FREE eye patch included with this musical marvel, and give them hours of rollicking one-eyed fun. Arrrrrr!

Next time on Hit Parade: The space-time continuum gets all fucked up with a folk singer from… THE FUTURE!


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Eddie McMayonnaise… on Dead People

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eddie mcjpgThe Lunenburg County Bugler’s top columnist Eddie McMayonnaise shakes his fist and rants about all the things that would get him fired if he wrote about it in the Lunenburg County Bugler.

.As top columnist for the Lunenburg County Bugler I’m not usually one to snark about my fellow journalists. But on the other hand, it’s very easy and there is payment involved.

Have you noticed when the TV or newspaper reports the death of someone, it always says “He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, with his family and friends around his bedside.” Every time! What I’d like to know is:

I'm dead angry!– How come his family knew what time he was going to die, so they could all gather around his bedside?

– Or, had they been standing there for days, impatiently waiting for the old bugger to pop his clogs so they could read the will?

– Or, was there some kind of machine unplugging ceremony involved?
“Are we all here? Right, who wants to flip the switch?”

– Or, do newspapers… lie?
“He passed away at 7:00 am this morning, alone in the washroom with his head jammed down a urinal…” It just doesn’t have the same brevity, does it?

And how come when someone famous dies, we all have to pretend we liked them? “Oooh, I was such a big Michael Jackson fan!” cried my colleague the other day, as she wiped away a tear. “I loved that song he did with Paul McCartney, you know, Ebony and Ivory?”

For the record, I only listen to dead musicians. That way I won’t be disappointed when they don’t go on tour.

Oooh, it makes me angry! I’m off to HMV to lick all the Thriller CDs. Toodel-oo!


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