Is it possible to get high without breaking the law? I couldn’t be bothered to waste money on ‘legal high’ seeds or spend hours in the wilderness hunting for mushrooms, so I decided to look around the house for things to bring on that buzz. Honestly, the things I do in the name of research…
Wasabi – A dab of luminous Japanese horseradish provides an instant fiery buzz, so instead of ketchup I dolloped the green goo all over my dinner.
The stinging head rush and physical contortions that followed registered somewhere between orgasm and epileptic fit. Not a pretty sight. My nasal passages are still recovering from 3rd degree burns. Do not attempt wasabi overload at a Japanese restaurant or you’ll be asked to leave.
Legal High – 6/10. If your idea of fun is a fire in your brain, go for it.
Energy Drinks – The TV advert promised to give me wings – sounded like a high time. My mate Sparky (an expert on dubious substances) reckoned the overpriced caffeinated gloop at the local store was useless – the original drink from Thailand would make me fly a lot higher. Conveniently, he had a crate of Thai energy drink in his basement. The medicine bottle-shaped container should have been a warning – but no, I accepted Sparky’s challenge and downed several bottles of the sickly-sweet liquid…
OMG OMG itwaslikeallthesethingsinmymindallnightuhhh-uhhh-uhhh-can’t-sleep-no-sleep-brain thinking-two-thoughts-at-once-wooowooowoooo. And so on, for 14 hours solid.
Legal High – 9/10. More wings than a bucket of KFC.
Spinning – When I was a child I used to spin around until I fell over all dizzy and giggling. It seemed like a good idea to retry this early high so I twirled around in my living room until my brain went flying. Unfortunately, so did my television set and the coffee table. This technique is not a good idea if you’re adult size. And I used to bounce off furniture a lot better when I was 4.
Legal High – 5/10. Thrilling but costly. Try it in a wide open space with a pillow tied to your head.
Hemp Oil – Hemp oil is legal but can contain small traces of THC (the stuff that makes you go floaty and eat seventeen hot dogs in one sitting). I could legally buy this oil in my local store, although the checkout girl gave me a funny look when I slapped 3 litres of it on the counter.
The oil tasted like a cross between peanuts, grass clippings and Castrol GTX. It was overpowering by the spoonful, so I shoved the lot in the blender with some yogurt and made hemp smoothies. I forced the green concoction down awaited the buzz.
Lesson learned – hemp oil won’t get you anywhere near high no matter how much you gulp down. It will, however, make you very regular.
Cure For Constipation – 10/10, Legal High – 0/10. Doesn’t make good smoothies.
Non-Dairy Creamer – I wondered what would happen if I snorted Coffee Mate. It looked powdery and inviting and contained many complex-sounding chemicals that must have some sort of effect. Would I experience an instant non-dairy high? Or just dribble cream out my nostrils? However, the only thing I’m ever likely stick up my nose is a pencil so I declined that challenge.
Legal High – N/A. I’m not that daft.
So unless you enjoy burning your brain, falling over furniture or spending the day on the ceiling or on the toilet, I think it’s safe to say all these legal highs are useless. And this is probably why they’re still legal.
They’re higher than a kite stuck to a kestrel at Humor-Blogs.com