Beach Bummers
While relaxing on the beach during your vacation, do you notice:
– The people with the highest fat density wear the least amount of clothes?
– Hot-looking beach babes always sit next to you when you have water retention?
– Pasty redheads on sun loungers seem to think they can outsmart solar rays?
– The person who used the beach washroom before you didn’t flush?
– Savage hungry seagulls can hear an ice cream being unwrapped from five miles away?
– All children under seven appear to be on speed?
– No matter where you lay your beach towel, you always end up next to a giant ant colony?
– Beach babes always sit next to you when you have bikini-line shaving rash?
– You find sand up your bum even if you’re sitting on a shingle beach?
– The person who used the beach washroom before you had some really bad oysters the night before?
– Fat old women with enormous flabby thighs just can’t stop bending down and picking up shells in front of you?
– Metal detector operators combing the shoreline always look poor?
– Beach babes always sit next to you when you have a hangover that would break Keith Richard?
– When you kick a kid’s sandcastle, their father is always 200lbs larger than you?
– The more wrinkly the man, the tighter the Speedos?
– No matter where you lay your beach towel, you always end up next to an overfriendly drunk hobo called Captain Billy?
– Redhead sunbathers seem to think the best cure for agonizing sunburn is more sunbathing?
– Despite storing them in an airtight box, the main ingredient of your sandwiches is sand? Or ants?
– Women who sunbathe with their legs wide open are usually over 70?
– The person who used the beach washroom before you was Captain Billy?
Beaches are hell. Stay home!
~The people with the bratty kids park their crap right next to you.
~The people with the bratty kids spend all day screaming at their bratty kids.
~The fraternity beer blast parks on the other side of you.
~The fraternity guys blast their music so loud you can’t hear yourself think and keep throwing their football in front of you, kicking up sand into your face.
~The fat guy with flatulence, wearing a thong, parks himself right in front of you.
~The old church ladies park themselves right behind you and scream out comments about the frat guys, the fat guy and the family from hell, while they take turns saying “WHAT?” because they can’t hear worth shit.
I hate it when someone with horrible peeling sun burn sits next to me… Yeuch!
I live near Galveston. The water and beaches are questionable at best, no matter who you’re sitting next to. Yuck!
I’ll not hear a bad word against Captain Billy. He introduced me to the wonders of beech leeching, or as he calls it, bleeching.
Larew: Eww, I ain’t coming near your local beach!
Meg: That was probably me. Sorry.
Stephanie: I guess the stench of the water takes your mind off the fat old ladies and beach bums.
Hindleyite: I don’t no about bleeching, but Captain Billy was doing a lot of belching when he sat next to me.
I am definitely seconding the old lady picking up shells. Old age is no excuse for blocking the suns rays.
Being a Scotsman in Singapore I am the exception to your couple of ginger references!!!! I tan… If I have factor 98 sun cream on!!!!
I’ll stick to the mountains and “The Deliverance” crowd.
Enormous flabby thighs, sand in my crack and third degree burns. Where do I sign?
Speedos are always a poor sartorial choice. One time I saw a really old guy in a macrame thong. It looked like he had two oranges dangling beneath his crotch. The tensile strength of that thing was stretched to its limit. If it had broken under his scrotal weight, I believe I would have been forced to pluck out my eyes.
Only me again, here to complain once more.
The beaches round here are paved with shards of glass. I wouldn’t brave Blackpool beach without a good pair of steel-toed boots. Bit crap for swimming with though.
Capt. Billy here, Tiggy. Very disappointing post. I thought we really hit it off on the beach, and I wasn’t drunk because I was still awake. And I’m not a hobo, I’m housing challenged.