Tiggy’s Energy Crisis Top Tips
Global oil prices have rocketed, food is now a luxury and we’re all going to freeze to death this winter. Fortunately, I’ve been giving this some thought and come up with some energy saving tips to help you through these dark days of global crisis and misery. You’ll help save the environment, but more importantly you’ll have extra money to spend on essentials like cake and video games.
– Save on outrageous heating bills by installing a herd of cows in your basement. The warmth created by their bulky bodies and frequent urination will fill the house with radiant heat and also provide you with a source of free cream and leather goods.
– Install a hot tub. This may not sound very green, but you can utilize its soothing bubbles to wash dishes, dirty clothes and bathe the whole family – all at the same time! You can probably buy eco-friendly hot tubs with solar panels and wind turbines or something.
– In the event of vicious global conflicts over precious resources, simply turn your trusty hot tub upside down and cover with camouflage netting to create your own ‘wartime spirit’ Anderson bomb shelter. Don’t forget your stockpile of Spam!
– Reduce energy bills by junking unnecessary and wasteful gadgets like your computer. Recreate the fun of the internet by making your own ‘green’ web pages using newspaper clippings, catalogues and porn magazines. You can even create your own offensive spam messages!
– Can’t afford food? Simply seek out free fodder by following the masters of the free lunch – rats. Join them for a feast of leftover pizza, filet-o-fish burgers and cigarette butts at their favourite dumpster. The local duck pond is also a good source for bread and home-baked goodies.
– Hypermile. Elderly drivers have been using this gas saving technique for years. Simply drive everywhere at 20mph and slipstream by driving 5 inches behind the car in front. Turn off your engine at every intersection and red traffic light.
With the money saved by hypermiling, you too can afford to buy a huge motor home and drive it very slowly around Florida
– Conserve water by flushing the toilet less – leave the bathroom only after completing all necessary functions for the day (including bladder, solid waste and any other desired expulsions). It may take a while, but just remember you’re also helping to save dolphins or whatever. Better still, wait until you are at work to perform your morning ablutions – it may not save water but it won’t be on your utility bill.
You could save even more money by not going to work at all. You can now spend your days in the hot tub eating discarded fish burgers and recreating internet porn. Although the drop in income means you cannot pay your electricity bill, look on the bright side – you couldn’t afford it when you had a job so you’ve lost nothing. Happy days!
Clicking on the Humor-Blogs.com link helps save a whale. Maybe.
Excellent article!
Personally, I find the best way to prepare for any downturn in one’s financial situation is to become so incredibly, stinking rich in the first place, that you barely notice any cash-flow shortage.
Economic crisis? What economic crisis?
Great Zanny tips:)
Whenever we can’t effort to buy food we eat grass and drink water from the pond, its free (Just kidding)
That’s our Tiggy– helping us live greener lives one innovative idea at a time! 🙂
You said it. The cows for warmth! Hell, you can always bathe them in the dishwater and bathe your family in their warm urine! Mix and match!
That’s genius! btw, I love your facebook page, can I friend you by snail mail?
Don’t forget to recycle those Christmas cards you receive so you can create new ones for the next year. Yep, actually got one of those from someone.
Forget buying toiletries. Make sure you bring home all the little bottles from the hotel so you can sell them in your next garage sale.
Tiggy, you are so creative. And you didn’t even ask for part of the money I’ll be saving.
BTW, I’m going to market all the cow “pies” as Basement Bovine Brownies, the perfect fertilizer.
Like Chatblanc, I too love your Facebook page…but the only setback, of course, is that we won’t be able to drink from the cocktail of fun and useless advice. 🙂
“Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars, live in hill top houses, drive in fifty cars…” (Nickelback in line with Lord Likely there)
Kramer pioneered the use of a hot tub, or just a bath tub, for multiple purpuses, like washing a salad while showering. He was actually the master of saving since he used his neighbor’s facilities for practically everything. So there’s another idea: be friends with the neighbor.
But all the rest you propose is new, we loved it, and we also want to friend you in facebook by snail mail.
Back to Nickelback: “We’ll all stay skinny cause we just won’t eat!”
No need for food in the first place! Hurrah!
Lord Likely: Greetings, M’Lud! What an honour to have you here (so to speak). And if you could just share a few handy hints on how to be stinking rich, I’d very much appreciate it.
Bubbles: I have a good recipe for grass here! Enjoy!
Jenn: There’s no charge! Yet.
Chat: You could, but my postman’s been struck down with a trojan.
RedRaider: But how do you pursuade the cows to pee in the hot tub?
Geek: Save even more money by not sending any cards at all! That reminds me, my little nephew’s birthday was yesterday. Oops. Oh well, thought that counts and all that!
Joe: That’s the spirit! There’s plenty of crap on eBay, so why not sell it there?
Rambler: I should send out flyers instead! I suppose all that paper isn’t very green, but you could feed it to the cows.
Roufa & Mimi: Sound advice from our friends Nickelback there. Food is an expensive luxury these days.
And couldn’t the cows produce methane for make-your-own-gas? I can find no flaw in your plan, except the time I now waste on the computer would be tripled if I had to re-create every Web and blog page with a hard copy.
“Reduce energy bills by junking unnecessary and wasteful gadgets like your computer. Recreate the fun of the internet by making your own ‘green’ web pages using newspaper clippings, catalogues and porn magazines. You can even create your own offensive spam messages!”
hysterical, tigs. vital tips. thanks you
Har! It’s all good except the Spam part.
There is no WAY I will eat Spam (as I wrote about it today as well…)