Tag: words

Oh My God

Hey Tiggy... you're going DOWN!

Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God
Oh My God, Oh Your God, Oh His God, Oh Her God…
Pavement, “Shady Lane”

Do you believe in God? You would think I was a flippin’ nun, the amount of times I say “Oh My God!” And I’m not just talking about shouting it out during those sexy fun time moments. For such a cynical, probably-ex-communicated agnostic, I spend a lot of time referring to “God”. Have you noticed how many silly sayings are associated with the Big Guy?

Godspeed: How fast is that? For an old guy, I can’t imagine God is that fast. Maybe he has a chariot pulled by angels. Naked angels. If I was God, that’s how I’d want to travel.

Maybe he drives a Porsche. Can you get cars in Heaven? How would they get up there? When a car dies, does its oily little soul drive through the Pearly Gates? Or does Heaven have its own car manufacturing industry? So there are factories and manual labour… in Heaven? So much for lazing around on fluffy clouds eating Philadelphia dip.

On the other hand, if God is omnipresent he is already everywhere, so He doesn’t have to move at all. This phrase needs a rethink.

According to Jeffery 21:09, your soul will burn in Hell if you eat peas on Tuesday.God Botherer: One thing worse than a salesman (or a “corporate account executive” as they call themselves now) is a salesman selling God. They eagerly chatter on about Jesus and Good News and His Plan like it’s the first time anyone has told you about it.

You then waste ten minutes ranting about how you read the Bible but couldn’t follow the plot, got beaten up at Bible study as a kid, and how St. Paul said eating shrimp is evil but you like shrimp so stuff what he thinks… and all this time the God Botherer smiles and patiently waits for you to either convert or die of apoplexy.

Is hiring these dicks the best marketing plan God has? If I was God, I’d hire the most kickass marketing people I could, get some prime-time TV advertising going and perhaps sponsor a hockey team or something. It would be cool to be on a squad with God on your side, literally.

Godawful: The God Botherer told me God Is Love, so how can God be awful too? You mean he was lying? You could argue God is awful because he lets earthquakes and tsunamis and premature ejaculation happen. But isn’t that the fault of Mother Nature? So Mother Nature is awful! But she invented rainbows and baby rabbits and smokable herbs, so isn’t she good as well? I’m confused.

Here’s an idea I bet even the Pope hasn’t thought of – supposing God and Mother Nature are married, and are both behind this creation lark? It’s easy to see how trouble starts…

God: Damn you, woman, I told you not to fiddle with that storm cloud! You’ve washed away an entire civilization. I’ve been working on that all week!
Mother: You and your silly little human experiments. When are you going to do something useful, like clean up that oil spill in my ocean? Honestly, playing with tankers at your age…
God: Well if you hadn’t turned those stupid dinosaurs into oil, there wouldn’t be oil spills!
Mother: Dinosaurs were your idea!
God: Try telling that to those frikkin’ Creationists!
Mother: Do you want me to send a hurricane to sort ’em out?
God: Oooh, yes. There’s nothing good on TV tonight anyway… apart from the hockey.

Oh dear, I’ve taken God’s name in vain. Am I going to Hell? Good. It beats working in a Porsche factory.


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The Dreaded Office Greetings Card

Greetings cards - say what you mean.You’re sat at your office desk, minding your business and pretending to work when the boss shoves a greetings card in your face. Some office monkey you don’t give a crap about is leaving/having a baby/had the sense to clear off and get another job. And now the whole damn company has to sign a tacky greetings card. By the time the card reaches you, it is already full of witty and clever remarks.

Stuck for something to write? Here’s a few ideas.

Get well soon! Honest!

Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.

If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.
Let me know about the desk.

You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.

Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!

Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!

Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!

Don’t
Be
Long-
Our
Office
Doesn’t feel the same without you!

Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!

You're Leaving? Oh, boo frikkin' hoo.

Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!

Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.

Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!

Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!
Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.

The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!
To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.

A baby! Ewww.

Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.

Congratulations! What colour is it?

Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.

Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.
I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.

I’m so happy for you! As you watched that bloody, mucus-covered being spurt forth from your wife’s hideously stretched vagina, it must have felt like the most special day ever. Isn’t childbirth a miracle?

Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.

Congratulations on your little miracle! I can’t have children, so I’ll never experience the joy of that first smile. Some people have all the luck! And some of us will face our old age forgotten and alone. Some couples breed like rabbits, while us barren rejects are left to suffer having baby pictures shoved in our faces and hearing the same frigging cute anecdotes again and again in a torturous reminder of how useless we are. Bastards.

Every salesman's wet dream.

I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.

OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!
Seriously, let me know.

God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!

I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.
Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.

Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big blue eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.
I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?
XXX
John

Now when that office card drops on your desk, you’ll never be stuck for a comment again!

(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)


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New Swear Words – Just For You!

Never be stuck for swear words again!

Fuck. I’m so bored of that swear word. I use the same old insults every minute of every day. Fuck off, screw you, suck a swan, blah, blah, etc. These insults are getting old and tired!

Luckily for everyone, I’ve come up with a variety of new swears, insults and handy phrases you can use for your everyday rants and road rage showdowns.

1. Suck My Invisible Cock – This is a useful insult for ladies. Or men without cocks.

2. Dick Trap – a nice change from the usual slut or whore.

3. Twat Ratchet – Every mechanics’ garage should have one, and frequently does.

4. Go Fuck Toffee – Have you tried fucking toffee? It’s very difficult.

5. Frig Magnet – Not to be confused with the handy kitchen accessory.

Wankatron or penguin filler? Take your pick.6. Wankatron – A great nerd insult. You’ve spilled Cheez Whiz all over the file server, you wankatron.

7. Jizz Jockey – A bit like a Disc Jockey, only stickier.

8. Butt Frog – Not something you’d want to see in your local pond.

9. Mitch – A male bitch. Apologies to readers called Mitch, but hey, wouldn’t it be cool to have a swearword as a name?

10. Cock Doctor – OK, some people really are cock doctors.

11. Twot – Only very posh people should use this, like the Queen or Oprah Winfrey

12. Chimney Whore – I don’t really know what one of these is.

13. Fog Fucker – Have you tried fucking fog? It’s almost impossible.

14. Twatwagon – A great insult for the motorist. Why don’t you go join your rolling twatwagon of fog fuckers… Officer.

15. Nadbadger – A comparison to a testicle-loving woodland animal? Ouch!

16. Kiss My Colon – I’m sure I wouldn’t want to do that.

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me, Linux boy?17. Penguin FillerGo fill a penguin, you wankatron. Another good insult for nerdy Linux fans.

18. Fuckerydoo – A game played by nadbadgers with the intention of pissing you off. My neighbour played fuckerydoo with the cops and busted my illegal puppy farm.

19. Sharkey – You’ll never hear this very rude word on TV, that’s for sure! For added impact, combine with Fergal – Nearly as bad as sharkey, but referring to a less moist orifice.

20. Jam Banger – Have you tried… oh, never mind.

So, next time some dicktrap driving her twatwagon full of screaming frig magnets rear-ends you, you can let the jam-banging cock doctor know exactly how you feel. Then you can tell that fergal sharkey of a twat ratchet at the repair garage to quit playing fuckerydoo and fix your car, otherwise he can suck your invisible cock. Fog fucker.

No, don’t thank me or send money for adding new swears to your lexicon. It’s just a service I provide.


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Tiggy’s Word Of The Day – Spaghetti

12. Spaghetti

Spaghetti - nom, nom, nom, nom.Invented by the Chinese in 250 BC, Italian food consists of pasta, pizza and parts of the pig you’d prefer to stay in the pig.

Spaghetti is best washed down with a light sparkling Frizzante (produced using a traditional method of fermenting grapes in old petroleum cans).

For extra authenticity, top your spaghetti with a Tommydevito, a spicy meatball made from pork, spices and snitches.

I liken das very much Billy Gibbons, he has das voice of ein Angel!Did you know that the most popular Italian song in the world is Shuddupa Ya Face by Joe Dolce, Italy’s very own King of Rock?

The Vatican were considering making it their national anthem, but the Pope plumped for ZZ Top’s more conservative Gimme All Your Lovin’ instead. Sellout.


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