Tag: swearing

Tiggyblog is One!

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Birthday Blog Girl! Yay.

I love birthdays! It’s an excuse to do nothing at work, drink copious amounts of tequila and spend the night throwing up into a salad bowl. That’s how I like to celebrate anyway.
And Tiggyblog is one year old this week! And what a year it’s been…

My artsy adult movie project The Cock Whisperer attracted international media attention! It even made headlines on World Sex News. Looky here!

World Sex News breaking story!

Despite the international media frenzy, funding for the project was not forthcoming. Bunch of pussies!

Inflammatory post of the year dealt with the controversial topic of… fancy restaurant food. Indeed, I was subject to a barrage of fucked-up-foodie rants and hate mail, and branded a “redneck philistine” who probably drove a pick-up truck to McDonalds every day. Who’d have thought raw beef could stir up such emotions?

Undeterred by my previous film-making ventures, I managed to land a part in a movie! My stunning performance as “Princess” the hot executive was spoiled only by the other 230 people in the shot.

Birthday party at Hooters!And the hottest posts of the year? Thousands of you have become enlightened about that funny herb you can smoke, the wonders of cheese, a valuable collection of new swear words and my quest to become a Hooters girl. You people are weird.

And in response to the all Google searches I’ve had relating to my Hooters post, a) Hooters girls will not let you eat their panties, b) no, they will not hire you if you are over 200lb and c) performing sex acts with chicken fingers is not illegal in Alberta, as far as I know.

So a big thank you! to the 50,000 visitors to my site so far (could some of you please flippin’ subscribe too? I’m not charging ya) and the countless nutcases who have left messages. You guys are all lovely and probably very attractive!

Thanks also to the Humorbloggers, Jenn, JD, Chelle B., Lord Likely and all the other comedy-blog-persons I’ve probably annoyed over the last twelve months.

Tequila and salad bowls are on me!


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New Swear Words – Just For You!

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Never be stuck for swear words again!

Fuck. I’m so bored of that swear word. I use the same old insults every minute of every day. Fuck off, screw you, suck a swan, blah, blah, etc. These insults are getting old and tired!

Luckily for everyone, I’ve come up with a variety of new swears, insults and handy phrases you can use for your everyday rants and road rage showdowns.

1. Suck My Invisible Cock – This is a useful insult for ladies. Or men without cocks.

2. Dick Trap – a nice change from the usual slut or whore.

3. Twat Ratchet – Every mechanics’ garage should have one, and frequently does.

4. Go Fuck Toffee – Have you tried fucking toffee? It’s very difficult.

5. Frig Magnet – Not to be confused with the handy kitchen accessory.

Wankatron or penguin filler? Take your pick.6. Wankatron – A great nerd insult. You’ve spilled Cheez Whiz all over the file server, you wankatron.

7. Jizz Jockey – A bit like a Disc Jockey, only stickier.

8. Butt Frog – Not something you’d want to see in your local pond.

9. Mitch – A male bitch. Apologies to readers called Mitch, but hey, wouldn’t it be cool to have a swearword as a name?

10. Cock Doctor – OK, some people really are cock doctors.

11. Twot – Only very posh people should use this, like the Queen or Oprah Winfrey

12. Chimney Whore – I don’t really know what one of these is.

13. Fog Fucker – Have you tried fucking fog? It’s almost impossible.

14. Twatwagon – A great insult for the motorist. Why don’t you go join your rolling twatwagon of fog fuckers… Officer.

15. Nadbadger – A comparison to a testicle-loving woodland animal? Ouch!

16. Kiss My Colon – I’m sure I wouldn’t want to do that.

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me, Linux boy?17. Penguin Filler – Go fill a penguin, you wankatron. Another good insult for nerdy Linux fans.

18. Fuckerydoo – A game played by nadbadgers with the intention of pissing you off. My neighbour played fuckerydoo with the cops and busted my illegal puppy farm.

19. Sharkey – You’ll never hear this very rude word on TV, that’s for sure! For added impact, combine with Fergal – Nearly as bad as sharkey, but referring to a less moist orifice.

20. Jam Banger – Have you tried… oh, never mind.

So, next time some dicktrap driving her twatwagon full of screaming frig magnets rear-ends you, you can let the jam-banging cock doctor know exactly how you feel. Then you can tell that fergal sharkey of a twat ratchet at the repair garage to quit playing fuckerydoo and fix your car, otherwise he can suck your invisible cock. Fog fucker.

No, don’t thank me or send money for adding new swears to your lexicon. It’s just a service I provide.


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Tiggy Joins The No Cussing Club

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Swearing - not big or clever.

My language is often less than lady-like. I could give a 350lb Docker with a spade through his foot a run for his money in a swearing contest. I didn’t want admit I had a problem until I called my boss a cock pirate (to be fair, he took it entirely out of context). It was time to act.

Sign of Intelligence
I joined the No Cussing Club. Happy orange-shirted kiddies smiled at me from their website in encouragement. I too could a live profanity-free life! All I had to do was swear a pledge of allegiance (without swearing), buy an orange Club wristband and my potty mouth would be silenced forever! I couldn’t let the children down.

“I won’t cuss, swear, use bad language, or tell dirty jokes. Clean language is the sign of intelligence and always demands respect. I will use my language to uplift, encourage and motivate. I will Leave People Better Than I Found Them!”

I made it through the oath but as I tried to order my wristband my computer crashed. “Fuck!” I yelled, and realized I’d broken my pledge in under two minutes. “FUCK!” I exclaimed again as I realized I’d just said ‘fuck’. This was going to be tough.

Switzerland
The website suggested I try alternatives to swear words. Just use an everyday word, the first one that pops into your head. My friends began to wonder whether I was high on drugs as I randomly shouted out “Switzerland!” “Fudge Bucket!” and “Wooden Monkey Carving!”. The fact that these were the first words to pop into my head was worrying. Maybe the Club wristband was affecting my circulation.

I sounded like a Dictionary with Tourette’s and was becoming reluctant to speak in case I slipped up. I imagined tears running down the children’s orange glowing faces as I wrestled with my fudges and fucks. I had failed the No Cussing Club kids.

I’m sorry kids. It’s not that I have a limited vocabulary and don’t know lots of big clever words. But sometimes only a fuck will do. When you’re grown up and you put a spade through your foot you’ll understand.


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