Those of us involved in the Canadian creative community (and those of us pretending to be, for the purpose of this story) are worried. The government is trying to introduce a Bill called C-10, a draconian law preventing artists from using government loans to finance ‘challenging’ movies. Canadian banks are often reluctant to finance such movies, citing pathetic excuses like “They’re usually drivel”.
Just in case C-10 passed, I thought I’d better get my claim in with the Tax Credit Department before the men in grey totally destroyed my freedom of expression. I felt my luck was in with my latest venture, a scarifying indictment of capitalist urban society entitled The Cock Whisperer.
Based on a true experience, The Cock Whisperer is the powerful story of a girl who has the gift-like ability to banish men’s rampant and uncontrollable sexual desires by sitting in a room with them for five minutes. I’d assembled a cast from the many out-of-work actors in my neighbourhood and spent several hours sweating over the script.
Unfortunately, the Tax Credit Department did not share my enthusiasm for the project and demanded vicious rewrites before they would consider scribbling out any cheques. They claimed my touching tale about touching todgers was merely an excuse for me to film attractive gentlemen without their underpants, and was not in the Canadian public interest to fund it.
I remonstrated that actually the Canadian public wanted, nay, demanded to sit in a movie theatre for two hours looking at men’s units – all my friends had said so. Apart from the male ones. And the local vicar. And my neighbour, who actually called the cops when I asked to borrow their hot tub for a few scenes. I think the cops are beginning to tire of being called to my street.
My fight with the Police State suits will continue as I refuse to compromise my artistic integrity. Like filming Titanic without the iceberg, you cannot have a story about cocks without cocks.
Failing that I’ll borrow my mate Sparky’s video camera and produce the bloody movie myself without their stupid tax credits.
Anyone got a hot tub I can borrow?