Tag: work

Tiggy’s New Job – Part One

Farewell crappy office job, hello adventure! I hope.

You know you’re bored at work when you spend the day stapling your hair to the desk for something to do. It’s time to leave when you start breaking wind just to annoy your fellow office workers.

But no more tedious office jobs for me! My future career is going to be exciting and rewarding with lots of free lunches and things to steal. Hmm, let me see…

1. Bar Manager

This sounds like a dream job! Late nights, free booze and cheery customers bloating their livers while swelling my coffers. A friend with a bar let me shadow him for the evening. I learned a few things.

Where in the Canadian Labour Code does it state the barmen have to be dressed?– Testing the liquor optics by sucking on them is not correct procedure.

– A rude and obnoxious diner is not to be advised that Tonight’s Special is Pan-Fried Fuck Off.

– ‘A round of drinks’ does not automatically include one for the bar manager.

– You will spend 85% of your time doing the accounts, 10% cleaning vomit from the ladies’ washroom and 10% re-doing the accounts because the numbers don’t add up.

Running a bar sucks! I know which side of the counter I’ll be staying in future.

2. Working with Animals
Apart from cats, I love all animals and they love me too. I would make a great Zoo keeper (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or racehorse breeder (apart from the poop, I’m not touching that) or veterinarian (apart from the poop, puke and fleas… ok, I’m not doing that).

There’s no better way to get to know animals inside out than a job at Bob’s Taxidermy! It’s like a petting zoo for bears, moose and ducks. Although the day did not go so well…

Well, I thought I'd captured the essence of poor Duke quite nicely.– No poop. But I’d forgotten about the blood, entrails and brains.

– Don’t poke a dead moose with a broom handle. Stuff will seep out.

– Offering to stuff Trapper Joe’s wife when she drops dead is not considered good customer service. Even if you offer a discount.

– Buckshot is difficult to extract from your own bum cheeks. Trapper Joe has a good shot.

Next time! Tiggy goes X-rated at an adult store and suffers on a movie set! Again!


I Wanna Be A Hooters Girl!

Oh good! A Hooters restaurant. Just what we need.

A bright orange roof and gaudy neon sign signaled the arrival of our latest neighbourhood eatery – Hooters. I imagine a lot of women sighed in despair as the restaurant opened its doors to the crowds of excitable young men. The prospect of being served sizzling wings by a girl in tangerine hotpants isn’t my idea of fun. Yet I can’t help glancing longingly through the windows every time I drive by…

Hooters girls - their bums never look big in this.OK, I admit, I want to be a Hooters girl! I don’t really want to be a waitress – I tried it once, but my lack of balancing, pouring and social skills meant that career lasted one night only. No, it’s because all the girls who work at Hooters are pretty.

They have skinny legs, shiny hair and white-toothed smiles. Their orange hotpants don’t make their butt look like two bouncing pumpkins.

If I was a Hooters girl I could use my female assets to hide my lack of waitressing skills. It wouldn’t matter if I dropped the salsa or poured hot gravy into the slightly bulging lap of my diner – he would be too busy trying to get a glimpse down my t-shirt to notice. And then he’d leave me a big tip! Now that’s job satisfaction.

The reality.However, I think I’ve left it too late to pursue my dream. Most waitresses at the restaurant are students, so I’m probably 10 years to late to be a Hooters girl. Although I was probably 10 years too late 10 years ago.

Come to think of it, there’s never been a period in my life when I haven’t looked dorky, awkward or lumpy in the wrong places. I’m just not Hooters girl material.

I wonder if other Hooters wannabes have landed their dream job, only to be greeted by screams of horror as crowds rush to the door to escape the sight of their wobbly orange-peel thighs.

On the other hand I probably look as good as it’s going to get, so why not try? If I land the job I’ll let you all know. You could all come in and ask to be served by that cute waitress with the matching colour hair and hotpants, no, she’s not a freaky old hag, she’s just, erm, womanly.

Would you mind doing that for me? Just don’t order anything with hot gravy and you’ll be fine.

Mind you, there is another place where I can wear hotpants, serve men beer and get lots of tips. And the place is so dark I could easily hide my dorkyness. Although I don’t think I could manage that pole…

Hotpants are tight and wings are hot over at Humor-Blogs.com


This Is A Bust! Fake Porn Inspectors and Other Stupid Scams

Breaking news from CBC:

Halt! It's the Special Sausage Squad!“LONGMONT, Colo.
Authorities in Colorado say a man claiming to be a police detective asked an adult novelty shop to give him free X-rated videos, saying he wanted to make sure the performers weren’t underage.

Authorities said Monday that the man showed a badge and left a business card from the Longmont, Colo.. police “age verification unit.”
Longmont police Cmdr. Tim Lewis says there is no such unit.”

This story got me thinking, First of all, has this smut-starved scammer never heard of the internet? Secondly, how many fake inspectors are out there, fooling gullible shopkeepers and making a mockery of the law? I wonder what other career opportunities are available for fake inspectors.

These scams could just work… but probably won’t. Don’t try these at the store.

Government Cocktail Standards Inspector – During a Friday evening spot check, bar staff would be put through their paces to ensure correct measures are being used and mojitos contain federally-approved quantities of mint. It’s in the drinking public’s interest! Now give me a White Russian or I’m shutting the place down.

Free din-dins for Fido!Dog’s Dinner Inspector – If you can’t afford your faithful hound’s pet food, simply dress him up in snazzy police dog garb and head down to LolPets R Us with a warrant to search for poisonous fake dog food! Send Fido on a mission to selflessly test as many bags of Chick’n Chow and meaty bones he can snuffle out. Good boy! If you only have a hamster or goldfish, this scam could be tricky.

Special Sausage Squad – Avert a public health disaster on sunny weekend afternoons by seizing “defective” meat products from your local store. Heroically swipe tainted steaks and BBQ sausages before they are consumed by innocent partygoers! Rush them back to the Police HQ Forensic Lab (conveniently located on your garden patio) for immediate basting, I mean testing.

Let's shop!Nuclear Contamination Inspector – Left shopping for your kids’ Christmas presents to the last minute? Disperse those gift-grabbing shoppers and make sure you get that Transformo-Zomboid or Teeny Slut doll! Simply issue a warrant to search the toy store for weapons grade uranium. Of course that’s where Saddam was hiding his weapons of mass destruction – he was sneaky that way!

Infectious Disease Inspector – Eww! Don’t want to touch that gym equipment after those sweaty musclemen have been perspiring all over it? Simply present your fake inspector’s card and declare that a patient from the Gross Tropical Diseases Clinic has collapsed on the treadmill – looks like contagious Nantucket Jungle Fever! The whole gym will have to be scrubbed down with disinfectant. And the young ladies in the yoga class will have to remove their clothing for incineration. Immediately.

Store clerks – be on your guard for fake inspectors and pretend police! The next time an inspector in a white radiation protection suit or armed SWAT team burst through the door, simply ask them to leave! They’re probably only after free cakes or something. And those guys with the pretend cop cars and guns demanding you “put down the beer and pull over to the kerb…” yeah, right…

The Age Verification Unit is recruiting over at Humor-Blogs.com


Look Busy, The Boss Is Watching

Are you stressed out, under pressure and short of time at work? Or are there days when your ‘In’ tray stays empty and the hours drag on until home time?

You’re not being lazy – there is nothing to do. Not even dull stuff. How can you look busy and avoid being labelled a slacker by your boss? I’ve come up with a few tips to help you waste time while looking productive.

A full desk is a busy desk

Paper Mountains – The must-have desk accessory for those toil-free days. Scatter files, letters and other meaningless junk across your desk. Make your own paper mountains by rescuing items from the recycle bin or photocopying old reports. Shuffle, staple and hole-punch these paper props whenever the boss walks by.

Internet – The timewaster’s best friend. If co-workers can see your monitor, hide your browser behind an Excel spreadsheet so you can toggle between the two to avoid suspicion. Look slightly pained as you surf – you are not poking your friend on Facebook, you are working out a very complicated equation.

Phone Calls – Mask personal calls as business conversations. Tell your friends to ask questions you can only answer with a yes or no. Using your best business voice, respond “Yes…yes. No.” in a professional manner, throwing in random comments about sales figures. You can chat away to your buddies and look productive at the same time.

Write A Novel – Always keep a notebook on your desk. Look busy by writing stories, shopping lists and badly composed haikus. What the hell do you think I’m doing now?

Locate your nearest exitHave a Stroll – Don’t wander about aimlessly, but take a random document from your paper mountain and march around the office pretending to look for someone. Make sure they’re out – you don’t want to run into them and have to explain why you’re bringing them a stationary invoice from 1987. If your workplace is expansive you can walk around for hours. If not, have a walk around the company next door.

Caffeine – Waste valuable time at the coffee machine as you ponder the brew selections and stuff sugar packets into your pockets. Work in several trips to the water cooler and you’re well on your way to 5pm. Think of the extra time you’ll waste rushing to the washroom after all that fluid.

Meetings – Use these communal time wasting sessions to your advantage. Arrive early and scribble furiously in your notebook during the meeting (obviously you will be writing your novel, not taking notes). Ask the speaker lots of questions at the end to avoid returning to your desk – you’re doing them a favour by wasting their time too.

Desk Games – Who has the stupidest name in the phone book? How many paperclips can you stack? If you take your mouse apart, will it work when you put it back together?Stop being a quitter

Start Smoking – How come nicotine addicts can slope off and indulge their habit whenever they like? If drinkers and stoners were afforded the same privilege, time wasting would be much easier (and hazier). If you don’t want to start smoking, just go outside anyway and tell your fellow smokers you’re on the patch but can’t shake the smoke break ritual.

Get Another Job – If you spend every day making paperclip towers, wandering the corridors looking for invisible people and hiding in the washroom, it’s time to quit. Your employers are wasting your valuable time.

Life is too short to be doing a non-job, unless you really enjoy spending your day doing nothing useful. In which case you should have followed your parents’ advice and become a lawyer.