Runner's best friend after Nike!

What price glory, eh? Several atheletes at the Beijing Olympics were stripped of their medals after positive drugs tests. And for what? A metal disc and a trip around their hometown on an open-top bus. Drugs in sport are wrong! But supposing they were alright? Some sports could positively benefit from a shot of something…

Caffeinated Golf – The utterly dull ‘sport’ of golf could be livened up instantly by priming the dreary competitors with double espressos and energy drinks before play. Imagine the speed a game would be finished in as the hyper hitters tremble their way to the 18th hole!

No need for golf carts as competitors race around the green like retarded rabbits.

Heeey man, friends forever, yeah?

High Cage Fighting – Like most people, I enjoy watching near-naked sweaty men rolling around on the floor. However cage fighting can get rather violent and bloody. Where’s the love, guys?

I propose a much gentler version of the sport, where both musclemen smoke a giant spliff before combat. We will instead be treated to the sight of near-naked sweaty men rolling around on the floor, giggling and shouting “Dude! I love you!” “No I love you more!” A sure-fire hit with ladies and the gay community.

Drunk Javelin – Make sure the competitors are tanked up to the tank tops, give them a huge pointed spear and point them in the general direction of the target. Watch those javelins fly!

This could be the ultimate in audience participation sport, as the crowd will have to keep a keen eye on the direction of those mighty arrows.

The Canadian Freestyle Olympic team in training.500m Nicotine Back Stroke – To brighten up tedious swimming races, all competitors have to swim with a lit cigarette dangling from their mouths.

The swimmers must keep puffing away until the finish – an unlit soggy butt will mean elimination! Just think of the sponsorship possibilities for Marlboro.

Running – All runners should be allowed to take as many steroids as their bodies can handle. Races will be run in the shortest time possible – the 1500m will be over in a matter of seconds!

In that way, the Olympics will be over a lot sooner and won’t junk up the TV schedules all summer.

I’m thinking maybe LSD Formula 1 and potato vodka skydiving are non-starters, and any sport involving bullets should perhaps retain their drug-free policy. Are there any sports you would want livened up by a lychee martini or two? Tell Tiggy!

Their manly muscles are steroid-free over at


13 Responses to “Drugs In Sport – Now There’s An Idea!”

I was offered steroids along with a healthy dose of “…hey dude, it’ll help.” I kept thinking of Lyle Alzado. That was enough! I went natural and it was worth it. Many of those people will live to regret that crap. I know one now…dumbass!

How’s about crown green bowling? I’m sure a dab or two of MDMA would liven the proceedings up amongst the over 70s.

“Drunk Javelin” could be a team sport. Let the competitors do shots of tequila, 1 drunk dude throws, while the other 2 wasted souls try to catch it. No points awarded if anyone passes out or if the spear hits the ground. Bonus points if they catch it with no hands.

I think you’re onto something. Maybe the Geneva Convention could mandate that all warring sides have to smoke hashish and listen to Pink Floyd.

Why has no one thought of getting the Taliban hooked on their own poppy products?

I would totally get behind Drunk Javelin. That is to say, I would not get in front of Drunk Javelin.

Excellent post. I think a little bit of blow would make gymnastics a lot more exciting. Of course all the ridiculous overprotective whistle-blowers out there would object to getting the 12-year-olds on the Chinese team all coked up.

how about cocaine snort ping pong? the foul lines are made of coke and they snort during play? I’m sure the action would move to warp speed at some point.

But really, I like all of yours better! 🙂

LSD NASCAR – yeah, I’d pay to see that!

Don: Good choice! Who wants to look like a bulging Michelin Man anyway? And it makes their willy look small.

Jeffman: Yes, but then the old folk might also start listening to that awful trance music as well. Shudder.

Damon: I’ve seen drunks do that with traffic cones and policemen. Good idea!

Meg: I think that Russian president needs a serious bong hit right now! Crazy fucker!

JD: Yes, I think that is definately a sport to watch from the comfort of the sports bar.

Buffalo: Cocaine, Sunny Delight – what’s the difference? It makes kids hyper either way.

Chat: I’d love to see that. You’d have to watch it in slow motion just to see who won!

Jeff: Whoever thought driving a car around an oval track for hours was entertainment must have been high in the first place!

what a fanstatic idea! I’d love to see water bong water polo – dude!

congrats on being in the spotlight on – I knew you could do it!

I do like the idea of knocking out a 2+ hour race in a few minutes.

Id like to try some Absinthe Archery!!

The Olympics would be better on Ouzo.

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