Tiggy is not feeling well now.

Is it possible to get high without breaking the law? I couldn’t be bothered to waste money on ‘legal high’ seeds or spend hours in the wilderness hunting for mushrooms, so I decided to look around the house for things to bring on that buzz. Honestly, the things I do in the name of research…

Wasabi - more burn than buzz.Wasabi – A dab of luminous Japanese horseradish provides an instant fiery buzz, so instead of ketchup I dolloped the green goo all over my dinner.

The stinging head rush and physical contortions that followed registered somewhere between orgasm and epileptic fit. Not a pretty sight. My nasal passages are still recovering from 3rd degree burns. Do not attempt wasabi overload at a Japanese restaurant or you’ll be asked to leave.
Legal High – 6/10. If your idea of fun is a fire in your brain, go for it.

Woowoowoo. Woo.Energy Drinks – The TV advert promised to give me wings – sounded like a high time. My mate Sparky (an expert on dubious substances) reckoned the overpriced caffeinated gloop at the local store was useless – the original drink from Thailand would make me fly a lot higher. Conveniently, he had a crate of Thai energy drink in his basement. The medicine bottle-shaped container should have been a warning – but no, I accepted Sparky’s challenge and downed several bottles of the sickly-sweet liquid…

OMG OMG itwaslikeallthesethingsinmymindallnightuhhh-uhhh-uhhh-can’t-sleep-no-sleep-brain thinking-two-thoughts-at-once-wooowooowoooo. And so on, for 14 hours solid.
Legal High – 9/10. More wings than a bucket of KFC.

Spinning – When I was a child I used to spin around until I fell over all dizzy and giggling. It seemed like a good idea to retry this early high so I twirled around in my living room until my brain went flying. Unfortunately, so did my television set and the coffee table. This technique is not a good idea if you’re adult size. And I used to bounce off furniture a lot better when I was 4.
Legal High – 5/10. Thrilling but costly. Try it in a wide open space with a pillow tied to your head.

Bleugh.Hemp Oil – Hemp oil is legal but can contain small traces of THC (the stuff that makes you go floaty and eat seventeen hot dogs in one sitting). I could legally buy this oil in my local store, although the checkout girl gave me a funny look when I slapped 3 litres of it on the counter.

The oil tasted like a cross between peanuts, grass clippings and Castrol GTX. It was overpowering by the spoonful, so I shoved the lot in the blender with some yogurt and made hemp smoothies. I forced the green concoction down awaited the buzz.

Lesson learned – hemp oil won’t get you anywhere near high no matter how much you gulp down. It will, however, make you very regular.
Cure For Constipation – 10/10, Legal High – 0/10. Doesn’t make good smoothies.

Non-Dairy Creamer – I wondered what would happen if I snorted Coffee Mate. It looked powdery and inviting and contained many complex-sounding chemicals that must have some sort of effect. Would I experience an instant non-dairy high? Or just dribble cream out my nostrils? However, the only thing I’m ever likely stick up my nose is a pencil so I declined that challenge.
Legal High – N/A. I’m not that daft.

So unless you enjoy burning your brain, falling over furniture or spending the day on the ceiling or on the toilet, I think it’s safe to say all these legal highs are useless. And this is probably why they’re still legal.


They’re higher than a kite stuck to a kestrel at Humor-Blogs.com


15 Responses to “Legally High – Tiggy’s Buzz Test”

“The oil tasted like a cross between peanuts, grass clippings and Castrol GTX. ”

How on earth do you know what Castrol tastes like?

Never mind, I’m happier not knowing.

Thanks for putting yourself out there and doing the research.

I guess I’ll have to stick with my prescriptions meds.

I agree…Legal highs suck!!!

Wow Tiggy, thanks for stepping up to the plate there! Im going to leave our office non dairy creamer alone now.

What about the old Coke and aspirin combo? That’s what we relied on when we were kids and our friends’ parents finally got smart and locked their liquor cabinet. But, see, I think the difference here is youth. We were wild and naive—the idea of Coke and aspirin was just so crazy, we thought it would work, and to our demented young minds, it did. Today, however, I’m not sure I could be so easily fooled.

Now, where can I get some betel nuts?

Hi – I just came here to stumble you from the Blog Catalog group. Hope this doesn’t seem like spam cos I’m giving some links to my site but they seem to be relevant. It may seem weird because they are spirituality-related but no belief is required and they are honestly excellent ways to feel really good – possibly ecstatic – without doing yourself any harm:
Imagine Presence – see http://secretoflife.typepad.com/the_secret_of_life/2008/07/is-there-someone-standing-behind-you.html
Quantum Light Breath – see http://secretoflife.typepad.com/the_secret_of_life/2007/05/quantum_light_b.html
and Deeksha – see http://secretoflife.typepad.com/the_secret_of_life/2007/02/deeksha.html
Back to stumbling then!

That wasabi won’t give you a high but it’ll certainly burn your oesophagus to bits. Have you tried crack cocaine? That might work.

LOl to funny with the wasabi i dont know how you did it if i even get a speck of it that touches my sushi i get all grossed out but then again im not one for spicy food.

Hilarious! Cheaper than most legal drugs, so its unfortunate they didn’t work out 😉

SinisterDan: Trust me, I knowwhat Castrol GTX tastes like.

Alice: Always a pleasure! (Apart from the wasabi).

Lisa Lisa: Don’t worry, if I stumble across an effective one I’ll let you know.

Jeff: Is your job really that dull you were going to do a line of Coffee Mate?

JD: I think they took the reactive stuff out of aspirin years ago. Just like when they made felt-tip pens non-toxic. Bastards!

Simon: Thanks, you can gurantee anything I try will end with me doing myself some harm, even meditation…

Englishman: I haven’t tried crack cocaine. Does it go well with sushi?

Athena: Cheap and cheerful they were not!

I anxiously await your review of robotussin (DM) as a means for a legal high – ps, drink at least 4 oz.

While I know that you would try this with purely scientific motives at heart, I feel bad posting this because a bunch of stupid kids will try it.

oh well, they’re stupid to begin with, so what could it hurt?

Thaddeus: Somehow it’s even worse when stupid adults try it. Oh dear, I feel a cough coming on, better get to the pharmacy…

Pretty nice site, wants to see much more on it! 🙂

Ha ha thanks for reminding of Coke and aspirin days..! those were so adventures days, after using the combo of Coke and aspirin we used to get good bashing from elders in the home!

Jeez, thanks so much for posting this! It is going to help when I research Hemp Oil at the grocery store! So Fantastic!

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