Swearing - not big or clever.

My language is often less than lady-like. I could give a 350lb Docker with a spade through his foot a run for his money in a swearing contest. I didn’t want admit I had a problem until I called my boss a cock pirate (to be fair, he took it entirely out of context). It was time to act.

Sign of Intelligence
I joined the No Cussing Club. Happy orange-shirted kiddies smiled at me from their website in encouragement. I too could a live profanity-free life! All I had to do was swear a pledge of allegiance (without swearing), buy an orange Club wristband and my potty mouth would be silenced forever! I couldn’t let the children down.

“I won’t cuss, swear, use bad language, or tell dirty jokes. Clean language is the sign of intelligence and always demands respect. I will use my language to uplift, encourage and motivate. I will Leave People Better Than I Found Them!”

I made it through the oath but as I tried to order my wristband my computer crashed. “Fuck!” I yelled, and realized I’d broken my pledge in under two minutes. “FUCK!” I exclaimed again as I realized I’d just said ‘fuck’. This was going to be tough.

The website suggested I try alternatives to swear words. Just use an everyday word, the first one that pops into your head. My friends began to wonder whether I was high on drugs as I randomly shouted out “Switzerland!” “Fudge Bucket!” and “Wooden Monkey Carving!”. The fact that these were the first words to pop into my head was worrying. Maybe the Club wristband was affecting my circulation.

I sounded like a Dictionary with Tourette’s and was becoming reluctant to speak in case I slipped up. I imagined tears running down the children’s orange glowing faces as I wrestled with my fudges and fucks. I had failed the No Cussing Club kids.

I’m sorry kids. It’s not that I have a limited vocabulary and don’t know lots of big clever words. But sometimes only a fuck will do. When you’re grown up and you put a spade through your foot you’ll understand.


11 Responses to “Tiggy Joins The No Cussing Club”

I tried to remove all verbiage of religious origin from my vocabulary but I just ended up yelling “Cheeses Sliced!”.

LOL!! 🙂
What is a cock pirate, Tiggy?

I’ll see your Cheeses and raise you a Goudammit!

To be honest, I didn’t really think that insult through while hurling it at the boss. I guess it’s a pirate who storms ships and makes off with a booty of… cocks? That makes for an interesting mental image, no?

Oh, my god. I’m totally stealing “cock pirate.” Who cares what it means–it’s awesome.

And I agree: there are times when only a “FUCK!” will do. That’s why it’s called “FUCK!”

No problem JD, it’s yours!

Id like to use cock pirate too, its a great insult, I wonder if they will make “Cock Pirates of the Carribbean”?
you should have copyrighted it Tiggy!!

Dammit MC, you’re right.
I’m sure Johnny Depp is relishing the prospect of starring as Captain Jack Cock Sparrow.

That’s enough cocks for one week.

Here’s how I pictured it in my mind:

Boss: I noticed you have been falling behind on your TPM reports.

Tiggy: Oh, it’s because I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately all because of the incessant crowing of my neighbor’s (you’re such a) cock. Pirate, my dog, barks in return and I can’t sleep at all.

Boss: What was that in the parenthesis?

Tiggy: What parenthesis? I was talking. I didn’t, like, put my fingers up and make a parenthesis sign or anything.

See? Innocent as a new-born lamb.

OMG Omy! I’d never thought of using parethesis in conversation before.
This opens up a whole world of (go fuck yourself) comments to my (twatmagnet) boss. Cheers!

[…] love to fiddle with Dave Grohl’s grungy stubble, or swoon over George Clooney’s latest cock pirate look? I’d run a mile in the opposite direction if they shaved, that’s for […]

This is fucking mickey mouse horse shit fucking faggot ass raping dick crap. I don’t mother fucking know why the fuck you cock suckers have to spew fucking cuss words and shit out of your shitty cussing cum receptacles. McKay is fucking king dick pimp cracker and I’ve been in the mother fucking No Fucking Cussing club since God damn Garth Brooks turned fag and starting ass pounding fucking bowling balls.

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